Chesapeake Bay

[JohnS]

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Long delta-flights of honking geese
come back to winter homes,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
it's time for me to roam

I'll head south to the islands now,
warm seas and sandy cays
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.

[wasellajam]

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Great delta-flights of honking geese
return to winter waters,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
they’re telling me it’s time I was away,

so now I’ll raise the anchor,
set course for warmer seas
and head down south to sandy keys,
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.


This was an excercise for me in meter and imagery.

Hi, John, I enjoyed the imagery and that Autumn feeling of imminent change it evoked.

The poem has pretty strong iambic meter throughout, I had the most trouble demoting "great" S3 L1, you can do better
there.
You set the poem off on a pattern of alternating 4 feet/ 3 feet lines, then abandon it in the last 6 lines. For me that weakened the poem.

Same on the erratic rhyme scheme. While I can enjoy the here and there rhyme, the effort to twist some lines into it seems particularly awkward when there is no commitment to a rhyme scheme that I could see. I'm talking about S1L4, a real waste of a line for no payoff, and "they’re telling me it’s time I was away," this line needs to be reworked to match the natural speech pattern of the rest of the poem.

So, a really good effort here and a poem that I enjoyed reading, even in spring when autumn seems far in the future. Thanks for posting it.

[JohnS]

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Great delta-flights of honking geese
return to winter waters,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
they’re telling me it’s time I was away,

so now I’ll raise the anchor,
set course for warmer seas
and head down south to sandy keys,
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.


This was an excercise for me in meter and imagery.

Hi, John, I enjoyed the imagery and that Autumn feeling of imminent change it evoked.

The poem has pretty strong iambic meter throughout, I had the most trouble demoting "great" S3 L1, you can do better
there.
You set the poem off on a pattern of alternating 4 feet/ 3 feet lines, then abandon it in the last 6 lines. For me that weakened the poem.

Same on the erratic rhyme scheme. While I can enjoy the here and there rhyme, the effort to twist some lines into it seems particularly awkward when there is no commitment to a rhyme scheme that I could see. I'm talking about S1L4, a real waste of a line for no payoff, and "they’re telling me it’s time I was away," this line needs to be reworked to match the natural speech pattern of the rest of the poem.

So, a really good effort here and a poem that I enjoyed reading, even in spring when autumn seems far in the future. Thanks for posting it.

Thanks Ella,

I edited the original poem, I know this is not the preferred way but I couldn't find the instructions for doing it properly. Sorry.

Anyway, in making the rhyme scheme consistent and maintaining the 4/3 pattern throughout I've ended up with a perfect strophic form lyric! But in a song there would be instrumental solos between each section to provide the variety and break the monotony. 

I tried to achieve this in the poem by breaking away from the rhyme scheme and meter after setting the scene. I guess this doesn't work. 

Thanks again!

[wasellajam]

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Great delta-flights of honking geese
return to winter waters,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
they’re telling me it’s time I was away,

so now I’ll raise the anchor,
set course for warmer seas
and head down south to sandy keys,
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.


This was an excercise for me in meter and imagery.

Hi, John, I enjoyed the imagery and that Autumn feeling of imminent change it evoked.

The poem has pretty strong iambic meter throughout, I had the most trouble demoting "great" S3 L1, you can do better
there.
You set the poem off on a pattern of alternating 4 feet/ 3 feet lines, then abandon it in the last 6 lines. For me that weakened the poem.

Same on the erratic rhyme scheme. While I can enjoy the here and there rhyme, the effort to twist some lines into it seems particularly awkward when there is no commitment to a rhyme scheme that I could see. I'm talking about S1L4, a real waste of a line for no payoff, and "they’re telling me it’s time I was away," this line needs to be reworked to match the natural speech pattern of the rest of the poem.

So, a really good effort here and a poem that I enjoyed reading, even in spring when autumn seems far in the future. Thanks for posting it.

Thanks Ella,

I edited the original poem, I know this is not the preferred way but I couldn't find the instructions for doing it properly. Sorry.

Anyway, in making the rhyme scheme consistent and maintaining the 4/3 pattern throughout I've ended up with a perfect strophic form lyric! But in a song there would be instrumental solos between each section to provide the variety and break the monotony. 

I tried to achieve this in the poem by breaking away from the rhyme scheme and meter after setting the scene. I guess this doesn't work. 

Thanks again!

How to post an edit

Those are good reasons to vary rhyme and meter, it takes some skill to not have it seem haphazard. Like varying them to change the pace, or to draw attention to something. You need a good reason to change the expectations of the reader, maybe if the rest had been more consistent the change from Chesapeake to the Keys would have been effective to me. But also, there are great examples on this very site of meter and rhyme being so well done it's an almost invisible framework for the poem. You'll find some of those in the practice threads.

Remember, I'm just one reader, the original may have worked better for someone else. I'll be back after spending some time with the edit.

[wasellajam]

Hi, John, Nice work on this, my only real issue is in S1, a few notes:

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.
This stanza still reads off. The rest of the poem has a rhyme scheme xaxa, xbxb, etc. this one has xaaa. For me that weakens the poem and L4 has no life in it.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Long delta-flights of honking geese
come back to winter homes,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
it's time for me to roam
Big improvement in L4.

I'll head south to the islands now,
warm seas and sandy cays
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.
I'm missing the anchor that gave me traveling by boat, I enjoyed that.

[JohnS]

Hi, John, Nice work on this, my only real issue is in S1, a few notes:

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.
This stanza still reads off. The rest of the poem has a rhyme scheme xaxa, xbxb, etc. this one has xaaa. For me that weakens the poem and L4 has no life in it.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Long delta-flights of honking geese
come back to winter homes,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
it's time for me to roam
Big improvement in L4.

I'll head south to the islands now,
warm seas and sandy cays
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.
I'm missing the anchor that gave me traveling by boat, I enjoyed that.

Thanks Ella, that's very useful as usual. Easily fixed, of course. S1 L3 would be "and when the morning mist has gone" to reinstate the xaxa pattern. 
Regarding the sailboat, you're definitely correct, it needs that. I think changing "I'll head...." to "I'll sail...." might do the trick but I, too, would like to get the up-anchor back in there.
You've given me food for thought. 
But, at the end of the day, I feel like I've written a song rather than a poem. Yikes!

[wasellajam]

Hi, John, Nice work on this, my only real issue is in S1, a few notes:

I step on deck to watch the dawn,
all’s quiet on the bay,
and when the mist has burnt away
we’ll have a fine new day.
This stanza still reads off. The rest of the poem has a rhyme scheme xaxa, xbxb, etc. this one has xaaa. For me that weakens the poem and L4 has no life in it.

The forest wears its mantel now
of brown and gold and red,
for burning summer days have passed,
and fall is here instead.

Long delta-flights of honking geese
come back to winter homes,
and cooler winds blow on the bay,
it's time for me to roam
Big improvement in L4.

I'll head south to the islands now,
warm seas and sandy cays
but next year I’ll be here again,
amongst these golden trees.
I'm missing the anchor that gave me traveling by boat, I enjoyed that.

Thanks Ella, that's very useful as usual. Easily fixed, of course. S1 L3 would be "and when the morning mist has gone" to reinstate the xaxa pattern. 
Regarding the sailboat, you're definitely correct, it needs that. I think changing "I'll head...." to "I'll sail...." might do the trick but I, too, would like to get the up-anchor back in there.
You've given me food for thought. 
But, at the end of the day, I feel like I've written a song rather than a poem. Yikes!

All poems were songs before the printing press. Ideally you want a metaphor in there but it will come, nothing wrong with practicing technique.