The Rig Veda

[busker]

The Rig Veda (Edit 1.0 - Datsun)

Quarks are permanent,
or whatever the standard model says
these days, our picture of the firmament 
dividing waters. Though stars must die,
they live ten billion years, five billion
the age of the earth, two million 
humankind unto today,
reoccurring in flesh or silicon,
recycled rock or gold, from the burst sutures
of supernovae. Only entropy
does not reset, a one way street to the past, 
and so you don’t remember the future
unto the last day’s dimming of the vast
infinite void. Is it that, or perpetual 
rebirth -  who knows it well
or at all? Even the gods were wrought 
in the fire of the last world's end,
and cannot know 
or tell.

Original:

Quarks are permanent,
or whatever the standard model says
these days, our picture of the firmament 
dividing waters. Though stars must die,
they live ten billion years, five billion
the age of the earth, two million 
humankind unto today,
reoccurring in flesh or silicon,
recycled rock or gold, from the burst sutures
of supernovae. Only entropy
does not reset, a one way street to the past, 
and so you don’t remember the future
unto the last day’s dimming of the vast
infinite void. Is it that, or perpetual 
rebirth -  who can tell? 
The gods who were wrought 
when the last world fell,
they know too well, 
or perhaps they do not.

[matsunosuperfan]

The Rig Veda

Quarks are permanent,
or whatever the standard model says
these days, our picture of the firmament 
dividing waters. Though stars must die,
they live ten billion years, five billion
the age of the earth, two million 
humankind unto today,
reoccurring in flesh or silicon,
recycled rock or gold, from the burst sutures
of supernovae. Only entropy
does not reset, a one way street to the past, 
and so you don’t remember the future
unto the last day’s dimming of the vast
infinite void. Is it that, or perpetual 
rebirth -  who can tell? 
The gods who were wrought 
when the last world fell,
they know too well, 
or perhaps they do not.

First sentence is a powerhouse, strong cutting enjambment that highlights a provocative image. I appreciate the skillful mix of high and low registers.

Second sentence feels like a big letdown by comparison - dithering about billions and millions and unto and reoccurring. By the time we hit 'burst sutures' I'm fully out of patience for this run of diction. 

Third sentence kinda more of the same, I confess I am just bored. These aphorisms feel a bit dashed off, like they are reaching for more significance than they have to offer the reader. "vast" is a no-no word for me. Pairing it with "infinite void" and "day's dimming" lends an unfortunate air of the familiar to these musings. 

I like the idea of "is it that, or perpetual rebirth - who knows?" I am most with the speaker when they're operating in this more conversational voice even if it's studded with Latinate sciency stuff. 

Not a fan of the last four lines with their pushy rhyme and "big bow on the present" feel. Would like to see this come back wearing only the clothes of the first sentence.

[busker]

thanks, Matsun. I am going to ask for this to be moved to a critical forum. You are on the money about the last four lines, and while I won't change them much, I see a better arrangement is possible.
I acknowledge your point about the cliched 'vast' and 'infinite void' as well as the billions and millions. I will give it some thought. I'm inclined to keep them at the moment, because the universe. But a line like 'though stars must die' is asking for punishment and I want to chastise the nerd who wrote that.

---

the ending still doesn't do it for me, but it's less ghastly than before