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Come, when a petal of the moon
Swims slow along a dark sky' river.
Come, because the life is we,
Found ourselves in a dark wood.
Come, as revelation of lips and hands.
I am ready for all!
Because our life is a ring.
It is a crazy hellish wheel.
Come, because the life is dust
In a net of the gloomy days.
Don't forget: today we are alive
But tomorrow we will turn
In a couple of cold stones.
Come.
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Come, because the life is we,
Found ourselves in a dark wood.
The comma splices confuses me, so I'm not sure what certain lines mean. The repetition of come is intriguing but I don't understand the connection of the title with the poem. It seems you wrote this in a hurry because grammatically there are errors like "tomorrow we will turn/
In a couple of cold stones." which unfortunately is distracting. Also I don't get how life is a ring, hellish wheel. You might want to delve into that metaphor further, or not at all
Is this a translation?
JustifiedCandy
Unregistered
I enjoy the imagery in the beginning, but the rest of the poem is quite confusing and I'm having trouble getting a full message behind this, besides the fact that it seems to be about two lovers.
I would also suggest using only one metaphor about life- you use three different ones consecutively. Pick one that you feel ties best into your poem, it will be more significant that way.
Posts: 126
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Joined: Mar 2014
Come, when a petal of the moon
Swims slow along a dark sky' river. not sure it needs 'sky''... prefer just 'dark river'.
Come, because the life is we,
Found ourselves in a dark wood. prefer find to found
Come, as revelation of lips and hands. doesn't need 'as'
I am ready for all! exclamation mark... grrrrrrr....
Because our life is a ring.
It is a crazy hellish wheel. would prefer a reference to the wheel as a torture device, than 'crazy hellish'
Come, because the life is dust At first, I thought, 'a net can't hold dust', but like the metaphor of escaping gloom.
In a net of the gloomy days.
Don't forget: today we are alive these three lines could be compressed into two, to keep the form, and say the same thing.
But tomorrow we will turn
In a couple of cold stones.
Come. Nice invitation to end.
I couldn't connect the title with the poem but it's quite mysterious and intriguing. I find some of the lines confusing and struggled to understand the meaning behind it!
