Hello and thanks for posting!
You have written a poem here about a sibling jealousy and perhaps the home environment that allows it to fester into a long term trauma. The title is good, draws the reader in as well as introduces the metaphor.
(9 hours ago)Fruitiper Wrote: lollipop on the ground
my brother cries –
"not what i want"
You start with an image and a metaphor and that is good. Simple language, easily communicated. A common enough scenario - nothing stands out but no real issues. i would strongly suggest trying to swap the quotes for italics just for the aesthetics. It is a good use of lollipop - suggest age. Would be interesting if you switched it for "sucker" later.
Quote:my mom giving a sigh
gently pushing him back in the shop
a little girl 10 years ago
crying on the kitchen floor
looked to her father
(never a dad)
no running this time
prepare to cry
So, I would just eliminate the (never a dad) entirely. Let your narrative do the talking, don't explain to the reader. If i know a man is beating his young daughter with a belt, that says way more to me that your explanation. You also have some tense issues that run throughout the whole poem. You might want to pick a tense and stick with it or at least diagram it out. I also think you can trim 10 years ago - since we don't know when "now" is, it doesn't really help much. "prepare to cry" sounds weak - I wonder if you can come up with a way to say it stronger and maybe add some double meaning or metaphor here.
Quote:he grabs the belt
and the years go by
i stare at my brother
with his now ice cream cone
i want to grab it
and eat it alone
my mom is complaining
"we barely get by"
i stare at the ice cream
and years go by
I think 1 statement of "and years go by" is probably enough. It is an interesting poem and you have a lot to work with. The language is clear, the narrative is easy enough to follow.
Thanks
