Window to the Universe

[Medslijun]

Why am I here?
What is my purpose
In a universe
So big
Its presence
Forces me to my knees
 
I sit in a field
Where the wind
Murmurs in the grass
And the birds laugh
And the trees applaud,
All of them
A patient audience
As I question my place
In this world;
They don’t pry
 
After a while
I look up
And the stars cry out in the silent night
And ask me to listen
 
They say
The beauty of the universe
Would pass quietly by
Without me.
They tell me
That I was one of them
Long ago
 
I see my reflection
In them
As I look up,
My eyes windows
Illuminating my heart
With the moon’s light
 
And I cry
Because they are right
 
And the heavens
Cry with me
In their own way
 
I think
 
But I don’t cry
For too long
And how could I
Because when I look around
The universe takes away
My breath
Once again.

[wasellajam]

Hi and welcome, some notes:

Why am I here?
What is my purpose
In a universe
So big
Its presence
Forces me to my knees
Starting with the questions seems weak, more tell than show.
 
I sit in a field
Where the wind
Murmurs in the grass Possibly through instead of in
And the birds laugh
And the trees applaud, What does "and the" add?
All of them
A patient audience
As I question my place
In this world; You might think of a more original way to say this.
They don’t pry
 
After a while What does this add, how did that time feel?
I look up
And the stars cry out in the silent night
And ask me to listen
 
They say
The beauty of the universe
Would pass quietly by
Without me.
They tell me
That I was one of them
Long ago
It's hard to reconcile the weight of once being a star with the nonexistence before it.
 
I see my reflection
In them
As I look up, Reflection feels off.
My eyes windows cliche
Illuminating my heart
With the moon’s light
 
And I cry
Because they are right Right about you once being a star or that of course the world would go on without you?
 
And the heavens
Cry with me
In their own way
 
I think ???
 
But I don’t cry
For too long
And how could I
Because when I look around
The universe takes away
My breath
Once again.

For me, there was a lot of just telling me instead of creating images that made me feel what the Narrator was feeling.
Two general points: Does the capitalization of every line add anything? The punctuation is erratic, you might try adding full punctuation or removing it all and see what you think. Hope this helps, thanks for posting.

[CharlieT]

Hey, how's it going. I'm pretty new to actually writing poetry, so I thought what might be helpful is sharing what I felt and thought as I read, so you can see if you've had the desired effect  I hope that is helpful!


Title: It's a big ol' concept, it sets a grand tone within something quite cute like a window. I've certainly heard the term before but I like that, I feel like I'm going into this poem knowing something which is interesting considering...well, the universe.

Why am I here?                 This confirmed my expectations from the title: something existential but from a personal perspective, given by the "window"
What is my purpose
In a universe
So big                                I felt this line had particular impact on the first read given its short length. On later reads I found it kind of humorous, in a way.
Its presence
Forces me to my knees      "Forces" caught my eye. This is where I felt a layer to the poem different to that implied in the title. The personification, for me, set up a power dynamic which                                               made it a bit more personal. I'm unsure if no punctuation here was intentional, but I thought it was interesting as given this stanza is essentially reiterating                                                   the same question posed in line 1, there is somehow less certainty in the tone with no punctuation.
 
I sit in a field
Where the wind
Murmurs in the grass
And the birds laugh           I got a cruel vibe off the birds laughing. Perhaps also worth noting that the earlier lack of punctuation in S1 did highlight the lack at the start of this one. Not                                               that this is bad necessarily, just it drew away my attention on the first read for me. Sorry to harp on about that, esp. if it's a mistake lol. Just my reading.
And the trees applaud,
All of them                         I enjoyed the phrasing of this "audience". Introducing yourself as the actor first solidified the personal feel. 
A patient audience
As I question my place
In this world;                       Repeating the struggle really suggested to me how deep the turmoil is. To me this repetition suggested the narrator is completely lost, with no idea how to                                                       breakdown such a big question.
They don’t pry                     This was leading, but also tone-shifting. If the "audience" was part of the universe then their lack of opression as told earlier is different, but not                                                                 contrasting. To me this portrayed the narrator as less self-centered and more introspective. There seems less relationship between universe and narrator.                                                              The power of the universe is there to be observed; I felt this fit well with the title.
 
After a while                      After several readings, this line felt pivotal to me. This is where the narrator interacts and draws particular attention from their surroundings as opposed to                                                 being completely subject to the elements. Given this, I thought the idea that this took time was interesting to me as a reader.
I look up
And the stars cry out in the silent night
And ask me to listen                                 This felt much more interpersonal, as if the universe is now an interlocutor. Perhaps this was the case to begin with, and knowing this is coming                                                                      did change my later readings.
 
They say
The beauty of the universe
Would pass quietly by
Without me.
They tell me                                          This is nice substance wise. It feels like this person is becoming more a part of the universe rather than observer. 
That I was one of them
Long ago
 
I see my reflection
In them
As I look up,
My eyes windows                                     Interesting on the first read especially. The heart is the observer. It's a nice twist on the title, I think.
Illuminating my heart                               This is a pretty beautiful line. Where you might say this poem hits some cliches, personally this part felt quite original and imaginative
With the moon’s light                               
 
And I cry                                                 There is something interesting going on with observing and the observing tool in this poem. Whether audience, windows, or eyes, or a mix. The                                                                         idea of crying paints an interesting image given the metaphor of the eyes being windows. As if it is getting blurry.
Because they are right
 
And the heavens
Cry with me
In their own way
 
I think                                             I liked this uncertainty in the poem. It adds to the feeling of humility and having it as an isolated line made it feel very retrospective.
 
