The Misfire

[thewilderhen]

The Misfire

I think about the way you laugh,
not this neon bracelet.
A nurse says to someone passing the open door
it’s a front line Friday again.
I look out the window. I see the university
so well-lit it could have a racing track, too
invisible cars going around.

I think about the way you laugh,
not the university.
Years ago my English professor
asked me what Stein meant when she
called front line soldiers dough-boys,
if it was her way of looking at sex. I said no,
happy to play lesbian translator. She says dough-boys
like a pity: they’re only men, no
meat on the hips like the rest of us.

I think about the way you laugh,
then I move to the top floor. 
Here they’ll take away paperwork
like it’s a blue book, they put unknown
for the rest and it’s accurate.

When you’re asked what you want
you feel the stringy pause
after you say I’d like to know what’s going
on, a diagnosis.

They’ll say, you grew up in a war zone 
your stress has softened your head.
You pity them. They’re only men, explaining
what it’s like to be made of dough.

___________________________________

This is very much a draft, and I feel the meaning is unclear. What is your interpretation, dear reader?

[tweetywrites]

I interpret it as a disconnect between what the speaker knows emotionally and what institutions can articulate. There's no way to convey emotions and stories to academic or medical frameworks without losing meaning. May I ask what your intended meaning was?

[Johicopter]

The Misfire

I think about the way you laugh,
not this neon bracelet.   Is the narrator wearing the neon bracelet or visiting the subject who has the bracelet?
A nurse says to someone passing the open door
it’s a front line Friday again.
I look out the window. I see the university
so well-lit it could have a racing track, too
invisible cars going around.

I think about the way you laugh, 
not the university.
Years ago my English professor
asked me what Stein meant when she
called front line soldiers dough-boys,   I love the repetition of "front line" from the previous stanza. It suggests a subconscious thought process guiding the narrator.
if it was her way of looking at sex. I said no,
happy to play lesbian translator. She says dough-boys   It took me a second read-over to understand that this is the narrator's interpretation of "dough-boys". At first, when I read "She says dough-boys", I assumed it was the English professor doing the saying, not Stein as interpreted by the narrator.
like a pity: they’re only men, no
meat on the hips like the rest of us.

I find it very interesting the narrator says they think about the subject's laughter and not the university, but then go off on a tangent about a university memory. I expected at some point the narrator to describe the "way you laugh" but it is noticeably absent...

I think about the way you laugh,
then I move to the top floor.   Again "move" is ambiguous. Is this a visit or a patient relocation?
Here they’ll take away paperwork
like it’s a blue book, they put unknown   Love the blue book detail. Hate blue books themselves, lol.
for the rest and it’s accurate.

When you’re asked what you want   This stanza tripped me up. It took me awhile to understand who "you" was. Who is doing the asking?
you feel the stringy pause
after you say I’d like to know what’s going
on, a diagnosis.

They’ll say, you grew up in a war zone 
your stress has softened your head.   Because quotations are not punctuated in this poem, "you" is again ambiguous here. It could be the same "you" from the first line or a quotation directed towards the narrator.
You pity them. They’re only men, explaining
what it’s like to be made of dough.   Very interesting callback and final line. Because dough is associated with male-ness and some kind of lacking, it seems the illness being faced is either trauma-related or the men are projecting their "dough-ness" onto the patient.
___________________________________

This is very much a draft, and I feel the meaning is unclear. What is your interpretation, dear reader?

I really liked this poem. The level of detail is great and I especially appreciate how you can kind of follow the narrator's subconscious train of thought.

I find it difficult to be left with a solid interpretation because, after really reading through the poem multiple times, I still don't know who is unwell. As far as I can tell, there's nothing that definitively indicates whether it is the narrator or the subject, which left me feeling a little like I'd missed something (which I might have), although I am leaning slightly towards it being the subject who is sick. I think a lot of the ambiguity could be cleared up with a little punctuation, word choice, and use of active instead of passive voice.

My interpretation is that someone is in a hospital for a trauma/mental illness-related ailment. The narrator and subject seem to be repeatedly dealing with people (men) who project their own meanings onto others. War is also associated with some kind of weakness, whether it is soldiers lacking meat on the hips (and possibly subtextually the less-violent maturity of womanhood), a "softened" head, or the title of the poem itself.

If I may offer some structural feedback beyond my interpretation, I think that this poem is stronger than the "I think about the way you laugh" line. I feel that the poem is organized by a fairly followable train of thought, and doesn't need the repeated line to organize it. I also think the repetition sets up a payoff that never happens. I expected some lines describing the laugh, or at least some callback to the line in the final stanza, but that doesn't happen. Instead, the dough-boys line is the payoff of the poem, and I feel it is much stronger and more unique. "I think about the way you laugh" may have been central to how you conceptualized the poem, but I think the poem no longer needs it.

Despite all these comments, I really, really enjoyed this poem. One of my favorites I've read on here so far.