My love

[wizzpower]

My love

T’was involuntary, can’t help myself

But I was lost the moment I saw you.

Though many years with me, yourself and I

But, still, I see half of my heart in you.

I stare into your adorable eyes,

Reflection in them revealing my gaze.

Dreaming, melting in the corner like ice.

Wishing the love is passionate like blaze.

The shimmering moonlight, suffice, it should, 

yet dazzling sunlight, that ingrate desires.

No torch in hand so he misunderstood.

In now’s platonic state, lies, he requires.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?

I think I love you, I’m really not sure

I was trying to practice writing sonnets but this concept came to mind so i had to write about it

bad ryhme or meter may or may not have been conveniently intentional :p

might not be good practice to start poking holes in traditional structure without doing okay with it first though...
My love

I have been yours. Without you, I would die.

I never thought we would be stuck as friends.
Though years have passed, with me, yourself and I,
You’ve stolen half my heart; my time suspends.
I lose myself within your lovely eyes.
Although your iris skews oh so astray 
A single silhouette is all that lies,
just near your pupil, there, to my dismay.

The faint glow, moonlight shimmers; cozy bright,
Is not enough for the pathetic fool.
He swoons over the dazzling sun through night.
His lamp, unlit, casts shadows like a ghoul.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m probably sure.

2nd try
Hopefully my concept is more clear

[milo]

My love


T’was involuntary, can’t help myself
But I was lost the moment I saw you.
Though many years with me, yourself and I
But, still, I see half of my heart in you.
I stare into your adorable eyes,
Reflection in them revealing my gaze.
Dreaming, melting in the corner like ice.
Wishing the love is passionate like blaze.

The shimmering moonlight, suffice, it should, 
yet dazzling sunlight, that ingrate desires.
No torch in hand so he misunderstood.
In now’s platonic state, lies, he requires.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m really not sure

I was trying to practice writing sonnets but this concept came to mind so i had to write about it
bad ryhme or meter may or may not have been conveniently intentional :p
might not be good practice to start poking holes in traditional structure without doing okay with it first though...

First - it's excellent practice to poke holes in traditional structures.

Really, I think the main issues here are you are trying to rely too much on traditional concepts of what you think love poetry should sound like.  You have things you want to say - you live in a modern world - you have felt love but you are writing things like:  "Wishing th elove is passionate like blaze"

Now I am not sure what type of feedback you would like here, we could work toward perfecting the grammar, the awkwardness, the meter the rhymes - thos are all easily fixable.  At then end you will have a poem - of sorts.  It won't be terribly interesting and noone will want to read it but we will have it.

Let me know which direction you would like to go.

Thanks for posting, dont be disparaged, I still remember my first sonnet, it was ghastly.

[wizzpower]

My love


T’was involuntary, can’t help myself
But I was lost the moment I saw you.
Though many years with me, yourself and I
But, still, I see half of my heart in you.
I stare into your adorable eyes,
Reflection in them revealing my gaze.
Dreaming, melting in the corner like ice.
Wishing the love is passionate like blaze.

The shimmering moonlight, suffice, it should, 
yet dazzling sunlight, that ingrate desires.
No torch in hand so he misunderstood.
In now’s platonic state, lies, he requires.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m really not sure

I was trying to practice writing sonnets but this concept came to mind so i had to write about it
bad ryhme or meter may or may not have been conveniently intentional :p
might not be good practice to start poking holes in traditional structure without doing okay with it first though...

First - it's excellent practice to poke holes in traditional structures.

Really, I think the main issues here are you are trying to rely too much on traditional concepts of what you think love poetry should sound like.  You have things you want to say - you live in a modern world - you have felt love but you are writing things like:  "Wishing th elove is passionate like blaze"

Now I am not sure what type of feedback you would like here, we could work toward perfecting the grammar, the awkwardness, the meter the rhymes - thos are all easily fixable.  At then end you will have a poem - of sorts.  It won't be terribly interesting and noone will want to read it but we will have it.

Let me know which direction you would like to go.

Thanks for posting, dont be disparaged, I still remember my first sonnet, it was ghastly.

I feel like tightening the diction and meter would be great.
The traditional "cliche" concept of love poetry was kinda intentional only for like first 2 Quatrain
but if it wasnt obvious using better diction would certainly help

[milo]

My love


T’was involuntary, can’t help myself
But I was lost the moment I saw you.
Though many years with me, yourself and I
But, still, I see half of my heart in you.

So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

[wizzpower]

My love


T’was involuntary, can’t help myself
But I was lost the moment I saw you.
Though many years with me, yourself and I
But, still, I see half of my heart in you.