But I don’t cry                                Even on the first read, this line break stuck out as it adds to the narrative revision. I cry, they cry, but I don't cry. I like the uncertainty
For too long
And how could I
Because when I look around
The universe takes away
My breath
Once again.                               Affirmed the overwhelmed feeling of the poem. Not an unexpected end, but I didn't feel it was weak. It was rather emotionally satisfying and exhaustive,                                                       in a good way.

Overall, as a reader I enjoyed the middle and end the most. As you can see I'm quite obsessed with windows XD. As a reader that was the big interesting part to me, I think because this is a relatable, much-done topic but some of the imagery was thought-provoking. Especially on re-reads. I will confess on the first read I was not sure, which I hope you don't take too critically, just my first impression which I hope is helpful. It was very rewarding on re-reads.

I hope this was remotely helpful  Again this was just my feelings and thoughts as a reader. I enjoyed reading and analysing and thinking about windows too much haha, it felt like there was a good bit there to think about.

Thanks!

[Magpie]

Hi, it's a big concept that you've taken on here. 
First suggestion would be to consider a title change, the current title is more of a summary of the whole poem. Try a title that adds to the poem.

Why am I here?  -- these first two lines have echoes of the Catholic catechism. Who made me? Why did God make me? 
Intentional? 
What is my purpose
In a universe
So big
Its presence
Forces me to my knees   -- This first stanza is vague and not really necessary in my opinion. The possible catechism allusion and 'forces me to my knees'  could be seen as religious which is not evident in the rest of the poem.
 
I sit in a field,   -- This could be your first stanza
Where the wind  -- you could be more minimal here and cut some words
Murmurs in the grass
And the birds laugh
And the trees applaud, -- birds laughing and trees applauding are abstract images and I think concrete imagery would serve your purpose better for this stanza
All of them
A patient audience
As I question my place
In this world;
They don’t pry
 
After a while
I look up
And the stars cry out in the silent night -- do stars really cry out?
And ask me to listen  -- Think of a way that this can be conveyed in a concrete way. The concept of seeing beauty like the stars and having a moment of self realisation is definite. Do stars however cry out and ask you to listen?
 
They say  -- who? this line adds nothing... ahh the stars, I get it now
The beauty of the universe
Would pass quietly by
Without me.  -- these three lines could be seen as the crux of the poem.
They tell me
That I was one of them
Long ago -- this also is important to the poem. but probably the idea that we were once stardust and not actual stars
 
I see my reflection -- different word choice to reflection 'origins' 'beginnings' ??
In them
As I look up,
My eyes windows -- yeah kind of cliché
Illuminating my heart -- illuminating tying in with stars
With the moon’s light -- the moon is a distraction here considering all the star references
 
And I cry
Because they are right
 
And the heavens
Cry with me
In their own way
 
I think   -- not sure ??
 
But I don’t cry
For too long
And how could I
Because when I look around
The universe takes away
My breath
Once again.

Like I said this is a big concept to take on. More imagery would help to convey your meaning. The 'field' stanza seems the most poetic and a good springboard for more relevant imagery.

Cheers for the read.

[Mic]

Why am I here? 
What is my purpose
In a universe
So big
Its presence
Forces me to my knees
 -> starting with questions is very difficult because it promises that the rest of the poem will answer that question in a satisfying way, and moreimportantly that the poem will answer it better than the reader does. I think the second stanza has a more interesting point of entry to the world

I sit in a field
Where the wind
Murmurs in the grass  -> why the choice to personify wind, birds and trees? They get progressively closer to the ground (and the speaker), with wind being the highest and trees being the lowest, but otherwise they seem disconnected. The formatting also adds to that, with birds and trees being in the same place in their lines relatively, but wind being at the end of a line with a line in between the other two.
And the birds laugh
And the trees applaud, -> what is the reasoning behind the choice of emotion for each thing to portray? Why are they reacting to the speaker like that? 
All of them
A patient audience  -> what do they get out of watching the speaker? Do they enjoy it? are they waiting for the speaker to realise something? 
As I question my place -> what are they questioning? what made them feel like they had to question their place? what are they wanting the answer to be? what do they need the answer to be?
In this world;
They don’t pry
 
After a while
I look up
And the stars cry out in the silent night -> cry implies desperation, but the rest of the poem doesnt imply the stars are desperate
And ask me to listen
 
They say
The beauty of the universe
Would pass quietly by
Without me. -> might have been more impactful if the speaker came to this realisation on their own. It's a very introspective thought
They tell me
That I was one of them
Long ago
 -> what does that change for the speaker? Does it change how they view themselves? will they act differently moving forward, having learned this? Why is this revelation significant?
 
I see my reflection
In them
As I look up,
My eyes windows -> implies something looking to the speaker when the speaker has the primary active role
Illuminating my heart -> not sure how windows can illuminate something
With the moon’s light -> the speaker was talking to the stars
 
And I cry
Because they are right
 
And the heavens
Cry with me -> i like the synchronisation with the universe
In their own way
 
I think
 
But I don’t cry
For too long
And how could I
Because when I look around
The universe takes away
My breath
Once again.  -> the universe makes them cry, then makes them stop crying? Seems cyclical. Or like an abusive/lovebombing relationship

 
I'm pretty nitpicky here but I really enjoyed the poem. It was a good read - it had a lot of great ideas that I think could use some expansion and focus. Its a very abstract concept. I think a more concretely human perspective could help bring it nuance, like exploring what the relationship the speaker has with the universe, or if we knew more about the speaker and their world view, how the experience changed them. Maybe making the emotions the speaker experiences more vivid - it's an emotional experience, and it's hard to feel what the speaker is feeling with them with the current word choices. 

Excited to see how it develops!

Cheers,
Mic