A Way Into Their World

[jeffnc]

So this is the first poem I've written (and I'm kind of on the old side).  It was just a couple thoughts I had for something I'm passionate about, and my girlfriend wanted to hear them, so I promised I'd write it out.  And frankly, other than a couple rhymes bouncing around my noggin, I found this to be more work than fun    But even so, I want to at least put something together, and I have a few questions.

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about?
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?

Any other comments welcome - yer not gonna hurt my feelings (it's not like I aspire to be a poet.)


I know of a way into their world
Of reflective ceiling and cobbled floor
With arcing angle and line unfurled
Crouching and purling to implore
  my furtive feral friend

  ...looping, lifting, mending

The meniscus warps like melting glass
What do you see? How do you choose?
An image flows within your grasp
Will you accept a feathered ruse?
  my finicky feline friend

  ...falling, floating, wending

A jolt of ancient energy
Courses on a fragile thread
A brief communion - you and me
As you twist down toward your bed
  my fleet and flashing friend

  ...pulling, pulsing, bending

As tensions ease, the woods exhale
A hush ripples through the dell
I drink the scene, then find the trail
Until I venture back - fare well
  my finny fickle friend

[RichardBosten]

I am new to all this my self and on the older side as well. You have a tremendous vocabulary !! Very strong imagery going on in this poem. I come away with an image of a cautiously playful cat . I can almost see the cat deciding whether or not to pounce on the "feathered ruse" . I like that it flows in order and concludes with farewell until the next time . It has a good sense of movement and a strong conclusion. I Really enjoyed it. I also like how you broke up the rhythm with actions that help paint a mental picture .
I'm sorry I can not find anything to offer in terms of critique . It seems really good to me.

[jeffnc]

I can almost see the cat deciding whether or not to pounce on the "feathered ruse". 

Thanks for your comments.  You know, it actually occurred to me after I wrote it, that it could be interpreted that way, because in hindsight that makes sense.  It's not about a cat though, just something I feel shares some qualities :

[jeffalot]

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about?
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?

It seems to me that you are writing about angling/fishing? The "reflective ceiling" could be the water's surface viewed from beneath, the "cobbled floor" might be the stony bed of the river or lake? You then address the fish that you try to catch, having a brief 'communion' with it after it takes your bait, your 'feathered ruse', and later you say goodbye to your finny (fish fin) friend.

I had to look up "meniscus", and the word on its own didn't mean much to me on the first reading (though that's on me for not knowing it). On that first reading the feline imagery was very present in my mind. Feral gives me a mammalian sense, rather than a fishy sense to me - feral is an animal that was domesticated and then went back into the wild, so I am not sure that this completely works logically in describing a fish? Later you use the word 'feline' - maybe you are hoping for catfish?

I found the different addresses first to the reader, then to the "friend", easy to understand. You clearly state "their" in the first stanza and then switch to "your". You could make this separation more obvious by saying "my furtive feral friends" (plural). That would then align with your use of "their world" earlier in the stanza, and make it clear that you are discussing general fish in the first stanza, not just a single one.

I think it's ok to switch addresses - it gives a sense of storytelling in your poem and draws the reader in. When you change the focus of your address, it might be called an apostrophe - see  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apostrophe...of_speech)

"In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?"
I would suggest:
Will you accept a feathered ruse,
  my finicky feline friend?
That way, it is clear that you are addressing the "friend". Otherwise, "my finicky feline friend" is just kind of dangling there on its own.

I like your poem - I think the beginning "I know of a way into their world" is fantastic - it's exciting and gives me as a non-fishing (fishy?) person some sense of what fishing means to you.

You said you found writing the poem to be more work than fun. Maybe the poem was in your head too long?

[busker]

So this is the first poem I've written (and I'm kind of on the old side).  It was just a couple thoughts I had for something I'm passionate about, and my girlfriend wanted to hear them, so I promised I'd write it out.  And frankly, other than a couple rhymes bouncing around my noggin, I found this to be more work than fun    But even so, I want to at least put something together, and I have a few questions.

- I'm not going to say what it's about exactly, because that's my first question.  Is it too hard to understand what I'm talking about? ... that's fine, you shouldn't have to 'explain' a poem
- If not, should I care?  Maybe I should only share it with people who already know what it's about, and they will appreciate being "in the know".  Then again, they might simply think it sucks and that would backfire.  ... obviously, if there's an inside joke involved it's different. But a poem should make sense to the reasonably intelligent
- I'm only speaking to the reader in the first stanza, where I'm talking about my "friend". For the rest, I'm talking to my "friend".  Does this become clear?  .... it's clear, but it's the sort of inconsistency that you'd ideally want to avoid. It comes off as sloppy.
- Is this even an OK thing to do in poetry, or is it just confusing?  Is there a name for that kind of switch?  ... poetry follows the same rules as regular speech. So while it's clear from the text that you're addressing the subject directly from S2 onwards, it also smacks of a cop out
- In the second stanza, would it make more sense to put the question mark at the end of the fifth line instead of the fourth?
... I think so, otherwise the last line is left hanging
Any other comments welcome - yer not gonna hurt my feelings (it's not like I aspire to be a poet.)
... see below

I know of a way into their world
Of reflective ceiling and cobbled floor
With arcing angle and line unfurled  ... punctuation needed, otherwise the sentence starts to unravel before this point.
Crouching and purling to implore  ... the fish's world a stream which might purl, but how can it crouch?
  my furtive feral friend

  ...looping, lifting, mending  

The meniscus warps like melting glass
What do you see? How do you choose?
An image flows within your grasp
Will you accept a feathered ruse?
  my finicky feline friend  ... your friend, from the rest of the poem, is a fish. So why 'feline'?

  ...falling, floating, wending

A jolt of ancient energy
Courses on a fragile thread
A brief communion - you and me
As you twist down toward your bed
  my fleet and flashing friend

  ...pulling, pulsing, bending

As tensions ease, the woods exhale
A hush ripples through the dell
I drink the scene, then find the trail
Until I venture back - fare well
  my finny fickle friend  .

Hi Jeff - this is a nice one. Could work on a few points as above