This is when it hurts

[JohnS]

OK, the first poem I've ever written. Some lines taken from a song lyric I wrote but restructured to a poetic form - I hope.
I think it needs an ending, and probably many other things too!
Have at it!




Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter
Its lipstick kiss still smiles at me
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her
This is when it hurts


Not in the knock down drag out fight
Not in the angry scream and shout
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning
This is when it hurts


Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence takes its place
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space
This is when it hurts

[dukealien]

OK, the first poem I've ever written. Some lines taken from a song lyric I wrote but restructured to a poetic form - I hope.
I think it needs an ending, and probably many other things too!
Have at it!

This is when it hurts.


Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter
It’s lipstick kiss still smiles at me  technically, should be "Its" (no apostrophe) because English spelling is arbitrary
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her good image/sound fusion
This is when it hurts


Not in the knock down drag out fight  a cliche there - can often be solved by rearranging or substituting a word or two
Not in the angry scream and shout  same here
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning  nice near-rhyme
This is when it hurts


Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence fills that place  this would be a good line to work on
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space  
This is when it hurts

First off, in basic critique, it's quite a fine ending.  It closes in such a way that there's really nothing more to say.  You could eliminate that first lonely line with its period, and give the poem a title (not that phrase).

Capitalizing the first word of each line has fallen out of favor.  Nothing wrong with it here, and it doesn't hinder the reading... but you might try using only ordinary sentence capitalization (if you also use punctuation marks - comma, period, and the like).  As presently written, each line  a separate entity, there's no particular reason to change, though.

This is a good concept to which a reader can relate.  My impression is that the rhymes came naturally, which bodes well for future efforts.

[JohnS]

OK, the first poem I've ever written. Some lines taken from a song lyric I wrote but restructured to a poetic form - I hope.
I think it needs an ending, and probably many other things too!
Have at it!

This is when it hurts.


Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter
It’s lipstick kiss still smiles at me  technically, should be "Its" (no apostrophe) because English spelling is arbitrary
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her good image/sound fusion
This is when it hurts


Not in the knock down drag out fight  a cliche there - can often be solved by rearranging or substituting a word or two
Not in the angry scream and shout  same here
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning  nice near-rhyme
This is when it hurts


Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence fills that place  this would be a good line to work on
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space  
This is when it hurts

First off, in basic critique, it's quite a fine ending.  It closes in such a way that there's really nothing more to say.  You could eliminate that first lonely line with its period, and give the poem a title (not that phrase).

Capitalizing the first word of each line has fallen out of favor.  Nothing wrong with it here, and it doesn't hinder the reading... but you might try using only ordinary sentence capitalization (if you also use punctuation marks - comma, period, and the like).  As presently written, each line  a separate entity, there's no particular reason to change, though.

This is a good concept to which a reader can relate.  My impression is that the rhymes came naturally, which bodes well for future efforts.

Thanks for that. 

I've changed the errant it's, I'm red faced, let's not mention it again.

That is the title up there on its own, not a line with a full stop. What would be a more poetic title? 

I'm learning something new all the time, it seems poets use punctuation and don't capitalise the first word of each line the way lyricists do.

Hmm, I'll have to think about the cliches. They sing well, but I guess that's less important in poetry than avoiding the dreaded cliche.

Thanks again

[wasellajam]

OK, the first poem I've ever written. Some lines taken from a song lyric I wrote but restructured to a poetic form - I hope.
I think it needs an ending, and probably many other things too!
Have at it!




Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter
Its lipstick kiss still smiles at me
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her
This is when it hurts


Not in the knock down drag out fight
Not in the angry scream and shout
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning
This is when it hurts


Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence takes its place
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space
This is when it hurts

Hi, John, nice first offering! You can consider cutting all the "This is when it hurts" lines, you already said it in your title and I don't know that you even need it there, for me the poem successfully says it on its own.

L1: I don't think you need lonely, the cup isn't lonely, the N is. You could either cut it or replace it with something that implies how long it's been there, or implies something else.

L2: This line made the poem for me, please protect it in any edits.

L3: It can stand as is but the clock has always been ticking, if you lose L4 you might use that space to describe how it's different now, louder? noticed when it wasn't? or drop the "and around without her" down. You have a lot of options to make the idea a little more original.

L8: You may not need both bright and new.

L10: Possibly filled instead of used to fill.

L 13: possibly a different way to say "empty space".  End there.

Something every poet has to think about: Whether or not capitalization and punctuation, or the lack of it, adds to or takes away from the poem. 

I enjoyed reading your poem, it will be interesting to see if you decide to make any changes. If you do edit do it gently and from your own idea of what could improve the poem. I hope you enjoy the process.

[JohnS]

Thanks Ella (?), I really appreciate your comments.

I will certainly be editing this poem as I learn about poetry and how it differs from lyric writing. You've given me a great deal to think about, thanks.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey John - I can definitely see this as the bones for a song

Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter maybe empty
Its lipstick kiss still smiles at me Not sure of the intended rthymn. Maybe smiling back
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her A bit clunky here, John
??? seems yer missing a line her
This is when it hurts Do you repeat this line in the song version, or part of the line?

Not in the knock down drag out fight
Not in the angry scream and shout
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning Always love the morning/dawning rhyme, even if it is a bit cliche.
This is when it hurts

Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence takes its place
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space Resectfully suggest can almost see her face because a face is more tangible than space.
This is when it hurts

Hmm... as a song yer gonna need a chorus; probably built around this is when it hurts. Presenting song lyics as a poem is fine with me, as they are close cousins. I personally find it easier to re-work as song as a poem, than to re-work a poem as a song. Anywho, just some thoughts of mine. Good luck with it.

[JohnS]

Hey John - I can definitely see this as the bones for a song

Her coffee cup sits lonely on the counter  maybe empty
Its lipstick kiss still smiles at me Not sure of the intended rthymn. Maybe smiling back
The kitchen clock ticks round and round without her  A bit clunky here, John
??? seems yer missing a line her
This is when it hurts  Do you repeat this line in the song version, or part of the line?

Not in the knock down drag out fight
Not in the angry scream and shout
But on a quiet Sunday morning
As the bright new day is dawning Always love the morning/dawning rhyme, even if it is a bit cliche.
This is when it hurts

Her laughter used to fill this room
Now silence takes its place
I turn around to talk to her
And find an empty space Resectfully suggest can almost see her face because a face is more tangible than space.
This is when it hurts

Hmm... as a song yer gonna need a chorus; probably built around this is when it hurts.  Presenting song lyics as a poem is fine with me, as they are close cousins. I personally find it easier to re-work as song as a poem, than to re-work a poem as a song. Anywho, just some thoughts of mine.  Good luck with it.

Hey Mark, thanks for taking the time. To be clear, this already is a song with chorus, bridge and verses, set to music and produced. The hook is obvious. I took some lines from the song to write a poem.
Thanks again for your comments, appreciated.