So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

[milo]

My love


T’was involuntary, can’t help myself
But I was lost the moment I saw you.
Though many years with me, yourself and I
But, still, I see half of my heart in you.

So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

[wizzpower]

[/font][/size][/color]

So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

thanks man
so i think we can try going like quatrain by quatrain
and yeah the 2nd staza will be very hard
but we can start with the first quatrain first

I wanted to express having no choice to fall in love
(i also wanted to do the drive of this being in love with love is lonliness thats why uhh lack of choice and " No torch in hand so he misunderstood")
i tried to put alot of foreshadowing inside within the phrases which is probably why it becamse so awkward.
so maybe the goal here is to set the cliche love poem tone, inject forshadowing and probably express the lack of agency

I do agree that me, yourself and I is something i should keep
i like that part

Maybe you could tell me how i could imrpove to achieve those goals?
Ill get to thinking how i can do those better

[wizzpower]

[/font][/size][/color]

So, metrically, it isn't a tough fix.  Rhyming you with you isn't great.  "Yourself and I" is interesting and I feel like the first look into the actual author/narrator in this case.  It is tough to get the rhyme for it though, we could force a demotion on the "I" and think of something interesting that would rhyme on the demoted version (I am going to try hand, I in this case just for demonstration)  of course, if I do that, the reader will think I am forcing the rhyme on the second so an old trick would be to bring the constructed rhyme up so it naturally settles into the original rhyme as a pleasant surprise:

It was involuntary - reaching for your hand, I
caught myself that first time standing close
as years passed by, filled with me, yourself and I
find myself again, reaching for that hand I chose

etc, etc . . .

try continuing in that vein - find interesting natural  language that says what you - an honest real human being that has had real experience - feel sometimes.  Try to use interesting comparisons and language but make it real and make it yours

Thanks

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

i might also need some identification of which lines or ideas expressed here should be kept and what should be reworked, like if the meter or ryhme should become more standard

[milo]

I lowkey feel abit rude explaining this but tbf it probably isnt since its my fault
so uhh the concept i was trying to go for was writing a sonnet about being in love with love
i wanted to use traditional "cliche" phrases at the start to create a fake, superficial feeling especially after getting the context (like on the 2nd read or smth)
the ryhme and meter being abit off is a happy accident to show the awkwardness within the relationship itself.
And then splitting the sonnet into like 3 stanzas with the 2nd one showing actually what actually is happening like a volta of some sorts and then sprinkling forshadowing abit through like "lost" , "i see half of my heart in you" , "reflection in them revealing my gaze"
I tried making it obvious for the last 6 lines so yeah

thats just my thought process 
idk if this concept is worth trying much but it seems pretty cool and is good practice
so hopefully you could share some thoughts on how to better bring about this concept through like better word choice and improivng the rhythm to fit this
Thanks

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

i might also need some identification of which lines or ideas expressed here should be kept and what should be reworked, like if the meter or ryhme should become more standard

If I was you, I would standardize the meter and rhyme  first.  i feel like it is easier to start with some solid bones like that and then later, if you wanted to indicate in the beginning that something was off or cheesy it would be a lot easier to change in that direction.

As for what to keep or not, that is a decision you have to make.  If it was me, I would either 1. Wait for feedback from other members and then take that feedback and rework it to try to hit your goals (assuming they haven't changed that is to write a poem about being in love with love itself).  Then think of some key words/images/phrases or metaphors that would communicate that without saying it.  Think of your narrator for a minute.  What is this guy like?  Is his hair medium length but maybe grown out a bit much?  How does he dress?  Is he trying to be retro cool with his waffle shirts and denim jacket and his shit - what were those boots all the emo kids were wearing?  Oh, right, Doc Martins.  How does he smell.  How does he act.  Get to know this guy because when you write, it is him speaking and he shouldn't say anything that he wouldn't say or it reads fake.  Does that make sense?  Or 2.  Attempt a rewrite now based on any changes in thought you may have had since you originally worte it. 

 The heaviest edits always come early in a poem's life cycle with smaller refinements later so don't be afraid to chop.  To look for someone who is GREAT at that, I suggest reading a few of wasellajam's posts - she is excellent at editing, rewriting, incorporating new ideas and suggestions.  Of course the risk we are running into here is that I have overwhelmed the feedback on this one so other members may not feel comfortable commenting in its current state.  No worries, just make a small edit and start a new thread if you think that would be helpful.

