Easy on the Eyes

[Deor Ana Log]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean
no strength in breathing
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember

it is the porch rays
in the aftermath of garden hose
to slippery to turn off
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes
and the autumns leaves
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight

[matsunosuperfan]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

[Deor Ana Log]

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

Thank you for your analysis and feeback, it means a lot to me!

---

my mama tells me 
under kitchens lights that
there is no empowerment in
desperation         good hook, good immediate development of stakes, setting is established without feeling too expository
in deprivation
there is no air in the ocean     this is great... 
no strength in breathing          ...and idk, this is just OK by comparison to me, feels a bit like anticlimax
in leaving just to 
be vacant
living is salvation      what a run! it's almost too much but that feels like the point. mama's philosophy is A LOT. 

fear isn’t patient
it is the train
pulling into the station
the airplane you go in
when you are too young
to remember            interesting. the declaratives are building with internal tension, a sense of threat develops

it is the porch rays       "porch rays" is a delightful noun packet
in the aftermath of garden hose  "aftermath" some really nice word choices here
to slippery to turn off        typo for "too slippery"? 
it blinks in the sunlight
repeating its last action until

there is breath
in the wind               badass enjambment
like a lit match
blowing out
sometimes I try to catch smoke
heat is patient         I really fux with the associative logic of this speaker, great stuff

living is salvation
so I live for skull eyes   this feels a bit clumsy, a bit de rigeur - "living is salvation, so" 
and the autumns leaves   cliche
like snakes coiled
up in the wind
with eyes of moonlight   beautiful image

This was a rewarding one to re-read, I got more out of it every time. I notice that "mama" kinda disappears after S1, becoming less and less of a presence by the end. This could be intentional but it feels a bit misleading given how the poem announces its ostensible project in the opening lines.


Might be productive to try having the speaker go somewhere more grounded for a moment in the midst of all these runs of playful syntax and shifting-sands ontology. Thanks for posting, this one has legs

Thank you for your analysis and feeback, it means a lot to me!

[busker]

Hi Ana - if your objective is to get feedback then I’d suggest writing in a normal font
Some of us access the site on our phones and what you’ve written is hard to see without zooming in and out