In the Quiet

[Todd]

I think about the spaces between words,
the way they stretch like miles of road
no one drives anymore.

Even the air has forgotten
how to breathe.

If not for my children,
I might have stopped
let the years wash memory clean

like the smoothness of stone
under tireless waters.

[Weeded]

Hey Todd,

I really hope there is someone more qualified to crit this, I also want to thank you for your existence while I'm here.

I think about the spaces between words,
the way they stretch like miles of road
no one drives anymore. The strongest stanza in my opinion.

Even the air has forgotten
how to breathe. Probably not smart enough to comprehend this, it is a pretty line, but I can't quite wrap my head around the meaning of this stanza. I get conflicting thoughts and wonder whether this is meant to convey actual environmental concerns like the air is so heavily polluted in today's world, it doesn't even do it's job of providing oxygen to living beings, or if it's something more abstract and I'm just simply not getting it. I like its place however, sonically and rhythmically, and I found myself reading it over and over, so if it's job was to sit there and make me wonder what it means while I simultaneously enjoy reading it, I'd say it's done its job well. 

If not for my children,
I might have stopped
let the years wash memory clean All that abstraction and wondering about air for a haymaker back to reality. I'm not a fan of the sonics here however, breathe/clean feels a little forced, but I like the journey I'm on so far.

like the smoothness of stone
under tireless waters. And I'm satisfied, yearning for a bit more, but better short and sweet vs. a lead to detriment.

Don't really have any conclusory thoughts, still thinking about it.

Thank you,
mike

[brynmawr1]

I think about the spaces between words,   Consider finding a more interesting word than 'think'. eg 'feel' but better!
the way they stretch like miles of road  great image  consider changing 'the way' to 'how'
no one drives anymore.   'anymore' could be considered implied.  In my head i want to put a 'Where' at the line break

Even the air has forgotten   and I want to continue the space metaphor by changing 'forgotten' to something like 'thinned' which would require a rework of next line that might set up the turn into S3 better.  While I like the idea behind this stanza, I am not sure the personification of air here works that well within the context of the rest of the poem
how to breathe.   

If not for my children,
I might have stopped  want to add a 'there' at the end of this line
letting the years wash my memory clean

like the smoothness of stone  consider changing 'like' to 'to'
under tireless waters.  great ending

Hi Todd,

I also hope someone more qualified comes along, but this is my two cents.  I only offer the above suggestions as areas to think about and as a window into how I see the poem and what might make it better to my ear.  Just a bit about adding 'where' and 'there' at the end of lines.  They aren't the strongest words for a line break.  My thinking is that they help sonically to tie the poem together and also subliminally reinforce the idea that the space between words as a location one could travel to.

My comments aside, the poem is very good as written.  Almost forgot to mention that the title is good, too.
Hope you find something useful here.
Though we've never "met", good to see you back!
Bryn

[Todd]

Hey Thanks, Mike. Appreciate your comments. I'll review them at length.

I probably should have put this in mild (I'm just used to living here). I haven't written anything in 4 years and in I'm trying to get the engine going again. 

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Best,

Todd

Hey Todd,

I really hope there is someone more qualified to crit this, I also want to thank you for your existence while I'm here.

I think about the spaces between words,
the way they stretch like miles of road
no one drives anymore. The strongest stanza in my opinion.

Even the air has forgotten
how to breathe. Probably not smart enough to comprehend this, it is a pretty line, but I can't quite wrap my head around the meaning of this stanza. I get conflicting thoughts and wonder whether this is meant to convey actual environmental concerns like the air is so heavily polluted in today's world, it doesn't even do it's job of providing oxygen to living beings, or if it's something more abstract and I'm just simply not getting it. I like its place however, sonically and rhythmically, and I found myself reading it over and over, so if it's job was to sit there and make me wonder what it means while I simultaneously enjoy reading it, I'd say it's done its job well. 

If not for my children,
I might have stopped
let the years wash memory clean All that abstraction and wondering about air for a haymaker back to reality. I'm not a fan of the sonics here however, breathe/clean feels a little forced, but I like the journey I'm on so far.

like the smoothness of stone
under tireless waters. And I'm satisfied, yearning for a bit more, but better short and sweet vs. a lead to detriment.

Don't really have any conclusory thoughts, still thinking about it.

Thank you,
mike

[brynmawr1]

bump

[busker]

I think about the spaces between words,
the way they stretch like miles of road ... I haven't read too many poems about the 'spaces between words'. An original concept, IMO. Love it. Love the second line.
no one drives anymore.   ... a bit cliched

Even the air has forgotten
how to breathe. 

If not for my children,
I might have stopped
let the years wash memory clean ... I'm lost in the metaphor. The spaces between words are like roads, then there's air, and finally, something being washed...the roads? There is a unity of sentiment that ties it together, but the vagueness of the metaphor is a bit frustrating

like the smoothness of stone
under tireless waters.   ... while the image is cliched, the delivery is fresh. I love these last two lines.

Sometimes, a poem is more than the sum of its parts, and I think this poem delivers a punch that you don't expect when you look at the lines individually.
Lovely work.

Also, good to have you back

---

I think about the spaces between words,   Consider finding a more interesting word than 'think'. eg 'feel' but better!
the way they stretch like miles of road  great image  consider changing 'the way' to 'how'
no one drives anymore.   'anymore' could be considered implied.  In my head i want to put a 'Where' at the line break

Even the air has forgotten   and I want to continue the space metaphor by changing 'forgotten' to something like 'thinned' which would require a rework of next line that might set up the turn into S3 better.  While I like the idea behind this stanza, I am not sure the personification of air here works that well within the context of the rest of the poem
how to breathe.   

If not for my children,
I might have stopped  want to add a 'there' at the end of this line
letting the years wash my memory clean

like the smoothness of stone  consider changing 'like' to 'to'
under tireless waters.  great ending

Hi Todd,

I also hope someone more qualified comes along, but this is my two cents.  I only offer the above suggestions as areas to think about and as a window into how I see the poem and what might make it better to my ear.  Just a bit about adding 'where' and 'there' at the end of lines.  They aren't the strongest words for a line break.  My thinking is that they help sonically to tie the poem together and also subliminally reinforce the idea that the space between words as a location one could travel to.

My comments aside, the poem is very good as written.  Almost forgot to mention that the title is good, too.
Hope you find something useful here.
Though we've never "met", good to see you back!
Bryn

I'm glad I didn't read this before putting my two cents in.
The suggestion of changing 'like' to 'to' is brilliant.
This is a gold standard crit