Cicero's Tongue (Revised)

[Mostly Holy]

"Cicero's Tongue"
(Revised)

A splendid peacock upon the Senate floor
My speeches forged to whip the crowd to roar
My tears rehearsed, my virtue memorized
I spun comspiracies from cloth of lies
Bellowed rumours to prove my noble cause
Then slew the law to sanctify the laws

"The welfare of the people must be over all"
So I killed without trial as Senate stood tall
"Gratitude is parent of all virtue," I lied
As I bowed to Caesar to mask my umbraged pride
The knives were steel, but mine the sharper art
I stabbed with syntax, smiling at my part

I saved the Republic from all but myself
As the Curia burns, I toast my health
I loved my country, but myself the better
I sold Truth to gild my splendid theatre
No faith had I, except to fortune's whim
I was a reed shaken by every rough wind

Rome fell to my words, you mouth them all the same
I bore the liar’s guilt, you wear its shame




----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(earlier version)

A splendid peacock upon the Senate floor
My speeches forged to whip the crowd to roar
My tears rehearsed, my virtue memorised
I spun conspiracies from cloth of lies
Bellowed rumours to prove my noble cause
Then slew the law to sanctify the laws

"The welfare of the people must be over all"
So I killed without trial as Senate stood tall
"Gratitude is parent of all virtue," I lied
As I bowed to Caesar to mask my graceless pride
The knives were steel, but mine the sharper art
I stabbed with syntax, smiling at my part

I saved the Republic from all but myself
As Curia burns, I toast to my good health
I loved my country, but myself the better
I sold my Truth to gild my gaudy theatre
Never faithful, except to fortune's whim
I was a reed shaken by every rough wind

Rome fell to my words, you mouth them all the same
I bore the liar’s guilt, you wear its shame

[plsgoawaywhoisthis]

wow! this one hits hard. it’s got that classical grandeur, but the voice is unmistakably modern and self-aware, like a fallen statesman giving his own eulogy. the rhyme and meter are tight without feeling stiff, and that gives the speaker’s hypocrisy an unsettling elegance.

the opening image — “a splendid peacock upon the Senate floor” — instantly sets the tone: vanity dressed in authority. from there, the poem keeps escalating, each couplet more damning than the last. i especially love “i stabbed with syntax” — it’s vicious and clever, the perfect metaphor for rhetoric turned into violence.

if i had to nitpick gently: the third stanza (“i saved the Republic…”) might benefit from a slightly more varied rhythm; it’s beautifully written, but a pause or break (maybe an em dash or enjambment) could give one of those lines a deeper punch, like letting us feel the self-disgust before he toasts himself.
heres what you could change or explore further, ((without rewriting your lines)):

voice clarity: the speaker feels halfway between a single historical figure and a symbolic archetype — you might decide which one you want the reader to hear more clearly. if it’s an individual, a few more personal details or confessions could sharpen the emotional focus.

third stanza pacing: the rhythm here is slightly uniform compared to the other stanzas. adding a subtle pause or internal break might give more emotional weight to the self-reflection (“i saved the republic…”). right now it flows a bit too smoothly for the bitterness it carries.

emotional temperature: most of the poem holds a steady tone of proud cynicism. consider giving one or two flashes of doubt, regret, or self-loathing — just brief ones — to deepen the humanity behind the arrogance.

imagery variation: your metaphors lean heavily on politics, speech, and performance (which works great thematically). maybe one or two tactile or sensory images — smoke, blood, marble, echoes — could ground the grandeur in something different, in a way??
hope this helps! all love x

[TheCryptCreeper]

"Cicero's Tongue"

A splendid peacock upon the Senate floor
My speeches forged to whip the crowd to roar
My tears rehearsed, my virtue memorized
I spun comspiracies from cloth of lies
Bellowed rumours to prove my noble cause
Then slew the law to sanctify the laws

"The welfare of the people must be over all"
So I killed without trial as Senate stood tall
"Gratitude is parent of all virtue," I lied
As I bowed to Caesar to mask my graceless pride
The knives were steel, but mine the sharper art
I stabbed with syntax, smiling at my part

I saved the Republic from all but myself
As Curia burns, I toast to my good health
I loved my country, but myself the better
I sold my Truth to gild my gaudy theatre
Never faithful, except to fortune's whim
I was a reed shaken by every rough wind

Rome fell to my words, you mouth them all the same
I bore the liar’s guilt, you wear its shame

This poem is really great, I think the majority of the metaphors are all really well executed, though I think there are a few weak ones which I feel you could tweak to make the imagery more evocative if you want to get this poem really perfect; the lines in particular I'm thinking of are 4 (you also misspelled confiracies ), 6 and 16 which fall a little short of the mark compared to the other great metaphors you have in this poem.

The second aspect I had a look at is the syllable count for each line -- you're really close to having the same count for each line, as it fluctuates between 10, 11 and 12; just something to point out as I think the final couplet would strike home more impactfully if they had the same syllable count for the rhythm.

The final aspect I had a look at was the narrative or 'voice' of the poem, it is told from Cicero's perspective yet appears to also be a criticism of him; I am not familiar with Cicero the historical figure but something tells me he wouldn't refer to his own pride as 'graceless' or his theatre as 'gaudy', I think you could work on honing the perspective of the poem, whether it is from Cicero's or one of his critic's perspectives

[Mostly Holy]

Thank you so much for your thoughts, I will use them in my next revision. The third stanza is a little rigid, and on reflection is odd to have Cicero feel anything but self-righteous pride in his ghastly legacy :pray:

[Tiger the Lion]

"Cicero's Tongue"

A splendid peacock upon the Senate floor
My speeches forged to whip the crowd to roar
My tears rehearsed, my virtue memorized
I spun comspiracies from cloth of lies
Bellowed rumours to prove my noble cause
Then slew the law to sanctify the laws

"The welfare of the people must be over all"
So I killed without trial as Senate stood tall
"Gratitude is parent of all virtue," I lied
As I bowed to Caesar to mask my umbraged pride
The knives were steel, but mine the sharper art
I stabbed with syntax, smiling at my part

I saved the Republic from all but myself
As the Curia burns, I toast my health
I loved my country, but myself the better
I sold Truth to gild my splendid theatre
No faith had I, except to fortune's whim
I was a reed shaken by every rough wind

Rome fell to my words, you mouth them all the same
I bore the liar’s guilt, you wear its shame

---

I have revised it. What is the convention here, ought I update my first post, or post it as a reply, as I have done?

Generally the edit can be posted above the original.