The Luminous Other

[whisperer]

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire,
And smoulders gently under this disguise.
The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

[busker]

She glows like embers in a sunset’s fire, … ‘Embers of” would be a simile of a valid (though avoidable) metaphor.  

And smoulders gently under this disguise. … what disguise? We were on a simile of a metaphor. Italicised: cliche

The stars align to dress the night’s attire,
And sparkle like the gems in her eyes.

We dance in moonlight, her love by my side. 
Her words like honey, warm as her embrace. 
And swelling like the rising of a tide. 
To spend the night upon her peaceful face. 

How do I tell her that I come alive?
How do I show her the Cupid’s arrow?
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Her potion flows through every hidden chamber.
I am the question. She is the answer.

I am aware of the lines that are a little off metrically. That was intentional.

Hi whisperer - the poem is hard to understand because you’re trying too hard to make the lines rhyme and in the process, you’re getting lost in all sorts of similes, metaphors, and filler words.

Take:
If words of mine should fail and not arrive,
How do I hold her heart back from sorrow?

Assuming that the speaker is either a ghost or a vampire, or just a lover with MPD (“her love by my side”), why would the subject be sorrowful if the speaker’s words don’t arrive? She seems to be doing well, smouldering.

One example of getting lost in the simile has been pointed out in the text.

I like the idea of trying ti write a poem with traditional rhyme and metre, but the content needs to be thought through