A sea of vessels floods the sagging shelves, arriving boxed and wrapped in dated news. Inherited or found on treasure hunts, each glass specifically designed to serve up brandy, cabernet or gin, some sized to gulp a dose of juice or milk. Diminutive espresso cups await their morning steam, the larger mugs and cups exclusively for coffee, herbal tea— filled and emptied, emptied filled.
Assorted vases wait above the sink to gently brace the floppy crocuses, some stout enough to bear the bending weight of fresh-cut lilacs dripping off a branch. In winter when the gifts of gardens wane their colored glass adorns the window sill to capture early evening’s slanted sun— filled and emptied, emptied filled.
Each acquisition needs a place to live, reshuffling’s a necessary task to satisfy the cravings of today— filled and empty, emptied filled.
On Repeat
A multitude of vessels crowd the shelves, arriving boxed and wrapped in dated news. Inherited or come across at sales, each glass specifically designed to serve up brandy, cabernet or gin, some sized for daily dose of juice or milk. Diminutive espresso cups await their morning steam, the larger mugs and cups exclusively for coffee, herbal tea. Filled and emptied, emptied filled.
In season, vases hold their blossoms tall: some lightly hold the floppy crocuses, some stout enough to bear the bending weight of fresh-cut lilacs dripping off a branch. In winter when the gifts of gardens wane the colored glass adorns the window sill to capture early evening’s slanted sun. Filled and emptied, emptied filled.
Each acquisition needs a place to live, reshuffling’s a necessary task to satisfy the cravings of today. Filled and empty, emptied filled.
(all crit mild to intensive gratefully encouraged)
A multitude of vessels crowd the shelves, to nitpick terribly, "multitude" is singular so it should be "crowds" arriving boxed and wrapped in dated news. Inherited or come across at sales, perhaps "come-across" ? each glass specifically designed to serve up brandy, cabernet or gin, some sized for daily dose of juice or milk. weird suggestion: "daily gills" Diminutive espresso cups await their morning steam, the larger mugs and cups exclusively for coffee, herbal tea. Filled and emptied, emptied filled. see below about the refrain
In season, vases hold their blossoms tall: sounds like an inversion, though it's not if "tall" is a sort of adverb to "hold" some lightly hold the floppy crocuses, this "hold" works better some stout enough to bear the bending weight of fresh-cut lilacs dripping off a branch. nice image In winter when the gifts of gardens wane the colored glass adorns the window sill "the" could be improved? to capture early evening’s slanted sun. Filled and emptied, emptied filled.
Each acquisition needs a place to live, mild suggestion, "new acquaintance" for "acquisition," probably stet reshuffling’s a necessary task to satisfy the cravings of today. Filled and empty, emptied filled.
(all crit mild to intensive gratefully encouraged)
A pleasant meditation (personally, I wonder why my little house contains so many chairs when there's so seldom more than one a**e to fill them).
Concerning "gills," I thought "drams" but they're much too small; at 4oz, gills are one to a teacup or two to a tumbler. And semi-rhyme with "milk" ...
"[T]he colored glass." *Not* a campaign in my eternal war on the word "the" - but I think this could be improved. I get the thought - my special, collected colored (as opposed to clear) glassware. But it's important the reader gets that (and is not misled to think it's singular - one colored glass tumbler). A bad replacement for the line would be, "my colored glassware lines the window sill," but you see what I mean.
And the refrain. The idea is perfect; it would be purely pedantic to fiddle with the punctuation ("Filled and empty; empty, filled") just to enforce a particular cadence when reading. And there may be a perfect reason for departing from IP in the rest of the blank verse here for the refrain. The "missing" first stressed syllable could be a breath taken, or a sigh. But I'm not convinced. Perhaps an indent for the refrain, to suggest a pause for reflection?
Hope that's not too much for mild. A fine concept, reflecting on all those open-mouthed containers of time, air, and only occasional drink.
Quick edit: a radical idea, but could each of the lines prior to the refrain end in an ellipsis or em-dash, perhaps without capitalizing "filled" there? A mechanistic way to get that pause...
A multitude of vessels crowd the shelves, to nitpick terribly, "multitude" is singular so it should be "crowds" arriving boxed and wrapped in dated news. Inherited or come across at sales, perhaps "come-across" ? each glass specifically designed to serve up brandy, cabernet or gin, some sized for daily dose of juice or milk. weird suggestion: "daily gills" Diminutive espresso cups await their morning steam, the larger mugs and cups exclusively for coffee, herbal tea. Filled and emptied, emptied filled. see below about the refrain
In season, vases hold their blossoms tall: sounds like an inversion, though it's not if "tall" is a sort of adverb to "hold" some lightly hold the floppy crocuses, this "hold" works better some stout enough to bear the bending weight of fresh-cut lilacs dripping off a branch. nice image In winter when the gifts of gardens wane the colored glass adorns the window sill "the" could be improved? to capture early evening’s slanted sun. Filled and emptied, emptied filled.
Each acquisition needs a place to live, mild suggestion, "new acquaintance" for "acquisition," probably stet reshuffling’s a necessary task to satisfy the cravings of today. Filled and empty, emptied filled.
(all crit mild to intensive gratefully encouraged)
A pleasant meditation (personally, I wonder why my little house contains so many chairs when there's so seldom more than one a**e to fill them).
Concerning "gills," I thought "drams" but they're much too small; at 4oz, gills are one to a teacup or two to a tumbler. And semi-rhyme with "milk" ...
