Faint recollections flick the air and land for just a moment, lightly touching down. They skim the surface never breaking through, each spindly appendage splayed and poised to bounce, A glimmer caught, a prismed wing careening through the sparkling glare to cut a path across the sun. They disappear, evaporating in a funneled shaft that should illuminate, instead it blinds; immersed in light no difference discerned between forgotten past and what just is.
Dragonfly’s Reunion Edit 1(bryn, milo)
Faint recollections flick the air and land for just a moment, lightly touching down. They skim the surface never breaking through, each spindly appendage splayed and poised to bounce, A glimmer caught, a prismed wing careening through the sparkling glare to cut a path across the sun. They disappear, evaporating in the gleam of beams diffused in funneled spotlight's shaft that should illuminate, instead it blinds; immersed in light no difference discerned between forgotten past and what just is.
Dragonfly’s Reunion
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
Hey,
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I think it reads well and you have several great enjambments, particularly ....air and land/for just.... I am not 100% sure what is going on, but I interpret it as someone at a family reunion metaphored into the flight of a dragonfly almost like a dream sequence. Either way it is fun to read and has lots of nice language. One weakness is an over use of filler words, such as that, and, etc. Particularly near the end where two adjacent lines begin with 'that'. I think with some thought of how to use surrounding verbs better could let you remove many of them without ruining your meter. Finally, I like the slant rhyme between lives and is in the last two lines, but I wanted the last line to end with 'was'.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
Hey,
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I think it reads well and you have several great enjambments, particularly ....air and land/for just.... I am not 100% sure what is going on, but I interpret it as someone at a family reunion metaphored into the flight of a dragonfly almost like a dream sequence. Either way it is fun to read and has lots of nice language. One weakness is an over use of filler words, such as that, and, etc. Particularly near the end where two adjacent lines begin with 'that'. I think with some thought of how to use surrounding verbs better could let you remove many of them without ruining your meter. Finally, I like the slant rhyme between lives and is in the last two lines, but I wanted the last line to end with 'was'.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn
Thanks so much for reading and for your generous comments. I'll certainly go over it and try to minimize the filler words, I've found myself sacrificing more complex words when I'm unsure if they fit the meter, not a good habit to develop. I'm hoping to find a way to edit for more clarity, really appreciate your view.
Here we have a poem comparing memories (or forgetfulness) to a dragonfly skimming over a pond. It is a great metaphor.As for the title, I am unsure about "reunion". On the plus side, I think it helped me understand the poem more. On the minus side it came across a little campy when I was just reading the title - probably just me though
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
"sea of . . . face" is both wrong and cliche -
"memories flick the air and land" - this is a big question mark for me. I get that we need the concept of memories here, I just am very uncertain about the anthropomorphication. Also - that isn't just filler in this case it is disconnection. Rolling wave of memories flick - not "that flick"
Quote:the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
So, here we have the solidification of how memories can fade but then also of how we can become blind to them. Another "that" though not as egregious.
Quote:Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
I actually love the metaphor here and I think you are on the right path. I am not sure if it is necessarily memories or relationships or memories of relationships because I think it works for all 3 - reunion makes me think relationships.
I think a lot of it needs revision. Specifically for passive voice, padding and awkwardness as well as to try to spin some turns of phrase. I do think it is worth the effort though - you have something very interesting here and the metaphor could certainly be very effective.
Here we have a poem comparing memories (or forgetfulness) to a dragonfly skimming over a pond. It is a great metaphor.As for the title, I am unsure about "reunion". On the plus side, I think it helped me understand the poem more. On the minus side it came across a little campy when I was just reading the title - probably just me though
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
"sea of . . . face" is both wrong and cliche -
"memories flick the air and land" - this is a big question mark for me. I get that we need the concept of memories here, I just am very uncertain about the anthropomorphication. Also - that isn't just filler in this case it is disconnection. Rolling wave of memories flick - not "that flick"
Quote:the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
So, here we have the solidification of how memories can fade but then also of how we can become blind to them. Another "that" though not as egregious.
Quote:Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
I actually love the metaphor here and I think you are on the right path. I am not sure if it is necessarily memories or relationships or memories of relationships because I think it works for all 3 - reunion makes me think relationships.
