Inside a Day

[RichardBosten]

I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass
The sands all passed away

I ask the stars to help me
To where the day has gone
Seven sisters answered me
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely it would answer fair
Waning in its brilliance
Had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
Was not a loss in kind
Day broken into pieces
Gathered by my mind

[dukealien]

I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass  suggests you got drunk
The sands all passed away  but it was an hourglass - nice turn.

I ask the stars to help me
To where the day has gone
Seven sisters answered me  is "me" necessary here?
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely it would answer fair reader must be prepared to read these two lines as one, for rhythm
Waning in its brilliance to parallel that rhythm, perhaps an added beat at the end of this line - 'her ... she'
Had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
Was not a loss in kind  not quite getting what "kind" means here
Day broken into pieces
Gathered by my mind

This is quite nice.  The basic meter is iambic, but you do not fear to vary line lengths in a pleasing way.  Complete absence of punctuation serves well:  the reader must puzzle out stresses and the associated phrasing, unaided by sentence structure (including capitalization).  Done consistently, this works.

My detail criticisms are interlinear above.  The last concerns me a little - there's a suspicion "kind" was chosen almost entirely to match your ABCB rhyme scheme.  I may be mistaken about that, and even if so, it shows either forward-looking word choice (good) or willingness to look back while writing instead of getting locked in (also good).  You avoid being trapped by ABAB rhyme scheme, also a plus.

The story told here seems a little diffuse, but that's fine:  it relates to dreams and mental processes, which are.

[RichardBosten]

I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass  suggests you got drunk
The sands all passed away  but it was an hourglass - nice turn.

I ask the stars to help me
To where the day has gone
Seven sisters answered me  is "me" necessary here?
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely it would answer fair reader must be prepared to read these two lines as one, for rhythm
Waning in its brilliance to parallel that rhythm, perhaps an added beat at the end of this line - 'her ... she'
Had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
Was not a loss in kind  not quite getting what "kind" means here
Day broken into pieces
Gathered by my mind

This is quite nice.  The basic meter is iambic, but you do not fear to vary line lengths in a pleasing way.  Complete absence of punctuation serves well:  the reader must puzzle out stresses and the associated phrasing, unaided by sentence structure (including capitalization).  Done consistently, this works.

My detail criticisms are interlinear above.  The last concerns me a little - there's a suspicion "kind" was chosen almost entirely to match your ABCB rhyme scheme.  I may be mistaken about that, and even if so, it shows either forward-looking word choice (good) or willingness to look back while writing instead of getting locked in (also good).  You avoid being trapped by ABAB rhyme scheme, also a plus.

The story told here seems a little diffuse, but that's fine:  it relates to dreams and mental processes, which are.

 Thank you for the feedback 
The  line " was not a loss in kind "  was initially a place holder , but I later began to see it as meaning that the loss of the night to wonder was a different kind than that of the day to dreaming .  also that the day was not truly lost and was broken into pieces and held in my mind . I could search for a different way to express this .  Thanks for taking the time to read it and for the advice !

[jeffalot]

How about:

Was not a loss, I find.

[RichardBosten]

How about:

Was not a loss, I find.

Thank you . I decided to alter the final stanza completely and made other revisions. 


I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass
The sands had passed away

I ask the stars to teach me
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely she would answer fair
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
In heavens celestial tease
Day broken into memories
My worries lost to ease

[dukealien]

How about:

Was not a loss, I find.

Thank you . I decided to alter the final stanza completely and made other revisions. 


I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass
The sands had passed away

I ask the stars to teach me
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely she would answer fair
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
In heavens celestial tease
Day broken into memories
My worries lost to ease

Substantial improvements, I think.  I'm again a bit concerned about possible forced rhyme ("tease") in the final stanza and - a minor point - I believe it should be "Heaven's" (possessive) or at least "heavens' " (plural and possessive).  Inclusion of some punctuation does help.  And (now you're using it) a comma - or em dash - after "wisdom" in S3 would help the reader sustain the rhythm.

Coming along nicely.

[RichardBosten]

How about:

Was not a loss, I find.

Thank you . I decided to alter the final stanza completely and made other revisions. 


