Weakened

[Magpie]

Weakened

When the workmen descended
upon the spruce and pine
to protect the electric
pylons they cut a gateway
dissecting the forest,
a slice that severed ancient
limbs leaving a corridor
of sanitised destruction.

When the storm descended
to the loch and through the glen
it shook the doors centuries old
and rattled the roots of noble
firs and toppled sycamores,
a swathe that ripped ancient
limbs leaving a corridor
of natural destruction.

Now I clamber fallen
oak where we once laughed.

[wasellajam]

Hi, I like this, very relatable and strong images. Some notes:

Weakened

When the workmen descended I like descended here, an attack.
upon the spruce and pine
to protect the electric
pylons they cut a gateway
dissecting the forest,
a slice that severed ancient
limbs leaving a corridor
of sanitised destruction.
These blights to the human eye seem to become a favored path for wildlife dealing with loss of habitat. Don't know if this thought is of any use to you.

When the storm descended Descended seemed odd here, especially because storms don't have the intention of workmen. I'm unsure if that helps or hurts the poem.
to the loch and through the glen
it shook the doors centuries old Still trying to figure out why you don't say "centuries old doors". I know the break on old is good but it reads awkwardly. Doors might not be a bad break either because you're putting humans back in the forest even in this more natural strophe.
and rattled the roots of noble I like this line, it's what scares me during storms.
firs and toppled sycamores,
a swathe that ripped ancient
limbs leaving a corridor "ancient limbs" come off as a bit cliche here, it didn't bother me above.
of natural destruction.
I'm a fan of the five different trees, a mixed forest is a much different image than one or two. 
Now I clamber fallen 
oak where we once laughed.
This would read smoother as "a fallen" or "oaks", I prefer "a fallen" because it givens me room to imagine a comma after clamber if I want to. Love clamber.

I better stop and post this, too much already?  Thanks for posting this, I hope something in there helps.

[Magpie]

Hi, I like this, very relatable and strong images. Some notes:

Weakened

When the workmen descended I like descended here, an attack.
upon the spruce and pine
to protect the electric
pylons they cut a gateway
dissecting the forest,
a slice that severed ancient
limbs leaving a corridor
of sanitised destruction.
These blights to the human eye seem to become a favored path for wildlife dealing with loss of habitat. Don't know if this thought is of any use to you.

When the storm descended Descended seemed odd here, especially because storms don't have the intention of workmen. I'm unsure if that helps or hurts the poem. -- noted - I was trying to mirror the first stanza but I see your point
to the loch and through the glen
it shook the doors centuries old Still trying to figure out why you don't say "centuries old doors". I know the break on old is good but it reads awkwardly. Doors might not be a bad break either because you're putting humans back in the forest even in this more natural strophe. -- yeah i was trying to clever I suppose as in 'sentries' I was thinking about 'cent'ries' but it looks odd 
and rattled the roots of noble I like this line, it's what scares me during storms.
firs and toppled sycamores,
a swathe that ripped ancient
limbs leaving a corridor "ancient limbs" come off as a bit cliche here, it didn't bother me above. -- I was going for symmetry again but it doesn't seemed to have helped my cause
of natural destruction.
I'm a fan of the five different trees, a mixed forest is a much different image than one or two. 
Now I clamber fallen 
oak where we once laughed.
This would read smoother as "a fallen" or "oaks", I prefer "a fallen" because it givens me room to imagine a comma after clamber if I want to. Love clamber. -- trying to be clever with enjambment here as in it's the narrator who is 'fallen'. Is oak also the plural of oak, not sure, my intention was that there were more than one.

I better stop and post this, too much already?  Thanks for posting this, I hope something in there helps.  -- don't worry about writing too much I will never mind. 

Thanks Ella for reading and commenting on, it's the first poem I've written in a long time so just getting back into it.
The idea that I had was one part of the forest being weakened by work and then that enabling the destruction of another part of the forest.

I wanted to compare it with some form of surgery, perhaps for cancer where an operation which may seem to be for the best ultimately creates a weakness. That was what the last two lines were supposed to reveal. I realise now looking at it that those two lines are ambiguous. I was going to say, 'laughed and loved' to indicate a relationship with someone that has since gone.

I'll think on how to improve.

Thanks again

[wasellajam]

 I realise now looking at it that those two lines are ambiguous. I was going to say, 'laughed and loved' to indicate a relationship with someone that has since gone.

I did get that the other half of the "we" was gone. And ambiguous there is fine with me, it just reads a little awkward when if was
"Now I clamber a fallen
oak where we once laughed." 
the reader can see it either way, the N the climber or the oak. As far as the big picture, I didn't get it but I think it's a good idea. Don't assume it's you and not me, so far I'm 0 for 2 today.  Wait and see if someone else does better before messing with it. Maybe a title change or tweak in the beginning would have helped me. 

Welcome to the Rusty Poets Society, our motto is No Pride, Just Fun. Glad to have you. 

[alonso ramoran]

Magpie,

Interesting read. I appreciate the symmetry of the first 2 stanzas. It intentionally reinforces the juxtaposition you have between 2 types of destruction. Something I'm noticing is that you have this stanza about a sort of manmade destruction before the stanza about natural destruction, which makes me wonder if the N is illustrating the natural repercussions of an economic model of endless expansion and consumption. So be it if that is a stretch. More comments below.

Weakened I think the title is fine, but I do wonder if something more evocative can be used

When the workmen descended
upon the spruce and pine
to protect the electric
pylons they cut a gateway
dissecting the forest,
a slice that severed ancient
limbs leaving a corridor
of sanitised destruction. Could "sterilised" be a better fit?

When the storm descended
to the loch and through the glen Could this be reworked as "upon the loch and glen"? It would mirror S1L2 in an interesting way I think
it shook the doors centuries old
and rattled the roots of noble
firs and toppled sycamores,
a swathe that ripped ancient Swathe trips me up a bit. It is probably being used in the same way a scythe can leave a swathe of mown grass, but here it is used as a verb
limbs leaving a corridor
of natural destruction.

Now I clamber fallen
oak where we once laughed. The (artificial) division between people and nature is reconciled in the poem's last 2 lines

Thank you for sharing.

[Magpie]

Thanks for the read Alonso, you make some good observations. I particularly like the suggestion of 'sterilised' it fits the language of the first stanza better. I am currently working on a revision. 

Thank you for your input.