Sowing Together Sadness

[Deor Ana Log]

My grief is a ground center for healing
Wet tears layered on small frowns
Push me beyond my feelings
Feeling the weight of the water
Stone cold skin fluctuating in scale of slaughter
I learned my growth shows when I drown
As much as when I come up for air
Teal and amethyst shades of sad wash over
Past reality finally seeping into now
Realization hits so hard that eyes can only cry
But now, emerges a chance to set a clean slate
Sadness creates clarity more compelling than fake relief
Pushing cautious, circumspect, careful gestures forward
Only the most heart-wrenching emotions can be dual-wielded
A fixture of future strength and sanctuary now

[tun]

[quote="Deor Ana Log" pid='274857' dateline='1759343688']
My grief is a ground center for healing
Wet tears layered on small frowns
Push me beyond my feelings
Feeling the weight of the water
Stone cold skin fluctuating in scale of slaughter
I learned my growth shows when I drown
As much as when I come up for air
Teal and amethyst shades of sad wash over
Past reality finally seeping into now
Realization hits so hard that eyes can only cry
But now, emerges a chance to set a clean slate
Sadness creates clarity more compelling than fake relief
Pushing cautious, circumspect, careful gestures forward
Only the most heart-wrenching emotions can be dual-wielded
A fixture of future strength and sanctuary now

In this piece there is no story, body or event to hold onto, so that the states depicted do not seem justified or material, but rather abstract and generic. They are standards, assumed to be shared and known, but given without form, life or specificity. That is an imposition, a form of intrusion, because it declares without demonstrating anything. There is no invitation to be. Somebody feels bad and then they feel better - but it all has to be taken on trust. The why of life is absent.

[Deor Ana Log]

I wrote this piece to understand my own sadness, not to prove that I have a life; because I know I do. Why do does grief come in waves? Maybe its because accepting sadness cures something deep inside, that isn't ever solved by moving on. So there is no story to my tears, there is no point in the suffering. But it somehow happens again and again. The problem with this piece for you isn't the words or the writing, it's the human condition. And babe, I'm not sure if that we be fixed anytime soon. I declare my words in this poem not because I think they are right, but because I want them to be. There is no invitation, because I was never invited to feel sadness, just like I wasn't invited to be born. Also, this is not an attack or an argument against you personally, it's about the poem. I do admit this isn't my favorite piece, or my best words. I want you to know that I love constructive criticism, just as much as I love to respond to it. And I hope you do to!

[tun]

I wrote this piece to understand my own sadness, not to prove that I have a life; because I know I do. Why do does grief come in waves? Maybe its because accepting sadness cures something deep inside, that isn't ever solved by moving on. So there is no story to my tears, there is no point in the suffering. But it somehow happens again and again. The problem with this piece for you isn't the words or the writing, it's the human condition. And babe, I'm not sure if that we be fixed anytime soon. I declare my words in this poem not because I think they are right, but because I want them to be. There is no invitation, because I was never invited to feel sadness, just like I wasn't invited to be born. Also, this is not an attack or an argument against you personally, it's about the poem. I do admit this isn't my favorite piece, or my best words. I want you to know that I love constructive criticism, just as much as I love to respond to it. And I hope you do to!

''The problem with this piece for you isn't the words or the writing, it's the human condition.''
This is highly inappropriate. I intended to talk about the text.

The text does not appear to be satirical. The text does not appear to be minimalist. The text does not appear to be maximalist. The text appears to represent a form of communication that sets up the expectation of a context for the proceeding states depicted. Which are at times alien and unfamiliar or unrecognizable as possible.

My grief is a ground center for healing (The phrase suggests stability, but what is the “ground” here? What anchors the healing?)
Wet tears layered on small frowns
Push me beyond my feelings (This creates motion, but it’s not clear what specific experience is pushing, or where “beyond” leads.)
Feeling the weight of the water (Where does the water imagery arise from — tears, drowning, or something else? The source isn’t defined.)
Stone cold skin fluctuating in scale of slaughter (What is being slaughtered? Without an object, the metaphor feels unmoored.)
I learned my growth shows when I drown (If drowning is literal, speech is impossible; if figurative, what exact condition does it signify?)
As much as when I come up for air
Teal and amethyst shades of sad wash over
Past reality finally seeping into now
Realization hits so hard that eyes can only cry (Realization of what? The poem leaves this unspecified, which limits the emotional impact.)
But now, emerges a chance to set a clean slate (What is the chance, and how does it emerge? The reader needs context to follow.)
Sadness creates clarity more compelling than fake relief (What constitutes “fake relief”? Without example, it remains abstract.)
Pushing cautious, circumspect, careful gestures forward
Only the most heart-wrenching emotions can be dual-wielded (The image of “dual-wielding” suggests combat, but how does this apply to emotions? Clarification would deepen the effect.)
A fixture of future strength and sanctuary now (What is the fixture? A person, a place, or an inner quality? The referent is missing.)

[jeffalot]

I really like this poem - I enjoyed the sense of it being untethered from an event, but concentrating instead on the pain and strength that it can bring. The phrase 'ground center' is brilliant - it's evoking ground zero, a space of destruction and a starting point.

I thought the water imagery/metaphor was strong, and a gave me a real sense of you feeling overwhelmed by water/grief/pain. I thought you could maybe do more on the destructive/violent/overwhelming aspect of water maybe?

I also liked the ground/stone/slate imagery - I would lean more into this theme as it pairs well with water. Your last line in particular, would perhaps lend itself well to a line that incorporates stone and water - water as a place of sanctuary, stone as strength or vice versa?

[penclicksound]

Your poem is moving and feels like an experience in itself. The line ‘stone cold skin flunctuating in scale of slaughter’ caught my attention to the point I almost felt like I myself had cold skin. It was worded beautifully and the imagery suits the 'violent' emotions of grief. The poem feels heavy, like grief does.

I furthermore thought the poem had a clear theme that was consistent throughout the poem. The first line says it all ‘My grief is ground center for healing’. This line will stick with me.I like that you used ‘ground center’. It almost feels like a construction site on which we build our lives. Love that imagery.

I think it would be an improvement to be even more consistent in imagery. For example the ground zero, the water or the slaughter are strong, but it does not return as a more consistent metaphor. I would like to see more of your strong imagery and perhaps less abstract description. The descriptions read beautifully, but sometimes is a little explanatory.