Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2025
a boat
holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow
deep
even
all the way through
a boat
at once here and not here
in drydock being readied
and
at the same time
already at sea
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
a boat
on which we labor
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
a boat
where
even the dents
even the scratches
even there,
where surely no water could pass
we must fill fill fill
a boat
which
as it is being readied
before its first day at sea
is already ten thousand days old
far from land
ageing by orders of magnitude
with each line
of this poem
a boat
destined to be
in the water
on that distant day
when even scratches
will sob tears of regret
as air and brine
revive
their illicit trade
a boat
that sank before
its maiden voyage
but that can be repaired
and in so doing
we will understand how
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which
it was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just that one
most likely to be
overlooked
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2025
(10-14-2025, 04:36 AM)adat Wrote: a boat
with holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow and deep
even
all the way through
a boat Maybe move 2nd stanza first since 3rd stanza returns to holes.
at once here and not here
in drydock being readied
and at the same time
already at sea
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
a boat
on which we labor
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
even the dents
even just the scratches
even there, where surely no water could pass
we must fill fill fill
old sad man with a boulder this kinda pulled me out. I assume it’s a Sisyphus reference which I like but it’s a bit abrupt you might try:
like that old man with a boulder
we know how to whistle
a shipbuilder’s tune
knows how to whistle
a shipbuilder's tune
this boat
as it is being readied
before its first day at sea
is already a thousand days old
far from land
ageing by orders of magnitude
with each
line in this poem
so far and so long
that even scratches
will sob
tears of regret and
a certain future reproach
as air and brine
illicitly trade
a boat
that sank before
its maiden voyage
but that can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just the one
most likely to be
overlooked
I really enjoy this poem good philosophical/metaphysical ideas. I always suggest reading out loud a few times to check for flow. Also read it from a new reader’s viewpoint. Sometimes ideas which same very clear to us may be confusing to a fresh set of eyes. Good stuff!
Posts: 340
Threads: 204
Joined: May 2013
(10-14-2025, 04:36 AM)adat Wrote: a boat
with holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow and deep
even
all the way through
a boat
at once here and not here
in drydock being readied
and at the same time
already at sea
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
a boat
on which we labor
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
even the dents
even just the scratches
even there, where surely no water could pass
we must fill fill fill
old sad man with a boulder
knows how to whistle
a shipbuilder's tune
this boat
as it is being readied
before its first day at sea
is already a thousand days old
far from land
ageing by orders of magnitude
with each
line in this poem
so far and so long
that even scratches
will sob
tears of regret and
a certain future reproach
as air and brine
illicitly trade
a boat
that sank before
its maiden voyage
but that can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just the one
most likely to be
overlooked
Overall I think the substance and themes of the poem are good. My challenge would be to the word the poem without saying "a boat"
Holes in hull
too many to count.
Small, large, shallow, deep,
and all the way through.
Sometimes here,
though not always.
When at drydock
prepped and assembled,
simultaneously in storm
no hobor in sight.
I paraphrased to hopefully give you some ideas on how rewording can effect tone.
Anyways thanks for the read
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 6
Threads: 2
Joined: Oct 2025
thank you both for your feedback!
i made some provisional changes above, removing the Sisyphus line, and leaning the opposite direction of what intended with "boat", making it a repeating line at the beginning of each stanza. that said, these are provisional, i'm going to do what you suggest and try a version without that line at all
i'm also wondering if i should just remove stanzas 5 and 6; will also play with rearranging to put the stanzas directly addressing holes together
anyways, it does clearly need some work, thanks for your help!
this is a new version, pared down and without "a boat"; please do let me know if you prefer this to the one above; i think i do not, but i am still working on it:
Minerva, A Boat
holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow
deep
even
all the way through
we toil to repair
this vessel
our labor
unending
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
in drydock
as it first
is being readied
at the same moment
it crashes through waves
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
before its maiden voyage
it sank
but can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just that one
most likely to be
overlooked
Posts: 11
Threads: 3
Joined: Oct 2025
adat dateline='[url=tel:1760702882' Wrote: 1760702882[/url]']
thank you both for your feedback!
i made some provisional changes above, removing the Sisyphus line, and leaning the opposite direction of what intended with "boat", making it a repeating line at the beginning of each stanza. that said, these are provisional, i'm going to do what you suggest and try a version without that line at all
i'm also wondering if i should just remove stanzas 5 and 6; will also play with rearranging to put the stanzas directly addressing holes together
anyways, it does clearly need some work, thanks for your help!
this is a new version, pared down and without "a boat"; please do let me know if you prefer this to the one above; i think i do not, but i am still working on it:
Minerva, A Boat
holes in its hull
too many to count
some are small
others large
shallow
deep
even
all the way through
we toil to repair
this vessel
our labor
unending
spotting the holes
caulking them closed
scanning to see
where they jump to next
in drydock
as it first
is being readied
at the same moment
it crashes through waves
in a storm
no safe harbor in sight
before its maiden voyage
it sank
but can be repaired
and in so doing
we will see
the ocean floor
is really just
the surface of the sea
on which it
was always meant
to sail
so mind those holes
the most dangerous one
will always be
not the biggest
not the deepest
just that one
most likely to be
overlooked
Wow! You’ve really tightened this up nicely! Try expanding on the “overlooked” holes meaning why were they overlooked ie was it pride, laziness etc. this will deepen your metaphor. Good stuff!
