Calderon's Russia

[RiverNotch]

Calderon's Russia


A giant with silvery hair and starry eyes
discovered herself betrayed by her old beau.
He wanted more power west---he wanted to wed

a lady who bled azure---and thus abandoned,
the giant with silvery hair and starry eyes
readied a gilded sword and brazen clarion,

bandaged her breasts and her hair, then mounted a horse
able to cross a river in just one step.
Across the taiga then up some mountains she sped.

In the court of a king so wracked by fear of fate
he judged it a crime for his heir to have been born,
the former lovers met. The case was pressed

and, in the end, the giant with silvery hair
was shown by her gilded sword to have been noble,
to have much greater strength and sense of honor

than any potential partners from the west.
Only that she'd fulfill her dogged quest
were nuptials again announced: before the altar,

with Poland’s court the guests, the traitor waited,
tapping his foot as the clock ticked morning to evening,
for a bride that had since some rugged peaks descended,
an evergreen forest crossed, and home resettled.

Part of a series started during this year's NaPM. Might have the entire series workshopped here, but for now, the entry that's gotten the most significant changes since.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi River,

Some cool imagery here. Before I offer comments, here is what I followed of the poem's narrative: An exiled warrior princess figure was lied to by an admirer who, in the pursuit of power, sought the hand of another princess. In learning of this information of his betrayal, she returns home but, once home, has to make a case for herself to be wedded to this admirer.

I'm not sure who Calderon is in relation to the story. All I found online was info about a Mexican politician and a Russian volleyball player. That said, I wish the poem gave me more about who is the traitor admirer, why did he want more power, why was the silverhaired giant exiled, and how specifically did she justify her greater strength as something that her admirer truly wanted as opposed to wanting to wed the lady who bled azure, because he seemed as though to have no agency at all in the poem's development in stanzas 5-6. I think if you clarify these questions, you could raise the stakes of the narrative.

Calderon's Russia


A giant with silvery hair and starry eyes
discovered herself betrayed by her old beau.
He wanted more power west---he wanted to wed

a lady who bled azure---and thus abandoned,
the giant with silvery hair and starry eyes this repeated line makes me wonder if another detail of this giant could be offered instead to develop her character further
readied a gilded sword and brazen clarion,

bandaged her breasts and her hair, then mounted a horse
able to cross a river in just one step. 
Across the taiga then up some mountains she sped. I think what this stanza is doing is showing how her size makes her travel fast. But if she is able to make this travel without much issue and in good time, I'm left wondering how severe was her exile (if my interpretation of the story is accurate)?

In the court of a king so wracked by fear of fate Nice detail
he judged it a crime for his heir to have been born, This could be said with more fire imo, but the syntax of this statement implies some distance between the speaker and their topic
the former lovers met. The case was pressed

and, in the end, the giant with silvery hair Silvery hair is mentioned again, so there must be some significance that I'm not picking up on. Even if it needs repeating 3x though, I feel like the first mention of this detail should be enough
was shown by her gilded sword to have been noble,
to have much greater strength and sense of honor

than any potential partners from the west.
Only that she'd fulfill her dogged quest
were nuptials again announced: before the altar, The development in this stanza and the previous feels a little rushed.

with Poland’s court the guests, the traitor waited,
tapping his foot as the clock ticked morning to evening,
for a bride that had since some rugged peaks descended,
an evergreen forest crossed, and home resettled. The ending clarifies the protagonist's story instead of working as a resolution to her story. I think this can be fixed by having the speaker mention her exiled status earlier, whereas right now it feels kind of danced around to add mystery to her character.

Part of a series started during this year's NaPM. Might have the entire series workshopped here, but for now, the entry that's gotten the most significant changes since.

There is a narrative here definitely worth sticking with, with themes that are ripe for exploring and characters whose physical appearances can be a source for novel imagery, but there is a noticeable distance between the speaker and the story of these characters. Other commenters might have a better grasp on the myth that is being portrayed and might be more helpful in their feedback, in which case I apologize if my current understanding makes these comments heavy-handed. Good luck!