Posts: 8
Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2011
The Mistress
Hours spent waiting
mentally painting
perfect pictures
dreaming
inexplicable dreams
patiently crocheting
credible collusion
Sober moments
painfully hard
though
thankfully few
Yearning for
that picket fence
from behind
the stone wall
True love
almost shared.
Posts: 41
Threads: 1
Joined: Jun 2010
Very well done. I enjoyed all of it, especially ...
Yearning for
that picket fence
from behind
the stone wall
Your descriptions fit well of the life of a mistress.
Sober moments
painfully hard
though
thankfully few
Thank you Jetz
You give to the world when you're giving your best to somebody else.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(04-08-2011, 03:16 AM)Jetz Wrote: The Mistress
Hours spent waiting is hours spent needed, would it be strong with just 'Waiting' as the first line?
mentally painting
perfect pictures
dreaming
inexplicable dreams
patiently crocheting credible metaphor
credible collusion
Sober moments
painfully hard
though
thankfully few
Yearning for
that picket fence
from behind
the stone wall good image
True love
almost shared.
great to see your first poem Jetz.
it has some good images in it, and the alliteration works well in the 1st three couplets. the poem itself has a good flow to it and gives a good image of what a mistress's lot in life is. i like that it isn't harsh or bitter, but that's just me. great first poem to start with.
thanks for the read.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
A sad perspective from a mistress, who isn't painted as a "seductress" here but someone making a life and a home of sorts. Loved the lines "patiently crocheting
credible collusion"... giving a heartbreaking warmth to the deceit. Nicely done.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 197
Threads: 78
Joined: Jan 2011
Hi!
I simply enjoyed with reading such wonderful poem!
Thanks for sharing!
R.Y.
Posts: 8
Threads: 3
Joined: Apr 2011
Kath3,
Thank you so much for your warm response
and for letting me know the parts you most
enjoyed. It helps me to grow.
Sue
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Billy,
Your critique is warmly accepted. I pondered
the first line long and hard, and where simply
'waiting' would work, it does not convey the depth
that I feel 'hours spent waiting' does. One thing
a mistress must learn to do is wait. Your response
is greatly appreciated !! Thank you.
Sue
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Addy,
I thank you for your take on this piece. You
actually took away from it precisely what I was
trying to capture. "patiently crocheting credible
collusion".......my favorite line as well.
Once again, thank you.
Sue
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ris Yerg,
I am so glad you enjoyed this poem, and am
pleased to be here to share it. Thanks for the
read and response.
Sue