[wizzpower]

well, you have to actually write the poem and I can see the concept and it is intriguing though I am not sure you will be able to get a poetry reader to read through that far without dismissing the entire thing and - and this is a big and - to pull it off, the remainder non-cliché part will need to be of a skill level so high that it will need to assert without doubt that was the goal, but I am game to work it out with you if you want, what assistance can I offer?

i might also need some identification of which lines or ideas expressed here should be kept and what should be reworked, like if the meter or ryhme should become more standard

If I was you, I would standardize the meter and rhyme  first.  i feel like it is easier to start with some solid bones like that and then later, if you wanted to indicate in the beginning that something was off or cheesy it would be a lot easier to change in that direction.

As for what to keep or not, that is a decision you have to make.  If it was me, I would either 1. Wait for feedback from other members and then take that feedback and rework it to try to hit your goals (assuming they haven't changed that is to write a poem about being in love with love itself).  Then think of some key words/images/phrases or metaphors that would communicate that without saying it.  Think of your narrator for a minute.  What is this guy like?  Is his hair medium length but maybe grown out a bit much?  How does he dress?  Is he trying to be retro cool with his waffle shirts and denim jacket and his shit - what were those boots all the emo kids were wearing?  Oh, right, Doc Martins.  How does he smell.  How does he act.  Get to know this guy because when you write, it is him speaking and he shouldn't say anything that he wouldn't say or it reads fake.  Does that make sense?  Or 2.  Attempt a rewrite now based on any changes in thought you may have had since you originally worte it. 

 The heaviest edits always come early in a poem's life cycle with smaller refinements later so don't be afraid to chop.  To look for someone who is GREAT at that, I suggest reading a few of wasellajam's posts - she is excellent at editing, rewriting, incorporating new ideas and suggestions.  Of course the risk we are running into here is that I have overwhelmed the feedback on this one so other members may not feel comfortable commenting in its current state.  No worries, just make a small edit and start a new thread if you think that would be helpful.

thanks man
really helpful

[wizzpower]

2nd try this time
bumping this to hopefully gather more thoughts and ideas on how to improve

[wasellajam]

My love

I have been yours. Without you, I would die.

I never thought we would be stuck as friends.
Though years have passed, with me, yourself and I,
You’ve stolen half my heart; my time suspends.
I lose myself within your lovely eyes.
Although your iris skews oh so astray 
A single silhouette is all that lies,
just near your pupil, there, to my dismay.

The faint glow, moonlight shimmers; cozy bright,
Is not enough for the pathetic fool.
He swoons over the dazzling sun through night.
His lamp, unlit, casts shadows like a ghoul.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m probably sure.

2nd try
Hopefully my concept is more clear

Hi, wiz, please correct me if I misunderstand your intent. I got the impression from your explanations that you were purposely making the first half cliched to contrast something (?) in the second half. I'm not seeing much of a contrast or anything in the last 6 lines that make bluntness and cliche of the opening 8 worth it. Sorry, just not getting it, or have misinterpreted your goal. Hopefully someone else can be of more help. I do appreciate the work you're putting in, that in itself I'm sure is worthwhile.

[wizzpower]

My love

I have been yours. Without you, I would die.

I never thought we would be stuck as friends.
Though years have passed, with me, yourself and I,
You’ve stolen half my heart; my time suspends.
I lose myself within your lovely eyes.
Although your iris skews oh so astray 
A single silhouette is all that lies,
just near your pupil, there, to my dismay.

The faint glow, moonlight shimmers; cozy bright,
Is not enough for the pathetic fool.
He swoons over the dazzling sun through night.
His lamp, unlit, casts shadows like a ghoul.

My whole heart, missing! Who has it with her?
I think I love you, I’m probably sure.

2nd try
Hopefully my concept is more clear

Hi, wiz, please correct me if I misunderstand your intent. I got the impression from your explanations that you were purposely making the first half cliched to contrast something (?) in the second half. I'm not seeing much of a contrast or anything in the last 6 lines that make bluntness and cliche of the opening 8 worth it. Sorry, just not getting it, or have misinterpreted your goal.  Hopefully someone else can be of more help. I do appreciate the work you're putting in, that in itself I'm sure is worthwhile.

 
My intent was to write a poem about being in love with love
so i tried making the first 8 lines cliche, to show the speaker being "in love"
and then the others tried to expose how the love is not to the "beloved"
but i did try to put like the whole concept about being in love with love apparant, esp with 5 to 8 lines ,throughout

I do want to know what makes my poem not being able to express this concept esp through my ideas or what can be changed or considered that makes it easier for others to understand what i am