I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass
The sands had passed away

I ask the stars to teach me
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely she would answer fair
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
In heavens celestial tease
Day broken into memories
My worries lost to ease

Substantial improvements, I think.  I'm again a bit concerned about possible forced rhyme ("tease") in the final stanza and - a minor point - I believe it should be "Heaven's" (possessive) or at least "heavens' " (plural and possessive).  Inclusion of some punctuation does help.  And (now you're using it) a comma - or em dash - after "wisdom" in S3 would help the reader sustain the rhythm.

Coming along nicely.

Thanks for the feedback. 
I'm on the fence with tease/ease . It does come off a little forced  but I also kind of like the line -heaven's  celestial tease... hhmmm
Punctuation is not my strong suite . I am working on it however. 

Maybe ill edit the last line to a soft rhyme or slant?  Its getting close i feel.

[Quicksilver]

Thank you . I decided to alter the final stanza completely and made other revisions. 


I lost the day inside a dream
The dream inside a day
I lost the hours in a glass
The sands had passed away

I ask the stars to teach me
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered
Dancing all along

I begged the moon for wisdom
Surely she would answer fair
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share

The night I lost to wonder
In heavens celestial tease
Day broken into memories
My worries lost to ease

Substantial improvements, I think.  I'm again a bit concerned about possible forced rhyme ("tease") in the final stanza and - a minor point - I believe it should be "Heaven's" (possessive) or at least "heavens' " (plural and possessive).  Inclusion of some punctuation does help.  And (now you're using it) a comma - or em dash - after "wisdom" in S3 would help the reader sustain the rhythm.

Coming along nicely.

Thanks for the feedback. 
I'm on the fence with tease/ease . It does come off a little forced  but I also kind of like the line -heaven's  celestial tease... hhmmm
Punctuation is not my strong suite . I am working on it however. 

Maybe ill edit the last line to a soft rhyme or slant?  Its getting close i feel.

Hmm, for myself, the celestial part was a bit disruptive to the overall meter? Also, in the third stanza: "Surely she would answer fair", feels like there is one too many syllables in there. Breaking the rhythm is great, but since it's so strong over the rest of the piece those two lines just jar me a bit. for celestial, I almost want it to say celest'ial, (some version of that with a rhythmic notation) similar to a hymn book or chorus notation. That may be feedback with me. I love the use of the word celestial there! you could use heaven's celestial breeze? ease or tease work, but between the two I'm partial to "heaven's celest'ial tease". (Again, idk on the notation, just a personal preference).

Either way, I love the piece! Looking to the heavens for answers and meditating on the difficulty of no solid answers, a jaunty rhythm and lovely imagery!

[RichardBosten]

Substantial improvements, I think.  I'm again a bit concerned about possible forced rhyme ("tease") in the final stanza and - a minor point - I believe it should be "Heaven's" (possessive) or at least "heavens' " (plural and possessive).  Inclusion of some punctuation does help.  And (now you're using it) a comma - or em dash - after "wisdom" in S3 would help the reader sustain the rhythm.

Coming along nicely.

Thanks for the feedback. 
I'm on the fence with tease/ease . It does come off a little forced  but I also kind of like the line -heaven's  celestial tease... hhmmm
Punctuation is not my strong suite . I am working on it however. 

Maybe ill edit the last line to a soft rhyme or slant?  Its getting close i feel.

Hmm, for myself, the celestial part was a bit disruptive to the overall meter? Also, in the third stanza: "Surely she would answer fair", feels like there is one too many syllables in there. Breaking the rhythm is great, but since it's so strong over the rest of the piece those two lines just jar me a bit. for celestial, I almost want it to say celest'ial, (some version of that with a rhythmic notation) similar to a hymn book or chorus notation. That may be feedback with me. I love the use of the word celestial there! you could use heaven's celestial breeze? ease or tease work, but between the two I'm partial to "heaven's celest'ial tease". (Again, idk on the notation, just a personal preference).

Either way, I love the piece! Looking to the heavens for answers and meditating on the difficulty of no solid answers, a jaunty rhythm and lovely imagery!

I played around with it a little last night here is another version....... 

 I lost the day inside a dream.
The dream inside a day.
I lost the hours in a glass.
The sands had passed away.

I ask the stars to teach me.
"To where the day has gone ?"
Seven sisters answered;
dancing all along.

I begged the moon for wisdom.
Surely, she to answer fair.
Waning in her brilliance;
had little light to share.

I lost the night to wander;
upon celestial seas.
Found the day in breaking waves;
Upon the shore of dreams.

Thank you again for the kind words and suggestions.