Waking Sight

[alonso ramoran]

Summer, pedaling around the end
of the street with uncle ninong.
Salsa playing in the house.
I'm dancing with abuela, looking up.
Drifting air of fresh steamed rice.
The loudest people everywhere.
It could be someone's birthday.
Knucklebones across the floor,
a cousin teaching. I don't get it.
Big doors open to new voices,
each one saying welcome.

[Deor Ana Log]

Summer, pedaling around the end I like how you immediately set the scene
of the street with uncle ninong. Putting Ninong in uppercase provides clarity
Salsa playing in the house. Maybe say, "His House" or "Our House"
I'm dancing with abuela, looking up. Maybe experiment with putting "looking up" on a seperate line, for readability
Drifting air of fresh steamed rice. Try adding a comma between fresh and steamed
The loudest people everywhere. To general here in my opinion
It could be someone's birthday. Being specific about the name would personalize the poem to a greater extent
Knucklebones across the floor, Added an adjective to the floor would be great
a cousin teaching. I don't get it. oof what don't you get exactly. Explain.
Big doors open to new voices, new voices of who?
each one saying welcome. You could use quotation marks here for emphasis

Overall this is poem which is too short for it's own good, because it has some super interesting ideas that need space to grow. I recommend adding two other stanzas to flesh out the story. Thanks for sharing!

[alonso ramoran]

Summer, pedaling around the end I like how you immediately set the scene
of the street with uncle ninong. Putting Ninong in uppercase provides clarity
Salsa playing in the house. Maybe say, "His House" or "Our House"
I'm dancing with abuela, looking up. Maybe experiment with putting "looking up" on a seperate line, for readability
Drifting air of fresh steamed rice. Try adding a comma between fresh and steamed
The loudest people everywhere. To general here in my opinion
It could be someone's birthday. Being specific about the name would personalize the poem to a greater extent
Knucklebones across the floor, Added an adjective to the floor would be great
a cousin teaching. I don't get it. oof what don't you get exactly. Explain.
Big doors open to new voices, new voices of who?
each one saying welcome. You could use quotation marks here for emphasis

Overall this is poem which is too short for it's own good, because it has some super interesting ideas that need space to grow. I recommend adding two other stanzas to flesh out the story. Thanks for sharing!

Eh, wasn't really intended to be a longer poem. To reply to some of your comments:
L2 - to me it feels clunky capitalizing familial titles. Or like I'm forcing the reader to assign importance to someone who is only important to the speaker. I wouldn't capitalize "Mama" or "Papa" in a poem for instance. Unless there is some clear intention. Lower case feels more casual.
L3 - whose house it is doesn't matter to the speaker
L7 - some details aren't entirely clear for a reason
L8 - the game
L9 - family, friends, doesn't matter. in the moment it doesn't matter to the speaker
L10 - no, because they're not actually saying welcome

[Deor Ana Log]

I am wondering which of my critiques are you most likely to implement into this piece, just so I can better hone those skills myself. Thank you for the swift response- Deor Ana Log