Posts: 1,271
Threads: 260
Joined: Nov 2015
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that brightened moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
as she finds she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t
this is not damnation
since it’s neither endless
nor deserved
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 101
Threads: 16
Joined: Jan 2026
Hi, I appreciate your attempt to capture this, for me it is on the verge of success. Some notes:
(02-16-2026, 05:57 AM)dukealien Wrote: she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
It took me a while to parse this, I kept applying "relieved" to "she". Strong breaks throughout.
then terror strains and locks. Not a fan of "strains".
her features back with knowing Maybe lose "with" and drop "knowing" to the next line.
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees
You clearly don't want punctuation for this but maybe try it to help you see how it should read, then remove it.
dementia’s not damnation "damnation' works so well below maybe you can lose it here, maybe just "dementia fades".
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension "tension crippled" isn't working for me, both sonically and meaning.
crippled mindfulness
and fears return Possibly "fear returns".
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless. Super ending.
I think this is an important poem, there is nothing worse than those moments of almost clarity. You might head in that direction for a title.
You're very close to portraying what feels indescribable. Kudos, thanks for posting it.
Posts: 538
Threads: 235
Joined: Dec 2017
(02-16-2026, 05:57 AM)dukealien Wrote: she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well ... This is an arresting opening
then terror strains and locks
her features back with knowing
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees ... the narration carries along apace
dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness ..... is the 'for' needed in the previous line? I don't feel that it's a strong argument that's being made here
with its heartbreaking smile ...... I don't like 'heartbreaking' for the cliche element
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return ... while this is an easy enough line, the lack of punctuation makes it confusing. It took me a while to figure out. perhaps a hyphen after tension would help, as long as the reader doesn't confuse it for an end of line em dash
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless ... a clever observation, and that itself is - unintentional or not - ironic
A fine, honest poem. Thanks for posting.
Posts: 1,416
Threads: 223
Joined: Dec 2016
(02-16-2026, 05:57 AM)dukealien Wrote: she smiles
and feeling so relieved
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then terror strains and locks
her features back with knowing
only that she cannot understand
or put a name to anything she sees
dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
I have read through it a few times and for the life of me I cannot understand why you switch from showing the reader and letting them decide what to think about it to telling the reader what to think. As I reader, I don't like anyone telling me what to think much less a poet.
This whole section:
"dementia’s not damnation
for it fades
into waking unconsciousness
with its heartbreaking smile
until tension
crippled mindfulness
and fears return"
pretty much ruins it for me. The beginning was a solid start at just letting me experience it so I am perplexed at what happened here.
Posts: 1,271
Threads: 260
Joined: Nov 2015
edit;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
Thanks to both critics. Tried to apply as much as possible from the advice without pushing it too hard.
For @wasellajam: Tried just putting a white line after the first line and it sort of worked but looked like a title, so I went with laying out who was doing what to avoid confusion. Also tried punctuation, mainly commas, and it suggested changing the line breaks to match but I didn't like the result.
(Later)
For @milo: I see where you're coming from, but your comment came in while I was off working with the other critiques. This would be stronger, maybe a bit more mysterious at first, if the whole of S3 were simply cut. As a minimum, add "her" to the beginning of S3? Taken under advisement, and a very incisive critique. As to why, as Sherlock said, I lack the gift of the true artist: knowing when to stop. 
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,416
Threads: 223
Joined: Dec 2016
(02-17-2026, 06:32 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
dementia fades into
waking unconsciousness
with its peaceful smile
until unfocused mindfulness–
sight without sense–
returns in fear
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
Thanks to both critics. Tried to apply as much as possible from the advice without pushing it too hard.
For @wasellajam: Tried just putting a white line after the first line and it sort of worked but looked like a title, so I went with laying out who was doing what to avoid confusion. Also tried punctuation, mainly commas, and it suggested changing the line breaks to match but I didn't like the result.
(Later)
For @milo: I see where you're coming from, but your comment came in while I was off working with the other critiques. This would be stronger, maybe a bit more mysterious at first, if the whole of S3 were simply cut. As a minimum, add "her" to the beginning of S3? Taken under advisement, and a very incisive critique. As to why, as Sherlock said, I lack the gift of the true artist: knowing when to stop.
yes, my comment hit at the same time as your edit. i was putting off saying anything as I wasn't sure it added value but then I decided that you have been so generous with your own comments it made sense to at least offer what I could.
I will now read the edit a few times and see if I have anything else to offer.
