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Ascetic Lite
Vacant space beside one SUV
in my two-car garage,
when compared with many
neighbors who must scatter
two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,
makes one feel downright
austere.
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 6
Threads: 0
Joined: Aug 2025
Hi Duke.
I like this. A very insightful idea but my one suggestion would be to make some of the words do more work. “Two-car” means literally space for two cars. “Family-sized” does the same but introduces humans, as well as a note of potential and absence, which you could begin to build upon to hint towards those things that are absent.
Rather than repeat “car” with “both cars” you could try “who must leave / busy lives in their driveways” and then make it “space for possessions and people”, which would land with more emotional resonance.
You have a very compact stanza but there's still room internally to make it grow.
Hope this helps. Still feeling my way around here and can't tell if I'm already posting too much or it's always this quiet.
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
edit;
Vacant space beside one SUV
in my two-car garage,
when compared with many
neighbors who must scatter
two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,
makes one feel downright
austere.
Wasn't expecting critique in this area, but maybe the poem can stand a good edit. Hoping the emotional weight is... spare.
(08-31-2025, 09:26 PM)JackTredden Wrote: Hi Duke.
...
Still feeling my way around here and can't tell if I'm already posting too much or it's always this quiet.
P.S. I sort of look at the "waterfall" display on the left side of the homepage and throttle back if I seem overexposed. Though I'm not averse to just chucking some chum in if things are getting too quiet. Historically, it heats up a bit when (college) classes start in the Fall. (Which raises a semi-relevant question: does the standard academic year end with June graduation in the Antipodes, or with Christmas? The Anglosphere contains worlds...)
Non-practicing atheist
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Sorry Duke. Didn't realise this was for non-critique. I won't make that mistake again.
Yes, I noticed the waterfall a bit too late. I seemed to have overwhelmed it but this place is so very quiet. I was hoping to find somewhere where there was a lively interest in writing. I might wait and come back when the colleges return. No idea about elsewhere. I'm in the UK where the year ends in June.
Posts: 471
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Joined: Dec 2017
(08-31-2025, 04:18 AM)dukealien Wrote: Ascetic Lite
Vacant space beside one SUV
in my two-car garage,
when compared with many
neighbors who must scatter
two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,
makes one feel downright
austere.
This one shows, doesn't tell, which is good:
" two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,"
two observations:
1. Wordy. Needs fewer lines.
2. Not sure what to make of it. The one SUV = author being ironic doesn't work. The complaining about how much the neighbours have is a bit over the top. In which case this reduces to just that - a whinge. I realise it's in Fun, so a whinge here is all right.
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
(10-04-2025, 03:33 AM)busker Wrote: (08-31-2025, 04:18 AM)dukealien Wrote: Ascetic Lite
Vacant space beside one SUV
in my two-car garage,
when compared with many
neighbors who must scatter
two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,
makes one feel downright
austere.
This one shows, doesn't tell, which is good:
" two or three in driveways
or at curbside to conserve
floor for multiplying goods,"
two observations:
1. Wordy. Needs fewer lines.
2. Not sure what to make of it. The one SUV = author being ironic doesn't work. The complaining about how much the neighbours have is a bit over the top. In which case this reduces to just that - a whinge. I realise it's in Fun, so a whinge here is all right.
I seem to have failed to post my comment on first try, so, briefly: not a whinge, just an observation of my neighbors' maybe-foibles balanced with a slightly arch self-criticism.
On the other topic that came up mid-thread, we do seem to be garnering a grand crop of new members this Fall, don't we?
Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 471
Threads: 204
Joined: Dec 2017
Quote:On the other topic that came up mid-thread, we do seem to be garnering a grand crop of new members this Fall, don't we?
I’m loving that. I hope some stick around and become regulars.
The Pigpen WoF should be around the corner?
Posts: 471
Threads: 204
Joined: Dec 2017
Pay no attention to the Shem
behind the curtain.
Of one thing I'm certain -
he's one of them.
'Tis a game we play,
to see his sorry ass turfed.
With the first ban was he nerfed,
that precious little Doris Day.
