Katka

[Magpie]

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia,
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow.

She called me miláčik, 
"let's fly to Praha and twirl
 beneath gothic spires"

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.

"They blinded the maker" you told me;
as skeleton death struck the hour,
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words
for icicle and rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."

[brynmawr1]

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia,  implied
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow.  like?

She called me miláčik, 
"let's fly to Praha and twirl
 beneath gothic spires"

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.  oringinally I rec cutting this stanza, I've since backed off but I am still not sure it adds that much.

"They blinded the maker" you told me;  suddenly now 'you' rather than 'she'.  not sure I like that
as skeleton death struck the hour,this
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."  this stanza too, maybe just the last line

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words
for icicle and rainbow.   this is really good.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."

Hi Magpie,

Generally, I think this is a great poem.  I would recommend some revisions in the middle as I indicated above.
Thanks for the read,
bryn

[JohnS]

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia, The "once" makes it sound like you're about to tell a Limerick.
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow.

She called me miláčik, 
"let's fly to Praha and twirl
 beneath gothic spires"

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.

"They blinded the maker" you told me;
as skeleton death struck the hour,
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words
for icicle and rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,  I'd probably rewrite this. Maybe delete L5 and 6.

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."

I like this a lot. Bear in mind I have no business critiquing at this level, but I've added some thoughts.

[wasellajam]

Hi, I love the language in this poem and the places it takes me. Some notes:

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia, For me too this read like a limerick setup, it's hard to correct because I think you need "once", possibly "There was a time I loved" or something better that changes the meter.
as rugged as the Tatras
she swirled with Slavic snow.
Love these lines, as if she is the snow. And fun to say and picture.

She called me miláčik, Milacik give it real flavor.
"let's fly to Praha and twirl
beneath gothic spires"
A period after spire? The swirl/twirl is lovely and had the spires twisting upward.

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge Difficulty here, inverted saints Baroque?
we bumbled around
cobbled Bohemian streets Something has to give here, possibly bumble or baroque, I looove alliteration but this is too much even for me.
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.
To me the Baroque goes better with the clock, that's an image I can hold on to. But maybe not a necessary change.

"They blinded the maker" you told me; Way to kill the buzz, Katya.
as skeleton death struck the hour,
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."
These lines are important to me, brings more meaning to the initial airy swirl and impulsiveness, the other side.

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words
for icicle and rainbow.
Now we're on middle ground, though a frozen lake only gives the illusion of solid ground. I like icicle/rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."
Tragic on every level. Exhausting.

Thanks for pulling this out of NaPM for us all to take some time with, it holds a lot of what I'm reading poems for. If you edit please be gentle.

[busker]

From NaPM and I think I still like it so...

Katka

I once loved a girl from Slovakia,
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow. ..... I don't like the alliteration here, sounds like a marketing brochure

She called me miláčik,  ..... nice. authentic.
"let's fly to Praha and twirl  ..... I don't like 'twirl', it's so cliched
 beneath gothic spires"

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock.  ..... nice scene setting

"They blinded the maker" you told me;  ..... The change in person is strange. I get that the second half of the poem works better with the second person, though.
as skeleton death struck the hour,  ..... nice
"cities make me tired, I'm going home."  ..... nice

In Slovak mountains
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words 
for icicle and rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said,

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home."  ..... I don't understand the ending. Did she kill herself? Why? Not enough background. I don't like it. I like the idea of the refrain, so don't get rid of it entirely

Hi Ambroisial - I think this is a fine poem with all its flaws, that shouldn't be over-edited or it'll lose its charm. My biggest complaint is the ending itself, not the structure or the buildup.

[RiverNotch]

I once loved a girl from Slovakia,
as rugged as the Tatras 
she swirled with Slavic snow. Not sure what it means for her to swirl the Tatra mountains with snow (and "Slavic" here is probably redundant).

She called me miláčik.
"Let's fly to Praha and twirl
 beneath gothic spires---" Changed the punctuation here to be a bit more polished.

So past the saints
Baroque on the bridge "saints Baroque" reads too manufactured. Probably better to swap them: "So past the Baroque / saints on the bridge / we bumbled around...."
we bumbled around 
cobbled Bohemian streets
until we found ourselves
next to the astronomical clock. Somehow this is a syllable too long. I'm tempted to suggest moving "clock" to the next line, or maybe going with the Czech "next to the Orloj."

"They blinded the maker," you told me
as skeleton death struck the hour---
"Cities make me tired, I'm going home." Repunctuated this stanza too.

In Slovak mountains "Slovak" feels redundant. Also maybe "up" instead of "in"?
we walked onto frozen lakes
and you taught me the words
for icicle and rainbow.

One day we found
a blind dog
in a snow storm 
walking in circles.
We took him back
to help him get warm
but he died and you said, imo this stanza's pretty much perfect, though it took a second reading to fully click.

"Life makes me tired, I'm going home." I'm moved to suggest cutting "I'm going home" this second time and maybe separating the first "I'm going home" into its own line, but that might change the meaning too much---Katka's home may be emphatically elsewhere. Then again, those mountains where the blind dog dies being Katka's home seems just that much more compelling, the nadir of the Eastern European vortex that she "swirls" in....