Posts: 1,271
Threads: 260
Joined: Nov 2015
edit2;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
blessed smile again
alights dove-like
I want to turn away
before next fright
but can’t
alternation
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
Tried it without S3 but the afterword seemed unmoored and the stanza grew back - hopefully showing more than telling? But S4 seemed abrupt as well as editorial. So a small bridge... and now S3 seems unnecessary again. Advice would be much appreciated.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 101
Threads: 16
Joined: Jan 2026
Hi, duke, glad to see you working on this, it's worth it. Some notes:
(02-16-2026, 05:57 AM)dukealien Wrote: she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her The addition of "for her" cleared my confusion here.
in that warm swift moment
I must cry except.
it’s gone before my tears can well
"Must cry" has always bothered me. What actually is that split second before the tears well? I think of that welling feeling as the first sign tears may come. I almost cry? I might cry? Something else.
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
This strophe is nicely tightened up.
blessed smile again
alights dove-like
I want to turn away
before next fright
but can’t
I like this strophe for its "alternation," the smile returns, the N returns, it's doing its job.
I have a problem with "Blessed". Is it really blessed when it's part of the terrifying pattern. Would one state or the other be better, always oblivious or always aware so she might get used to it? I think you hit the button with the curse of alternation. Also, I have a problem with the word itself. Is it meant to be blessed or bless-ed, either way not a fan of "blessed smile" on my tongue.
"Alights dove-like" feels old-fashioned for the poem but I love that description of her smile anyway.
alternation This took me a while to get used to in this spot, too clever, and rhyming to boot. I think it would make a great title. I'm not sure if my initial hesitancy matters or not.
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
I hope this helps a bit, almost there for me. Sound editing. 
Oh, I forgot, I missed that I want "before the next fright".
Posts: 1,271
Threads: 260
Joined: Nov 2015
edit3;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
Trying to apply the latest critique. S3 has grown again, but actually simplified a little? Funny how "alternation" is one of those words that loses its meaning if you say it often enough.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2026
I really like the idea behind you're writing, and yet I leave in agreement with the critiques in previous replies. Welldone!
Posts: 1,416
Threads: 223
Joined: Dec 2016
(02-21-2026, 06:20 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit3;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that warm swift moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
knowing only that she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t
not damnation
since neither deserved
nor endless
Trying to apply the latest critique. S3 has grown again, but actually simplified a little? Funny how "alternation" is one of those words that loses its meaning if you say it often enough.
You have been putting in work on this one and it shows. To my taste it is quite a bit better. L3 - that warm swift moment - is still a bit flat and your overdependence on passive voice (particularly L's 2, 8) The last strophe reads syntactically awkward. You are avoiding punctuation so that isn't a solution but maybe changing the word order would help.
Other than that, I enjoyed it.
Thanks
Posts: 1,271
Threads: 260
Joined: Nov 2015
edit4;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that brightened moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
as she finds she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t
this is not damnation
since it’s neither endless
nor deserved
Thanks to both recent critics - encouragement appreciated.
@milo - Yes, it's starting to smell a bit of the lamp. I've reduced the sentence fragments, made other changes and reversed the order in the last stanza - seems to flow better and, really, either word is the start of a new idea. Is unfairness a better place to leave it than with the promise of surcease?
Gently defending passives: this is just happening to both the subject and the narrator; neither of them can do anything about the situation. Hard to make it active when the most either does is smile, grimace, or start to move without completing the gesture.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,416
Threads: 223
Joined: Dec 2016
(02-22-2026, 07:51 AM)dukealien Wrote: edit4;
she smiles
and feeling so relieved for her
in that brightened moment
I start to cry except
it’s gone before my tears can well
then returning terror locks
her features tight
as she finds she cannot
understand or put a name
to anything she sees
smile lights again
dove-like
I want to turn away
before the next fright
in this cursed alternation
but I can’t
this is not damnation
since it’s neither endless
nor deserved
Thanks to both recent critics - encouragement appreciated.
@milo - Yes, it's starting to smell a bit of the lamp. I've reduced the sentence fragments, made other changes and reversed the order in the last stanza - seems to flow better and, really, either word is the start of a new idea. Is unfairness a better place to leave it than with the promise of surcease?
Gently defending passives: this is just happening to both the subject and the narrator; neither of them can do anything about the situation. Hard to make it active when the most either does is smile, grimace, or start to move without completing the gesture.
just a quick note: that is an interesting take on passive voice, I am going to think on it a bit. Would passive voice be better for this considering the central metaphor is a sense of helplessness? I am not sure. My inherent dislike of passive voice in poetry may have caused a knee jerk reaction. I am going to think on this for a bit.
Thanks
|
