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Four Quintillion Blows
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent wastes.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking ninja spin-stars,
glassy flakes in drifts of tricks.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks with no mat.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: I’ll stay home.
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,373
Threads: 218
Joined: Dec 2016
(Yesterday, 01:07 AM)dukealien Wrote: Four Quintillion Blows
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent wastes.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking, light as feathers,
crystal flakes for blurring hours.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks with no mat.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: I’ll stay home.
So, I am going to return in a bit but I wanted to get a quick callout first to see what you think of it:
Because of the music of the piece - I think it would sound so much better if the last line of each quatrain rhymed with each other.
I will return . . .
Posts: 29
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2026
Hi, duke, I enjoy this every time, a reminder there is always another way to say something. I like the partial rhyme, flattens out the end of each strophe in a way sparks my interest. A few notes:
(Yesterday, 01:07 AM)dukealien Wrote: Four Quintillion Blows
Strong title, catches my attention.
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent wastes.
Strong, interesting images
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking, light as feathers,
crystal flakes for blurring hours.
I like interlocking but otherwise so simple compared to S1, i"m guessing you have some reason for "light as a feather" but it hasn't come to me.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks with no mat.
again, strong and novel image
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: I’ll stay home.
"One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–"
The most enjoyable lines I've said in a long time, thanks for that.
Thanks for posting it.
Posts: 1,246
Threads: 256
Joined: Nov 2015
edit1;
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent wastes.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking ninja spin-stars,
glassy flakes in drifts of tricks.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks with no mat.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: I’ll stay home.
Hearty thanks to both critics. @wasellajam pointed to weakness of S.2, which I have attempted remedy with possibly excessive invention. The revision does at least solve the meter problem of "hours" being read as two syllables in some dialects.
For @milo, I tried when first writing this to do as you suggest (making the third and fourth lines a rhymed couplet) but found I was already forcing it just in the first stanza. Instead, the missing beat at the end of the fourth line (there's a name for that, isn't there?) suggests an unexpected discontinuity... such as one's keister impacting the ground after a slip. Or at least tries to.
Incidentally, we're up to eight quintillion today, where I live. My birdbath looks like a very large white-frosted coconut cake on a display stand.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 1,373
Threads: 218
Joined: Dec 2016
(6 hours ago)dukealien Wrote: For @milo, I tried when first writing this to do as you suggest (making the third and fourth lines a rhymed couplet) but found I was already forcing it just in the first stanza. Instead, the missing beat at the end of the fourth line (there's a name for that, isn't there?) suggests an unexpected discontinuity... such as one's keister impacting the ground after a slip. Or at least tries to.
Incidentally, we're up to eight quintillion today, where I live. My birdbath looks like a very large white-frosted coconut cake on a display stand.
actually, I probably explained it poorly, I wasn't suggesting couplets but rather a last line interweave, see (for demonstratino purposes not a suggestion)
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent loams.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking ninja spin-stars,
glassy flakes on garden gnomes.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks shaped like domes.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: lets relish homes.
(note: skipped beat in the beginning is anacrusis, in the middle is catalexis)
((give me another couple passes to offer real feedback))
Posts: 29
Threads: 8
Joined: Jan 2026
(6 hours ago)dukealien Wrote: edit1;
Microscopic hammers falling
make no dent, leave us recalling
carpet-bombing rearranging
landscapes into silent wastes.
Blanketed and suffocated
under white, anticipated,
interlocking ninja spin-stars,
glassy flakes in drifts of tricks.
Like a judo master throwing
his opponent, all this snowing
uses our own speed to smash us
into sidewalks with no mat.
One quintillion satin hammers–
pretty, pratfall coccyx-slammers–
make one inch of peaceful snowfall
bright in sunlight: I’ll stay home.
Hearty thanks to both critics. @wasellajam pointed to weakness of S.2, which I have attempted remedy with possibly excessive invention. The revision does at least solve the meter problem of "hours" being read as two syllables in some dialects.
For @milo, I tried when first writing this to do as you suggest (making the third and fourth lines a rhymed couplet) but found I was already forcing it just in the first stanza. Instead, the missing beat at the end of the fourth line (there's a name for that, isn't there?) suggests an unexpected discontinuity... such as one's keister impacting the ground after a slip. Or at least tries to.
Incidentally, we're up to eight quintillion today, where I live. My birdbath looks like a very large white-frosted coconut cake on a display stand.
Yay for ninja spin-stars, suites the poem. I have a table on my deck that does that, I sit on the couch and watch it rise.
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