Pigeon Happy Being

[Deor Ana Log]

I pigeonhole more than I breathe

I pigeonhole more than I breathe

Starve more than I eat

Feel more awake in dreams

Get tired of halfway being 

Dwell below damp eyes glow

Can’t separate shade from shadow  

Memory etches away my past

Can’t I just escape the ways it lasts?

Stumble through tuesdays

And I can’t safely sleep

Put who I keep being on repeat

Forgetting the fortune

I know I achieved

So focused on becoming

I forgot to be

Is discovery a dark dream?

[rowens]

I pigeonhole more than I breathe

Can’t separate shade from shadow  

Memory etches away my past

Can’t I just escape the ways it lasts?

Stumble through tuesdays

And I can’t 

Forgetting the fortune

I know I achieved

So focused on becoming

I forgot 

Something like that? 

[Deor Ana Log]

Can you please elobarate the point about this poem you are making?

[rowens]

Only that it sounds better that way to me. Comes across better to me. I am asking you and whoever else. I can be more than one person. So you can say what you like and I'll conspire. And so will the rest of people who critique the poem.

If there's a point, it's that it sounds better to my sensibilities the way I edited it.

[Deor Ana Log]

Oh than that's an interesting revision, I'll consider trimming it down a bit! Also I forgot to write the first line, so that might be the problem as well.

[rowens]

Simple and direct or overcomplicated for the sake of novelty. Since poetry can be more about those things than making rational points, I don't see why either is worse than the other. So far, this poem seems like the simple and direct, which could easily be a bit more complex using only linebreaks and word choice rather than more words and lines. But that would be getting further from short and direct.

[Deor Ana Log]

In that case I would love to know your opinion the last line about discovery, because that is the culmination of the entire piece

[rowens]

Overstating?

[shady]

lovely i love it, perhaps remove the last line i think it contrasts a lot from the rest of the rhythm of your poem. It's beautiful, though.