Breathless

[tweetywrites]

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,
the dry heave of dwindling rivers
barren skies denying thirsty fields,
tides choking on tons of plastic.
We hold our breath beneath fluorescent skies,
Afraid to inhale,
Afraid to taste the air we made.

The city’s restless release through rattling vents.
The forest’s lungs, suffocated by the exhaust of traffic.
Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.

Winds of changes cough quietly,
Clouds swell with smoke.
We hold our breath,
Calling it progress.

The trade winds are shifting,
hauling our fear like cargo.

We sweat and work but still
we fail to act as the heat
presses its palm against the earth.

Monsoons roar through drowned streets,
Breathing too fast, then not at all.
Hurricanes asphyxiate violently:
breathing slower, deeper, exhales of destruction.
Tornadoes twist away from their habitual alleys
touching down on new terrain

Somewhere between
the forest’s inhale and the
the city’s exhale, we live on.

Hi everyone, this is the first poem that I'm posting on here, and I'd appreciate any feedback. I wrote this for a school assignment, and I hope to grow beyond in-school writing (: Thanks for reading everyone!

[thewilderhen]

I like how you weave back and forth between earth and the experience of living on it. I wonder what would happen if you removed all adjectives and adverbs, then see which ones bear adding back in again. Sometimes these descriptive words can get in the way and lessen the impact. I hope you keep writing here. You have a good sense for narration in this poem.

[tweetywrites]

I like how you weave back and forth between earth and the experience of living on it. I wonder what would happen if you removed all adjectives and adverbs, then see which ones bear adding back in again. Sometimes these descriptive words can get in the way and lessen the impact. I hope you keep writing here. You have a good sense for narration in this poem.

Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback! Yes, I often notice that my poems tend to be on the wordy end, and that's a very interesting way to ensure my poem is more precise. Will do

[whisperer]

Humans vs. Nature. This battle has been raging for decades. It is refreshing to hear the fight continues. As for your piece; I love your comparative language. Giving natural events human attributes gives them more life and a personal feeling. "afraid to taste the air we made", " restless release through rattling vents", "Politicians’ passionate gusts swirling with oil-slicked promises.", "trade winds are shifting, hauling our fear like cargo.". These are powerful and give a lot of weight to your piece and I'm ok with their placements in the narrative. I would tighten up a few places, though. "tons of plastic", "exhaust of traffic."  aren't quite as strong. Can you find other adjectives and verbs to give these lines more punch? Your opening lines fall a bit weak too. This is such a powerful message that should start off with a stronger punch.

We are all paralyzed between inhale and exhale.                        We are frozen between breaths
I see it in how the world draws breath while we hold ours.          We hold our breath while the earth inhales

I see the overwhelmed swell of the wetlands after storms,          It's in the swell of the wetlands after a storm

Now that I see this, the second line is somewhat redundant as it's already inferred in the first line. But these are some editing ideas you can use to tighten up the language and give it more strength. This is a great piece, great language and comparisons and great flow. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing.