Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha

[NicLeb]

Inviting any and all critiques on how to improve this piece. New to critique and editing poems, but looking to learn as quick as I can. Thank you.


Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha
Upon this place do I look
Downward or from above
I cannot tell
 
I see pretty girls moving about
Men running to entertain
And others hidden under the table
 
I look around and about
Inwards or outwards
I cannot tell
 
I see bottles of wine
And the garden grapevines
The rain is red and everyone is dancing
 
I look at you
Standing there
Caressing the world with your eyes
 
The crowd parades past
As we stand in a different time
Impervious to their attention
 
So serene are you
As if you have found the secret
Hidden in the tree of the Buddha
 
You look at me
And your smile endears
Its soft tenderness binds me
 
Now I see the world
As you help me climb
Atop the happy fat man’s tree

[Potshots]

I enjoy how this made me feel which is why I wanted to comment. The imagery is engaging and I understand the sense of disassociation that you were going for from the surroundings between the two subjects. An ethereal encounter moving toward a facsimile of nirvana or enlightenment in its weight.

There’s a lot of active language which is great. The imagery is engaging. My greatest critique is not the style or thought, but the little things like some unnecessary words and clumsy phrasing that could make this actually a more fun and realized thought. For instance the first stanza tells us something, but it would be better if it added to the scene by showing us somehow that topsy turvy feeling of not knowing up from down. Juxtaposed with what comes after it just feels a bit like it needs more punch.

All around an enjoyable read and I’m glad you posted it!

[milo]

Hello

Love to see new members looking for feedback!

Inviting any and all critiques on how to improve this piece. New to critique and editing poems, but looking to learn as quick as I can. Thank you.


Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha
Upon this place do I look
Downward or from above
I cannot tell

The title imo is fantastic!

The diction here is kind of convoluted and I think you may be doing this to sound poetic, but I don't think it's necessary.

Upon literally means up on, is this what your narrator wants to say?

 
I see pretty girls moving about
Men running to entertain
And others hidden under the table
 
I look around and about
Inwards or outwards
I cannot tell
 
I see bottles of wine
And the garden grapevines
The rain is red and everyone is dancing
 
I look at you
Standing there
Caressing the world with your eyes

So, there is a problem with first person present tense narration and it definitely shows through here after multiple observations.  It starts to feel very fake and farcical to read someone narrating every move:

I am getting the bread.  I am putting it into the toaster.  I am cracking a beer.  I am buttering the toast.  I am drinking the beer.  all of the narrator uncertainty is starting to feel like a cinematic dream - 

am I looking down or up?

am I looking inwards or outwards.  We are relying on this narrator for fair reportage and they seem confused AF.

Caressing the world with your eyes feels either cliche or naff.

 
The crowd parades past
As we stand in a different time
Impervious to their attention
 
So serene are you
As if you have found the secret
Hidden in the tree of the Buddha

I am of the opinion that phrases like " so serene are you" should be avoided in poetry.  More naturally this would be "you are so serene".  This is still clunky - is there a metaphor or some way to compare the object to serenity rather than just saying it?

 
You look at me
And your smile endears
Its soft tenderness binds me

"endears" is definitely the wrong word here as it needs a direct object, did you men endures?  I am not sure

 
Now I see the world
As you help me climb
Atop the happy fat man’s tree

I don't know, it is a start but much of it seems to lack intent.  The author seems unsure so the narrator seems unsure.  

Thanks

[Roggen]

[quote="NicLeb" pid='276279' dateline='1765693235']
Inviting any and all critiques on how to improve this piece. New to critique and editing poems, but looking to learn as quick as I can. Thank you.


Smiles From the Tree of the Buddha 

something spiritual going on her. I like it.  

Upon this place do I look
Downward or from above
I cannot tell


I love this because it emphasizes a chaotic view of the speaker that I can really comprehend.

I see pretty girls moving about
Men running to entertain
And others hidden under the table


The last line makes me kind of curious what will happend next, while the first two didn't get me off the table.
 

I look around and about
Inwards or outwards
I cannot tell


seems still chaotic and confused, but why. 


I look at you
Standing there
Caressing the world with your eyes


this catches me, I'm interested in this mysterious person and what makes them special.


I'm sorry I can't write something for every stanza, because my time is currently limited.
but I really enjoyed the dreamy atmosphere and the image you provoke. But sometime the transtions beetwen the stanzas seem somewhat abprut.

thanks for sharing.

And maybe someone can explain to me how this qoute thing works.