A Summoned Thought

[RichardBosten]

I wrote several poems over the last few days so here is another . I do not wish to over post so i will slow down the posting after this.
All the poems I have written mainly  follow ABCB  and sorta Iambic   rhytem .  It is sort of my default .  I am going to explore some different forms .


A Summoned Thought


I called upon a thought
To venture to my mind
A suit case packed with clarity
He boarded train on time

The conductor punched the ticket
Steaming whistle blew aloud
He settled for the travel
Lost among the crowd

I soon began to worry
"Too long has it been.
Where is the thought I summoned?
What has become of him? "

The door aside stood open
He stepped beyond uncaring
Winds blew about the car
Rebellious peers stood jeering

He jumped in darkest forest
He leapt beyond my reach
Ignored my call to visit
And so refused to teach

He gave no call or offer
Nor reason for his crime
An unkindness to his master
A slight upon my mind

Alas!

Stumbling from the forest
Nothing had he brought
Empty hands hung absently
The clarity I sought...

[jeffalot]

Thanks for sharing this -- I really enjoyed the train/thought concept.

I love the lines: Where is the thought I summoned?/What has become of him? These lines really work and stick in my head. 

The iambic rhythm works well for the train.

Suitcase (unless you were writing it 'suit case' for a reason?)

The line "He boarded train on time" doesn't work as well as it should - it sounds off, and I think it lets the rest of the stanza down.

"whistle blew aloud" - is awkward to me because saying a whistle blows "aloud" is kind of stating the obvious? Sorry if that's pedantic. Maybe "blew so loud"?

I would have "he settled in for travel".

Thanks again for sharing this -- it has given me an idea for a very iambic poem about train travel

[RichardBosten]

Thanks for sharing this -- I really enjoyed the train/thought concept.

I love the lines: Where is the thought I summoned?/What has become of him? These lines really work and stick in my head. 

The iambic rhythm works well for the train.

Suitcase (unless you were writing it 'suit case' for a reason?)

The line "He boarded train on time" doesn't work as well as it should - it sounds off, and I think it lets the rest of the stanza down.

"whistle blew aloud" - is awkward to me because saying a whistle blows "aloud" is kind of stating the obvious? Sorry if that's pedantic. Maybe "blew so loud"?

I would have "he settled in for travel".

Thanks again for sharing this -- it has given me an idea for a very iambic poem about train travel

Thank you for the feedback . Some of the things you mentioned i had noticed myself . Others i missed , suit  case  !! ughh,,,,
I enjoyed writing that one. A little whimsy is good  . I think a lot could be done with rhythmic variations regarding trains.
Just discovered Pantoum format. Iambic Pantoum would be nuts, and difficult. 
Thanks again !!!!!!! 
And happy writing.