Respectful Balance - edit

[dukealien]

Respectful Balance


My one year-old Korean
car will steer itself
using LIDAR vision
until it loses sight of lanes
at which point it cries urgently
for both my hands
upon its wheel.

So unlike a Tesla
in full automation mode
there’s a certain diffidence
and modesty to its attainments
which I find both becoming
and, like its need for me,
reassuring.

original version;

My one year-old Korean
car will steer itself
using LIDAR cameras until
it loses track of lanes
at which point it calls
urgently for both my hands
upon its wheel.

So unlike a Tesla
in full automation mode
there’s a certain diffidence
and modesty to its attainments
which I find both becoming
and, as it does with me,
reassuring.

[brynmawr1]

Respectful Balance


My one year-old Korean  interesting line break here.  I was a little afraid of what was coming next!
car will steer itself
using LIDAR cameras until  good internal rhyme.  might cameras be redundant?  I don't think cutting it messes with the rhythm too much
it loses track of lanes   breaking at 'track' might open up for some expansion on the idea of 'lanes' ie paths
at which point it calls   consider moving 'urgently' up to this line for emphasis, as it is a stronger word than calls, IMO.
urgently for both my hands
upon its wheel.

So unlike a Tesla
in full automation mode
there’s a certain diffidence  I like how this ties back to the title
and modesty to its attainments  maybe end last line with comma and cut 'and'
which I find both becoming
and, as it does with me,
reassuring.  I find the ending a little wanting.  I have a suggestion below.

Hey Duke,
Overall I think this is well done.  There is a very little bit of obscurity moving into S2 L3 regarding whether the narrator is referring to Tesla or not.  I get it but thought I would would mention it.  Obviously, I have made some suggestions only as a consideration, especially as this is not a critique forum.  I did think of an alternate ending which, I think, fits with the overall theme of your poem:

which I find both becoming
and reassuring; a child
that still needs me.

There are nuances that can be explored with different wording.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

[busker]

Respectful Balance


My one year-old Korean
car will steer itself
using LIDAR cameras until
it loses track of lanes
at which point it calls
urgently for both my hands
upon its wheel.

So unlike a Tesla
in full automation mode
there’s a certain diffidence
and modesty to its attainments
which I find both becoming
and, as it does with me,
reassuring.

And Tesla famously doesn’t use Lidar because its captain thinks he knows better than the rest of the auto industry!!!

---

Nice one

[dukealien]

edit;


My one year-old Korean
car will steer itself
using LIDAR vision
until it loses sight of lanes
at which point it cries urgently
for both my hands
upon its wheel.

So unlike a Tesla
in full automation mode
there’s a certain diffidence
and modesty to its attainments
which I find both becoming
and, like its need for me,
reassuring.

---

Thanks to both commenters!  I've taken advantage of most of @brynwawr1's suggestions.  Glad this was enjoyed.

FWIW, this originally had two or three additional stanzas between the remaining two... which didn't add anything, really.  Though I like the idea of car as child (and incorporated it, slightly, in S.1), the point I was trying to make in the original last two lines was that it's nice the car recognizes it needs me as much as I need it.  After all, with its strong electronic steering it could easily smack us both into a bridge abutment at seventy per; good, then, that it lets me know not only that I'm ultimately in charge, but that it knows when to ask for help instead of just following its best guess or, worse, taking a chance.

I don't fancy LLMs as auto-drive software.  They make things up; I visualize one virtually painting a tunnel entrance on a wall like the coyote in front of the roadrunner.  Then trying to drive through it.