I think a lot of it needs revision. Specifically for passive voice, padding and awkwardness as well as to try to spin some turns of phrase. I do think it is worth the effort though - you have something very interesting here and the metaphor could certainly be very effective.
Thanks for posting
Yay! a metaphor with a fighting chance. I'm glad I put it up early for help with the focus and I'd rather work on it with the Pen than alone. I'll certainly take your comments to heart as I edit.
One question: The passive voice. I started with I then switched to she to soften it, do you think it would work better to cut the human view altogether?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
Here we have a poem comparing memories (or forgetfulness) to a dragonfly skimming over a pond. It is a great metaphor.As for the title, I am unsure about "reunion". On the plus side, I think it helped me understand the poem more. On the minus side it came across a little campy when I was just reading the title - probably just me though
A sea of once familiar faces merge
as she attempts to ride the rolling wave
of memories that flick the air and land
for just a moment. Spindly legs that skim
"sea of . . . face" is both wrong and cliche -
"memories flick the air and land" - this is a big question mark for me. I get that we need the concept of memories here, I just am very uncertain about the anthropomorphication. Also - that isn't just filler in this case it is disconnection. Rolling wave of memories flick - not "that flick"
Quote:the surface fold and quickly bounce to skip
away beyond her view, a glimmer caught,
the sparkle of a prismed wing that flies
a path across the sun to disappear.
So, here we have the solidification of how memories can fade but then also of how we can become blind to them. Another "that" though not as egregious.
Quote:Evaporated in the glare of beams
that spread the funneled spotlight's glow
that should illuminate, instead they blind
her now, no difference between what lives
and what became the blur of what just is.
(All critiques, mild through intensive, gratefully encouraged.)
I actually love the metaphor here and I think you are on the right path. I am not sure if it is necessarily memories or relationships or memories of relationships because I think it works for all 3 - reunion makes me think relationships.
I think a lot of it needs revision. Specifically for passive voice, padding and awkwardness as well as to try to spin some turns of phrase. I do think it is worth the effort though - you have something very interesting here and the metaphor could certainly be very effective.
Thanks for posting
Yay! a metaphor with a fighting chance. I'm glad I put it up early for help with the focus and I'd rather work on it with the Pen than alone. I'll certainly take your comments to heart as I edit.
One question: The passive voice. I started with I then switched to she to soften it, do you think it would work better to cut the human view altogether?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I am not sure - when I speak of passive voice I mean phrases like:
"memories that flick the air" instead of "memories flick the air"
"spindly legs that skim the surface" instead of "spindly legs skim . ."
"to skip"
"wing that flies"
"to disappear"
"that spread"
"that should illminate"
Here we have a poem comparing memories (or forgetfulness) to a dragonfly skimming over a pond. It is a great metaphor.As for the title, I am unsure about "reunion". On the plus side, I think it helped me understand the poem more. On the minus side it came across a little campy when I was just reading the title - probably just me though
"sea of . . . face" is both wrong and cliche -
"memories flick the air and land" - this is a big question mark for me. I get that we need the concept of memories here, I just am very uncertain about the anthropomorphication. Also - that isn't just filler in this case it is disconnection. Rolling wave of memories flick - not "that flick"
So, here we have the solidification of how memories can fade but then also of how we can become blind to them. Another "that" though not as egregious.
I actually love the metaphor here and I think you are on the right path. I am not sure if it is necessarily memories or relationships or memories of relationships because I think it works for all 3 - reunion makes me think relationships.
I think a lot of it needs revision. Specifically for passive voice, padding and awkwardness as well as to try to spin some turns of phrase. I do think it is worth the effort though - you have something very interesting here and the metaphor could certainly be very effective.
Thanks for posting
Yay! a metaphor with a fighting chance. I'm glad I put it up early for help with the focus and I'd rather work on it with the Pen than alone. I'll certainly take your comments to heart as I edit.
One question: The passive voice. I started with I then switched to she to soften it, do you think it would work better to cut the human view altogether?
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment.
I am not sure - when I speak of passive voice I mean phrases like:
"memories that flick the air" instead of "memories flick the air"
"spindly legs that skim the surface" instead of "spindly legs skim . ."
"to skip"
"wing that flies"
"to disappear"
"that spread"
"that should illminate"
etc. . .
Thanks so much for the explanation, I'm rusty. Only the "should" has meaning to me, glad I asked.
