Silverado

[matsunosuperfan]

Silverado

We get all of this
very wrong—nature and its names
I mean—okay, there are more gruesome sins
and I won’t take your whole life but
does even God’s must useless rock
deserve the weight of words, after all
I met a careless squirrel
just today, she was a baby
running like a fever through the streets
until of course
she wasn't, and it struck me
with less force than it did her,
that Silverado
is a stupid name for anything
and so is squirrel, and 
maybe she was dignified
as death made her a pancake, maybe
in their language, her name
means the sound of flowers opening, possibly
we should reconsider
what could make a man hear someone singing
in the heartless dark
and call it mourning dove.

[wasellajam]

First few reads, a few early notes:

Silverado

We get all of this
very wrong—nature and its names
I mean—okay, there are more gruesome sins "I mean" is disruptive.
and I won’t take your whole life but awkward, possibly "take up".
does even God’s must useless rock typo most?
deserve the weight of words, after all
I met a careless squirrel
just today, she was a baby
running like a fever through the streets
until of course
she wasn't, and it struck me
with less force than it did her,
that Silverado
is a stupid name for anything
and so is squirrel, and I like all the "s" words.
maybe she was dignified
as death made her a pancake, maybe ditto the "d"s although dignified death is cliche. A pancake being dignified is from left field but an interesting thought and image.
in their language, her name
means the sound of flowers opening, possibly These two lines make the poem for me, lovely.
we should reconsider Possibly lose "possibly" and change should to could.
what could make a man hear someone singing
in the heartless dark
and call it mourning dove. Strong line but I think we all know the answer.

I'm not a great fan of the breathlessness throughout, it initially made me want to stop reading and it may detract from the impact fo the poem. Maybe limit it to the event.
Thanks for posting it.

[brynmawr1]

Silverado

We get all of this   terrible line break, why not just continue to the natural break at 'wrong'?
very wrong—nature and its names
I mean—okay, there are more gruesome sins  'I mean' should be cut
and I won’t take your whole life but  would cut 'and', also ending on 'but' is weak move to next line or cut, IMO.
does even God’s must useless rock  most?
deserve the weight of words, after all  don't you mean 'names'?  Not sure I like the non-sequitur of the turn
I met a careless squirrel
just today, she was a baby
running like a fever through the streets  not a fan of 'fever', it's a non-sensical simile in this context
until of course  could be cut and move 'she wasn't' up
she wasn't, and it struck me   great enjambment here
with less force than it did her,  and again
that Silverado
is a stupid name for anything
and so is squirrel, and 'and then', maybe end line with semicolon or emdash.
maybe she was dignified
as death made her a pancake, maybe  a lot of language tightening could be done in these surrounding lines. maybe move 'as death' to previous line
in their language, her name 'her' language
means the sound of flowers opening, possibly  'possibly' weakens this line
we should reconsider
what could make a man hear someone singing  maybe break at 'hear'
in the heartless dark  seems a little cliche unless you cut 'heartless'
and call it mourning dove.

Hey Matsuno,
I really like the transition of theme within the poem.  I think the turn seems a little contrived as written tho' it flows with edits from there.
Take care,
Bryn