A Bridge of Words

[EmperorPenguin]

Hello to everyone out there.

I'm new here (joined today), and today, I wrote my first poem in about 9 years, but the first one that I want criticized since I took creative writing in high school 20 years ago. I want to be upfront that this is supposed to be dark, so if it's not your cup of tea, no worries.

I am looking for all types of feedback (positive, negative, structure which I know gets weird, etc) as it's going to be a part of my personal collection (I'm feeling a writing streak coming on). I went on a writing spree, and I enjoy what I have put out between this, and another one I am editing (tomorrow's post per the rules I read), but would love to improve it.

One final note, no, I am not suicidal, but I am planning on writing a poem when I was at one point in my life.

Cheers,
Emperor Penguin

--------------------

A Bridge of Words

I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.

The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.

Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.

So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.

I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.

And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.

I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.

I would do anything for you, 
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.

I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.

I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.

[rowens]

There was another someone named Penguin over a decade ago. He gave up before he became an Emperor.



I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.



First off, the form is showing signs of being dictated by rhyme with secondary content. With the accompanying twist of the content dictating the poem. 
One quick remedy to this is skipping each line that ends in the second half of the rhyme and figuring if the poem makes sense without it. Then if any line would make sense without any other line. 


The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.

And considering the critique above, you can keep what makes sense, and out of what you have consider a more subtle and richer figurative language, then arrange the words so as to find appropriate rhymes and other effects. 





Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.

So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.

I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.

And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.

I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.

I would do anything for you, 
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.

I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.

I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.

[JackTredden]

There’s real emotional openness here, and you’re clearly trying to speak sincerely. That said, I agree with Rowens about the rhyme. It tends to steer you toward more predictable lines, and that can undercut the honesty you're aiming for. You might try dropping rhyme altogether and focusing on more grounded images and language.

Structurally, it also feels like the poem starts with longer, denser stanzas before easing into a more relaxed voice and rhythm. That shift can be natural, but here it highlights the transition from initial intensity into something more comfortable. It's not a flaw, but it shows how the poem evolved as you wrote it. You might look at whether those first two stanzas match the tone and form of the rest.

Overall, it’s admirably heartfelt, but still finding its unique voice.

[EmperorPenguin]

So, I haven't modified any of the wording yet, but it definitely hits harder. I took what I removed and read it, and it made no sense and didn't fit the flow and tone, I appreciate both of your responses. The stanza does feel a little bit weird, but it's something I can work with and improve.

And for rowens, I can at least confirm that I am not the same person (at least what this scrambled brain remembers), but very funny that someone else went by Penguin.

[Jane Doe]

this is really great! I am also a new user and i really love that poem you made.  thank you for posting! care to start a thread?

Ode to Sarah.J.Mass book series
a twist
a turn
new chapters we learn
the book makes us yearn
for more!
please write faster author
the books slouch my poster!
but the words are great
the series in state
and I'll give you grace
since it's a race
to publish more fast pace
books in the series
waiting makes me have theories
maybe a little weary 
but ill wait for the rest of the series!

---

this is really great! I am also a new user and i really love that poem you made.  thank you for posting! care to start a thread?

Ode to Sarah.J.Mass book series
a twist
a turn
new chapters we learn
the book makes us yearn
for more!
please write faster author
the books slouch my poster!
but the words are great
the series in state
and I'll give you grace
since it's a race
to publish more fast pace
books in the series
waiting makes me have theories
maybe a little weary 
but ill wait for the rest of the series!

"waiting makes me have theories"
yep. please write faster

[tun]

Hello to everyone out there.

I'm new here (joined today), and today, I wrote my first poem in about 9 years, but the first one that I want criticized since I took creative writing in high school 20 years ago. I want to be upfront that this is supposed to be dark, so if it's not your cup of tea, no worries.

I am looking for all types of feedback (positive, negative, structure which I know gets weird, etc) as it's going to be a part of my personal collection (I'm feeling a writing streak coming on). I went on a writing spree, and I enjoy what I have put out between this, and another one I am editing (tomorrow's post per the rules I read), but would love to improve it.

One final note, no, I am not suicidal, but I am planning on writing a poem when I was at one point in my life.

Cheers,
Emperor Penguin

--------------------

A Bridge of Words

I'm a soul fractured and lost in time and space,
But whenever I'm around you, I feel my heart race.
I'm lost in thought, full of shock and awe,
But the depression continues to make me fall.

The more we talk, the more you steal my heart,
But deep down inside, depression’s tearing me apart.
I'm such a wreck, a man who doesn't deserve you,
And these thoughts are some of the reasons why I'm still blue.

Hundreds of thoughts per minute,
At least a few times, your smiling face is in it.
To make you mine is my objective,
But depression has a different directive.

So much to unpack, so much to unravel,
Every time I get back up, I slip on the gravel.
But your welcoming smile is a ray of hope,
It's my motivation to try not to mope.

I'm head over heels,
Yes, that's how I feel,
But the more that we talk,
The more I'm afraid I'll just balk.

And I'm just falling apart,
a mess with no direction.
I need to listen to my heart,
Because I want to show you my affection.

I don't need to be fixed
Just to keep me focused,
To keep me motivated,
And keep my heart composed.

I would do anything for you, 
Anything to keep you happy,
Because seeing your smile,
It keeps me from feeling sappy.

I've been bullied and lied to,
So it's difficult to trust.
But to lose you without trying,
Then my life would be a bust.

I can't put it in speech,
But I can put it in poem,
Where every word is a bridge I cross,
That keeps my heart from turning to stone.

This poem seems to be about you so really it is not possible to fault it or to compare it to anything, if you see what I mean?

[Joooonaaaa]

I really like how emotional this poem is. But I have to agree with the replies above, I think your poem would be better off without rhymes. The content of your poem is setting this dark image and yet the rhymes give the feeling of making everything seem light. It may guide you towards words that don’t exactly mean what you are trying to convey, yet you choose them to complete the rhyme you started.

[Jane Doe]

great job on the poem, personally i like it the way it is. It's up to you to change it it or not