Unwanted Gifts (CW: Language)

[sun_sparks]

Unwanted Gifts
 
Let me fucking hear
song lyrics, strange names,
consonants muted
and bad guessing games.
 
No superpower,
just poorly fused brain,
not lifelong failure
and deep-hoarded shame.
 
I’m praised for my smarts,
am scrambling at life,
tear up my test scores,
let chaos run rife.
 
Some call these my gifts,
they come with no bow,
they don’t give, just take,
it’s all just for show.
 
Disabled, hear me
loud my lyrics here,
words can sharpen thoughts
if they choose to hear.


------

I'm not sure where I've gone with this. I don't typically rhyme either... that's a new departure. I've tweaked and changed it, but it feels too self absorbed tbh. WOuld love to know how it sits with others.

[Poetry In Motion]

Unwanted Gifts
 
Let me fucking hear
song lyrics, strange names,
consonants muted
and bad guessing games.
 
No superpower,
just poorly fused brain,
not lifelong failure
and deep-hoarded shame.
 
I’m praised for my smarts,
am scrambling at life,
tear up my test scores,
let chaos run rife.
 
Some call these my gifts,
they come with no bow,
they don’t give, just take,
it’s all just for show.
 
Disabled, hear me
loud my lyrics here,
words can sharpen thoughts
if they choose to hear.


------

I'm not sure where I've gone with this. I don't typically rhyme either... that's a new departure. I've tweaked and changed it, but it feels too self absorbed tbh. WOuld love to know how it sits with others.

I love it! It's intriguing. It feels solid. I like the vibe of the piece; it has this rage against the system kind of vibe here. You could put instead of 'just poorly fused brain' with 'a poorly fused brain', hopefully it doesn't ruin the meter? That's my only concern.

[jeffalot]

Thanks for sharing this poem; I liked it and I didn't have the feeling it was self-absorbed like you mentioned. The rhyme doesn't seem overdone or forced to me. Maybe only the last stanza here/hear rhyme, as well as the repetition of the hear/here sound three times in the stanza is a bit much perhaps? I like the idea of 'deep-hoarded shame' - shame hidden deep inside, but also has a sense of it being an involuntary action, like a hoarder. 'Poorly fused brain' is great and very evocative.