Evening Romance

[Rcklay]

Here’s my latest revision. I’ve also revised the title from Madam Romance to Evening Romance. 


Night belies the lady.
Lap laden with garlands
And lace.
Legs, lush and
Layered with flesh.
Layered with
Lie after lie.

Leering lookers bow,
Unmoored.
Affixed to fangled lore.
Foppish fellows—
This one feeble,
That one foul.

Night knows the gnarly truth:
A lady mangled
Needs no name.
Night is nesting each grave.
She numbers them—
One by one.


*****************************


Lay the lovely lady
Lap laden with garlands of lace
Legs, lush and lusty
Layers of flesh
Layers of lie
After lie
After lie

Leering lookers low to the floor
Affixed on all fangled fours
Foppish fellows
This one feeble
that one foul

Night knows the gnarly truth
A nearing needle for those who kneel
In her name.
Night is nesting the knave
She numbers them one
By one 
By one.

[rowens]

Do the L's, F's and N's have further significance?

The part that stands out is the first line of the second stanza where the L L L gives way or takes to F.

When you go all the way with such an angle, the only critique could be with small connective details, the most small and subtle word choices. To enrich the power within the gimmick.

[Rcklay]

Do the L's, F's and N's have further significance?

The part that stands out is the first line of the second stanza where the L L L gives way or takes to F.

When you go all the way with such an angle, the only critique could be with small connective details, the most small and subtle word choices. To enrich the power within the gimmick.

There’s no significance beyond the alliteration. I’m not wed to the gimmick and am open to suggestions about other word choices that might enhance the impact of the overall piece.

[dukealien]

Lay the lovely lady  I read this as an inversion of "the lovely lady lay" although it could also be imperative ("Lay the ... lady [down]")
Lap laden with garlands of lace
Legs, lush and lusty
Layers of flesh  Suitably disquieting - a particularly gory murder or looking onward to autopsy
Layers of lie
After lie
After lie  conflicting evidence and testimony

Leering lookers low to the floor  nice:  not "onlookers," they're participating in the scene
Affixed on all fangled fours  "fangled" is notable - detectives nosing around the corpse seeking clues in the nap of the rug
Foppish fellows
This one feeble
that one foul

Night knows the gnarly truth  "gnarly" is good - looks like a relief from the N's but isn't
A nearing needle for those who kneel
In her name.  Night (personified) as Justice and Nemesis
Night is nesting the knave
She numbers them one
By one 
By one.  As the System gets going, suspects are eliminated until all the threads converge on one.  Night smiles.

In basic critique, and after reading through only a couple of times, I see this as a crime scene.  In the first stanza, the scene is described; in the second, detectives (in modern parlance, technicians) examine it; the third... wheels of justice begin to grind.

(Not sure how much I've over- or misinterpreted here, but it's one way of seeing your poem.  As poets, we must put up with that sometimes.)

Minor inconsistencies in grammar and typography (capitalization, punctuation) are noted but not serious.  Most wouldn't notice the lack of a period here or a line not capitalized - are they worth it, in that case, or would standard typography work as well?

Some might not like the use of repetition in S1 and S3.  I think it works reasonably well; one repetition in each case - doing without the second - might be better.

[Rcklay]

Lay the lovely lady  I read this as an inversion of "the lovely lady lay" although it could also be imperative ("Lay the ... lady [down]")
Lap laden with garlands of lace
Legs, lush and lusty
Layers of flesh  Suitably disquieting - a particularly gory murder or looking onward to autopsy
Layers of lie
After lie
After lie  conflicting evidence and testimony

Leering lookers low to the floor  nice:  not "onlookers," they're participating in the scene
Affixed on all fangled fours  "fangled" is notable - detectives nosing around the corpse seeking clues in the nap of the rug
Foppish fellows
This one feeble
that one foul

Night knows the gnarly truth  "gnarly" is good - looks like a relief from the N's but isn't
A nearing needle for those who kneel
In her name.  Night (personified) as Justice and Nemesis
Night is nesting the knave
She numbers them one
By one 
By one.  As the System gets going, suspects are eliminated until all the threads converge on one.  Night smiles.

In basic critique, and after reading through only a couple of times, I see this as a crime scene.  In the first stanza, the scene is described; in the second, detectives (in modern parlance, technicians) examine it; the third... wheels of justice begin to grind.

(Not sure how much I've over- or misinterpreted here, but it's one way of seeing your poem.  As poets, we must put up with that sometimes.)

Minor inconsistencies in grammar and typography (capitalization, punctuation) are noted but not serious.  Most wouldn't notice the lack of a period here or a line not capitalized - are they worth it, in that case, or would standard typography work as well?

Some might not like the use of repetition in S1 and S3.  I think it works reasonably well; one repetition in each case - doing without the second - might be better.

This interpretation and analysis is well within the ballpark of the poem’s intent. I’m encouraged to know that the scene unfolds for the reader the way I had hoped. 

To address the comment about the first line: I aimed to leave some question/ambiguity here. Is the lady playing an active or passive role? Did she get here by choice or by coercion? Even she may not know the answer.