"[T]he colored glass." *Not* a campaign in my eternal war on the word "the" - but I think this could be improved. I get the thought - my special, collected colored (as opposed to clear) glassware. But it's important the reader gets that (and is not misled to think it's singular - one colored glass tumbler). A bad replacement for the line would be, "my colored glassware lines the window sill," but you see what I mean.
And the refrain. The idea is perfect; it would be purely pedantic to fiddle with the punctuation ("Filled and empty; empty, filled") just to enforce a particular cadence when reading. And there may be a perfect reason for departing from IP in the rest of the blank verse here for the refrain. The "missing" first stressed syllable could be a breath taken, or a sigh. But I'm not convinced. Perhaps an indent for the refrain, to suggest a pause for reflection?
Hope that's not too much for mild. A fine concept, reflecting on all those open-mouthed containers of time, air, and only occasional drink.
Quick edit: a radical idea, but could each of the lines prior to the refrain end in an ellipsis or em-dash, perhaps without capitalizing "filled" there? A mechanistic way to get that pause...
Duke!! Thank you so much for taking the time with this. Never too much crit, feel free. I'm never sure where to post because I want all comments, greedy like that. And really Basic is now mild so moderate here? Who knows?
Great ideas. The one I don't understand is "multitude". I have A multitude, so singular, a multitude of vessels, I'm not hearing what's off with it.
Gill! Never heard of it as a measure and no one I daily talk to would have a clue either so no for that, plus the juice and milk glasses are different, 4oz, 8oz (you don't want to even imagine my cabinets). But I will revisit "dose".
I'll rethink "hold their blossoms tall", I'm sure there's a less questionable phrase. I'll work on 'the colored glass". No on acquaintance, too blunt, but I'll revisit the line.
The refrain: I'm glad at least the concept is working, a happy start for me. It started as a Terza Rima but I quickly shook off the rhyme and then wanted the refrain to shake off the meter. I'm not saying it works, just that I like it. I think your ideas on how to keep it are valid, going to try them out. Punctuation there, I've tried to minimize the punctuation in general, switching things around to avoid it. I will look at it though.
To see why l.1 seems "wrong" to me, see your current l.15,
In winter when the gifts of gardens wane
If you were talking about the universal blessing of gardens in general, you would write
In winter when the gift of gardens wanes
and not
In winter when the gift of gardens wane
because the subject of the verb "wane" is the gift, not the gardens, so it should be singular. In l.1 "multitude" is singular (not "multitudes") and it, not "vessels" is the subject of the verb "crowds." It looks and sounds funny because the plural "vessels" is closer to "crowds" (singular verb form) than "multitude," but "of vessels" is only a modifier.
"Multitude" also confuses the issue because it can *almost" be used as a collective, like "deer." "A multitude stands ready to fight for their rights" sounds better than "a multitude stands ready to fight for its rights." A case where being right sounds wrong - so probably best avoided! For example, "Multitudes of people stand ready to fight for their rights," which finesses the issue.
(Just felt strong deja vu - have I had this discussion before?)
(Yesterday, 09:06 AM)dukealien Wrote: To see why l.1 seems "wrong" to me, see your current l.15,
In winter when the gifts of gardens wane
If you were talking about the universal blessing of gardens in general, you would write
In winter when the gift of gardens wanes
and not
In winter when the gift of gardens wane
because the subject of the verb "wane" is the gift, not the gardens, so it should be singular. In l.1 "multitude" is singular (not "multitudes") and it, not "vessels" is the subject of the verb "crowds." It looks and sounds funny because the plural "vessels" is closer to "crowds" (singular verb form) than "multitude," but "of vessels" is only a modifier.
"Multitude" also confuses the issue because it can *almost" be used as a collective, like "deer." "A multitude stands ready to fight for their rights" sounds better than "a multitude stands ready to fight for its rights." A case where being right sounds wrong - so probably best avoided! For example, "Multitudes of people stand ready to fight for their rights," which finesses the issue.
(Just felt strong deja vu - have I had this discussion before?)
ha, if you've had this specific multitude discussion before I don't recall it being with me. If you've had a similar conversation before there's a good possibility it was with me because halfway through I glaze over and decide it's easier to edit. I'll find a clearer way to say it. And I will read again and really try to understand your answer.
In winter when the gifts of gardens wane
I was using gifts referring to the flowers. I'm leaning towards your version for its grace but would it be proper to leave it if I want to? Don't be afraid to say no.
I'm trying out the em dash which I never use, we'll see.
I hope you understand how much you help me, each line you pick on ends up better, it makes a real difference.
Oh, is it crowd instead of crowds that's the issue? Is that a fix?
ugh, now I hate the line, gone next edit
The edits are coming along nicely (1.5) - I particularly like
their colored glass adorns the window sill to capture early evening’s slanted sun—
Had to chuckle about advice leading to improvements. If all my ideas were good, think of the poetry I could write ! Ackshully, all it does is make you live with the poem a little longer... yada oyster, yada grit, yada pearl.
(4 hours ago)dukealien Wrote: Yes, "crowd" was the point of departure.
The edits are coming along nicely (1.5) - I particularly like
their colored glass adorns the window sill to capture early evening’s slanted sun—
Had to chuckle about advice leading to improvements. If all my ideas were good, think of the poetry I could write ! Ackshully, all it does is make you live with the poem a little longer... yada oyster, yada grit, yada pearl.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure my new opening line will not hold, overdone, but I was done with looking at the old one, multitude, assemblage, collection, ocean with such nice sonics and screwed meter. Good thing I like this stuff.
And I don't use every idea, just the majority of them. And your arrows are on point.
! Ackshully, all it does is make you live with the poem a little longer... yada oyster, yada grit, yada pearl.