midnight

[cait.05]

voices in my head
strangers in the night
is this what it felt like for you all those years ago?
a chance to say goodbye
a chance to leave
a chance to stay

I don't think I would even know how to face you
I couldn't even look you in the eye
what could I say to you 
to make you forgive me

crystal glass and broken promises
silence as tears subside
here I am again
alone, phone a friend, take a cab, sleep it off

hindsight is 20/20
the only regret i have is losing you
i don't know how to let you go.

[Todd]

Hi Cait.05,

Welcome to the site!

Let you give you a suggestion. This reads like you're grasping to find the poem. Like it's an early free write still tied to a number of cliches and abstractions. What that means is you still haven't broken beneath the surface to get to what you're trying to say. The cliches are serving as a sort of shorthand. You ask in line 3 for instance is this what it felt like for you but when you lead with the first two lines there aren't any concrete details to help the reader feel a sensation. Remove the lines we've heard before and exchange them for something more sensory.

I could give you examples, but I don't want to plant anything in your mind too early.

Best,

Todd

[whisperer]

This piece is very raw and emotional. The blood hasn't even dried yet. There are writers out there that believe this is how poetry should be written, raw and unedited (Charles Bukowski - So You Want To Be A Writer). Others believe in colourful (sorry I'm Canadian) language and imagery. Poetry is art and art is expression. If that's what you have set out to accomplish, you nailed it. If you want to edit it, if you want it to sound and look better, I would work on some of your language and comparisons. These feel a little cliche and it reads messy. Again, if that's what you were striving for, great job. However, if you want to tighten it up, less is more and a thesaurus is a poets best friend. Beyond that, thank you for sharing.

[Stancyzk]

Hi there I am relatively new to critiquing and poetry generally, but I will try and provide some structured feedback.

This feels like the capturing of emotions as one goes through a lose either through break up or other. Maybe there is regret involved or a feeling of wanting for a second chance. I agree with Rumi it is very raw and emotional and feels present in the moment of your writing, which is reflected in the poems lack of structure and uncertainty, which can be a good thing. One thing though, I think when approaching poetry that can move others not just capture our thoughts, is to consider the way in which we transfer those ideas or thoughts. I think it is, in essence, one of the most beautiful things about poetry, that you can bring the reader to on a journey, to your view, emotion, or to a realisation.

I think a lot of the writing here has a strong personal meaning and as it comes from questions you ask yourself or answers you seek for it can seem clear for you as you put pen to paper. But it is also useful to consider how that thought is established outside the question and how the reader can follow or arrive the point you are trying to bring them.

[Andrew]

I read this many times it is very emotional, I think that the cathartic nature of poetic expression can often lead us away from the message or point of the piece. I feel the essence of your poem but I think maybe which is the first step (I humbly say) we write what we see and feel and satisfying our feelings is first draft,  we know the message in our mind and heart but that message must jump off the page and engage  not just reflect a very singular very personal moment unless you paint that personal moment as a picture we all see clearly. You will I believe re write  this as we all do and play with it and I know when you finish this piece it will really resonate…..the Sun and her flowers by RUPI KAUR is a brilliant work in this vein. Please do not be offended by my humble take on your work it is expressive and I look forward to your future posts.

[Bitnee]

Nice poem to the point it is emotional and I feel it’s howsnt and
To
The point

[Roggen]

I like your poem because it feel’s like you just want to sound real/true. It let me feel the pain with you.
Sorry that I can’t give you any advise to it, I’m new here and have not much experience in writing.