The sleepless fly (?)

[Natangwe]

escaping sleep,
like a fly escapes the grasp of a giant

seemingly free,
to no avail in the abundance of quiet dreams

that make one feel awake and lively,
yet broken and frightened

of what's to come.

the next day: hit by humbling sobriety

of the mind
that at night seemed to conquer so violently

all the lands too far, forgotten 
by the flying society

while the giant's held out hand just tried to ward off anxiety.

[rowens]

escaping sleep,
like a fly escapes the grasp of a giant


Helps to look at pace:

escaping sleep,
like a fly from a giant


seemingly free,
Good. 

The next line could be reworked.
to no avail in the abundance of quiet dreams

that make one feel awake and lively,
yet broken and frightened

of what's to come.


And so on with pacing and reworking rhythms and meanings. 


the next day: hit by humbling sobriety

of the mind
that at night seemed to conquer so violently

all the lands too far, forgotten 
by the flying society

while the giant's held out hand just tried to ward off anxiety.

[Natangwe]

Hey rowens,

Thanks for the reply/critique. 

However, I am not sure I fully comprehend it. 

I understand the pace of a poem as the rhythm and speed with which the poem is read. For me, I can read the lines in a way that - at least to me - seems (mostly) rhythmic. I was considering about how to best write down the lines and thought that this two-line-style might work. Maybe it didn't or maybe the pace is just off. Let me try to rewrite the first part pace-wise:

escaping sleep,
like a fly 
escapes the grasp
of a giant.

seemingly free,
to no avail
in the abundance
of quiet dreams.

that make one feel
awake and lively,
yet broken
and frightened

of what's to come.
...

To me this reads slower and more staccato than I intended but maybe it helps the reader to pace it better? Or does the pace just not work in general?

Thanks again for your review, I really appreciate it!

[rowens]

You rely on your own taste when it comes to rhythms and sonics. Condensing lines can help focus on clarity and add to figurative language devices. Why a fly, why a giant, why abundance, why quiet? The interplay of sonics and figurative texture. How can you carry the symbols and sounds throughout the poem, not simply throwing in aspects that don't carry on the poetic thread?