grapefruit II

[PotatoFridges]

grapefruit II

i pour sugar on grapefruit
i don't like the bitter taste
the sweetness covers it up
but it's still there

with every mouthful
i add more sugar
once isn't enough
it's still bitter underneath

that's why i don't like grapefruit
so why do i still cling to you
open wide when offered
craving sucrose

your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me
but the aftertaste
lingers

when you leave again
i'm left eating peel
mouth full of pith
still wanting more

[dukealien]

grapefruit II  Interesting title - probably the second you've written with this name, but also maybe second try at this relationship?

i pour sugar on grapefruit  perhaps "spoon" rather than "pour" for the old-fashioned courting connotation?
i don't like the bitter taste  how about "its" instead of "the" - and a semicolon?
the sweetness covers it up  is "the" necessary here?  Or "up?"
but it's still there  maybe a change-up... "but still it's there?"

with every mouthful
i add more sugar this doesn't actually make sense... before each mouthful, maybe?
once isn't enough  perhaps semicolon here, and no "it's" on next line - brevity in anger
it's still bitter underneath 

that's why i don't like grapefruit  perhaps punctuation for a thoughtful pause here - em dash for a longer pause for reflection
so why do i still cling to you  another spot for punctuation - a comma to avoid making reader interpret "cling to you open wide"
open wide when offered  another break needed
craving sucrose  "sucrose" is a bit jarring, technical... is there a more emotional word for sweetness?

your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me  GOOD use of "the" here
but the aftertaste  but need an alternate here, even if it's just "your"
lingers  good use of languidly short line

when you leave again
i'm left eating peel  again, doesn't quite make sense - perhaps "tasting" rather than "eating"... and punctuation needed to avoid "peel mouth"
mouth full of pith  can't help giggling, hearing a lisp here.   Is there a better word for that cottony membrane that's left after you dig out the grapefruit wedges?  Another word for bitter, or even tasteless?
still wanting more  maybe "but" for "still" but basically, this is ok, so stet

In intensive critique, this is a simple metaphor well worked over.  The ee cummings absence of capitalization and punctuation is a defensible style, but (as noted above) a few punctuation marks could make the meaning clearer in places.

Note how limiting use of "the" can help.  For example, your "I'm left eating peel" would be weaker as "left eating the peel."  "The" can often - though not always - be improved by its removal or replacement with a more specific word.  In the hypothetical example, "left eating dry peel."

It's a fairly spare poem, but could still be improved by removing a few words.  On the whole, it impresses most with the absence of bitterness on the part of the speaker - he imputes it all to the beloved, but tolerates it (perhaps to the point of codependency).  Or the speaker may be working up to a breakup *he* initiates, for a change, but there's no evidence of that besides at least rhetorically admitting that he knows he's hooked.

So there are some potentially interesting cross-currents there.  In addition to cleaning up a few spots, you might be able to hint at what happens next in this relationship.

[thewilderhen]

i pour sugar on grapefruit
i don't like the bitter taste
the sweetness covers it up
but it's still there

________________

^^^Present tense gives a sense of immediacy or intimacy of this small moment, puts me in narrator's perspective. Nice. "the bitter taste" "the sweetness" - It's interesting you say "the" instead of "its" or any other referential word. An economical use of words to reflect a simple moment! Still, the use of "the" somehow complicates the first line. I begin to notice you're (I'm?) holding this small moment maybe at arm's length, detached.

You say "I don't like" which takes me a little bit out of this small moment. I'm taken from the close-up shot of pouring sugar to something that's a bit more exposition. I'm not sure my advice would be to "show and don't tell" here, because more descriptive words may break up moment as well. Maybe simply, "the sweetness covers up the bitter taste". Although, speaking of "covers [it] up": this is a bit paradoxical because you go on to refer to the bitter taste, saying it's still there. Maybe another phrase that can capture the feeling of "it's trying to do something, but failing", rather than "cover up"?

________________

with every mouthful
i add more sugar
once isn't enough
it's still bitter underneath

________________

^^^This brings me back into the moment. Nice. I notice it's repeating the sentiment expressed above. What would happen if you just kept the first line of your poem and added it to these lines? Would it still be intelligible to the reader, or would it be asking them to do too much work, to connect these ideas?

________________

that's why i don't like grapefruit
so why do i still cling to you
open wide when offered
craving sucrose

________________

^^^
First line is more moment-yanking exposition. Though I get it's necessary to introduce the idea that you don't *like* what you are doing, but you are doing it anyway.
Grapefruit -> connected to lover. "Cling" makes me think -- are you the sugar, and the lover the grapefruit? The way sugar might cling? Or is this pushing things in a "too obvious" direction? "Open wide when offered" > suggests passive consumption of lover, like passive eating of bitter grapefruit. Though when I started reading the "open wide" line, I took the first two words to be the start of a command: "Open wide, now". What happens if you rephrase to "I open wide"?

________________


your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me
but the aftertaste
lingers

________________

^^^ Similar to "covers up", "smothers" implies I think something more complete than what you're describing. Consider breaking up these lines in a different way. The isolation of "linger" seems a bit too obvious.

Edited quickly to add: now this is interesting! I didn’t catch this on my first few read-throughs. But is this meant to be something from your lover’s perspective? Or is it a messy/erroneous pronoun shift? Because in the beginning, the first-person entity is pouring the sugar. But now sweetness is being attributed to the lover - the lover is giving the first-person entity sweetness. I don’t know, but it’s sticking (haha) a bit in my head. Giving me some dissonance here.

________________


when you leave again
i'm left eating peel
mouth full of pith
still wanting more

________________

^^^ This is interesting, more mindless eating. It’s kind of arresting because no one would *eat * peel and pith, it’s not generally labeled as foodstuff.
________________

Overall: I like the (deceptively) simple wording. I want this to be more visceral. Keep it up, don’t be afraid to get a little weird.

[Johicopter]

grapefruit II

i pour sugar on grapefruit
i don't like the bitter taste I like the sparseness of the poem, but I feel you could do more showing than telling with "don't like".
the sweetness covers it up
but it's still there The "it"s in this stanza are missed opportunities to use visceral language and further characterize the bitter taste.

with every mouthful
i add more sugar
once isn't enough This seems a little redundant, maybe expand. How does it feel to be pouring the sugar? Do you eat grapefruit because you are hungry?
it's still bitter underneath

that's why i don't like grapefruit
so why do i still cling to you
open wide when offered This is great and cements the turn.
craving sucrose I like the word "sucrose" here. For me, the sound evokes a sense of bittersweetness.

your sweetness smothers
the hurt you gave me Hurt is depicted as something given, not eaten, so its hard to place where it fits in the flavor metaphor.
but the aftertaste
lingers

when you leave again
i'm left eating peel
mouth full of pith "Pith" is a great word here.
still wanting more

The key line in the poem: "so why do i still cling to you" kind of caught me off guard because it is buried under the "that's what i don't like grapefruit" line. If that was your intention, then well done. But if not, perhaps "i don't like grapefruit" could be the first line of the poem (or just cut entirely) and the line about clinging could open the third stanza, giving the reader a little space to breathe, if you will.