Victim

[Semicircle]

Victim (edited)

Skin, pale and smooth
From head to toe,
Fine hair flowing along
The length of curves.
Caramel eyes, soft and mild,
Innocent as a doe.

Lips red
Like a burn,
Shining brighter
Than the white sun.
Lips red
Like a slit,
Tearing open
A black hole
Sucking down.

A hand reaches up,
The window shuts.

An old dusty coat
Bunching guts in the dark,
In silent thought.
Hair lock
And clenched cross,
Both sealed by
What was done,
Just this once.

Could feel the skin
Just this once.


……………………


Victim

Her skin, pale and smooth
From head to toe,
Fine hair flowing down
The length of her curves.
Her caramel eyes, soft and mild,
Innocent like a doe.

Her red lips
Like blood,
Shining brighter
Than the white sun.
Her red lips
Like a slit,
Tearing open
The black hole.

Drowning in a lake
Staring up,
The window shuts.

[brynmawr1]

Victim

Her skin, pale and smooth
From head to toe,
Fine hair flowing down    Along?
The length of her curves.
Her caramel eyes, soft and mild,
Innocent like a doe.    as a?

Her red lips   maybe invert
Like blood,
Shining brighter
Than the white sun.
Her red lips  as above.  I like the repeat. consider making this a new stanza
Like a slit,
Tearing open
The black hole.   not sure I like 'the' here.  Feels too singular and not exactly following the image

Drowning in a lake   I think too much give away in this line
Staring up,
The window shuts.

Hey SC,
It's good to read you again.  You have some nice imaging and I think it reads well; very macabre.  I made so minor suggestions above.  I removed the pronouns mostly to tighten the language and the imagery is distinctly female.  IMO the piece borders on fetishizing violence, especially without any additional context.  My only other hesitation is using 'blood'.  It is a strong image and is in danger of being overused approaching cliche territory. 
welcome back,
Bryn

[Semicircle]

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Victim

Her skin, pale and smooth
From head to toe,
Fine hair flowing down    Along?
The length of her curves.
Her caramel eyes, soft and mild,
Innocent like a doe.    as a?

Her red lips   maybe invert
Like blood,
Shining brighter
Than the white sun.
Her red lips  as above.  I like the repeat. consider making this a new stanza
Like a slit,
Tearing open
The black hole.   not sure I like 'the' here.  Feels too singular and not exactly following the image

Drowning in a lake   I think too much give away in this line
Staring up,
The window shuts.

Hey SC,
It's good to read you again.  You have some nice imaging and I think it reads well; very macabre.  I made so minor suggestions above.  I removed the pronouns mostly to tighten the language and the imagery is distinctly female.  IMO the piece borders on fetishizing violence, especially without any additional context.  My only other hesitation is using 'blood'.  It is a strong image and is in danger of being overused approaching cliche territory. 
welcome back,
Bryn

Thank you, I feel like I’ve gotten the proper footing for what I wanted to accomplish here. There was more context needed so I added some.

Nice to be back.