Pisces' Defeat

[Semele]

Hi everyone. I'm a painter who is new to poetry, and I would love some feedback. This one draws much from astrology, so I will give a brief explanation. Moon in Pisces (melancholic and empathetic), Sagittarius Sun and Aries Ascendant (both are fire signs concerned with action, movement and pursuit).

Pisces’ defeat

Tepid water won’t 
Drown the arrow’s fire any longer
Never ending depths, cave systems
Traps
Pulled the bleat out of the ram’s throat
Sound replaced with the threat
Of death’s bloat

Shooting centaurs and unwavering horns
Set the wet stage ablaze 
Build your first house of ashes
You drifted far too long
Under Neptune’s weight - liquid maze
Of past urges, dreams and gashes

[rowens]

Not Neptune, buddy. You got Jupiter in yer corner.

I'll give a proper critique.

Hold on about an hour.

[rowens]

Still coming back to critique.

Been a long May so far.

[Semele]

Not Neptune, buddy. You got Jupiter in yer corner.

I'll give a proper critique.

Hold on about an hour.

No rush, take your time! 
I used Neptune because it is considered the modern ruler of Pisces, and Jupiter also rules Sagittarius, which could be confusing.

[rowens]

And Semele means moon?

Give me about 30 minutes, I'll destroy your poem for you.

---

Semele is not the moon, ever mind.


I'm here to critique. I was thinking Selene.
I think.

Here comes the critique.

---

Tepid water won’t
Drown the arrow’s fire any longer

This makes sense astrologically, but still, don't discount you reader. Make them work for it. 
And pay attention not to simply throw correspondences together.
Astrology is working with correspondences. Poetry is working with allusions. 


Never ending depths, cave systems
Traps

Nice Ear



Pulled the bleat out of the ram’s throat
Sound replaced with the threat
Of death’s bloat


Clever use of bloat. 
Would work in a less dense context. Or, rather, more dense context. 


Shooting centaurs and unwavering horns
Set the wet stage ablaze
Build your first house of ashes
You drifted far too long
Under Neptune’s weight - liquid maze
Of past urges, dreams and gashes



So you are working the astrology in. 
You are being lazy with the verse and the surrounding images.


I say layer it a bit more. Thread in stuff with the references in a natural way. Make the reader feel like they are reading something simple: with the astrological stuff under the surface.

You can do what you want.
That's how Yeats pulled off this subject matter. 






Not Finished yet. I'm still reading. 





Well, the free verse is ok. 
Nothing fancy.


Now someone is asking me to do something. 

I'll say what I can then come back.

[RiverNotch]

My main critique for this is it's largely incoherent. This reads like it was written in reference to such astrological symbols in and of themselves, rather than treating said symbols as part of a larger system of ideas. Really, the symbols have myths attached to them---the fish were those that carried Venus and Cupid to safety during Typhon's attack against the gods, the ram was that which provided Jason the Golden Fleece, etc.---or else they are associated with less abstract phenomena, i.e. the Sun stands by the Ram when flowers begin to bloom, the Archer is in power when the cold begins to settle, and so on. Their supposed astrological meaning is almost incidental (moreso their modern astrological meaning---I believe that, after the likes of Newton and Kepler, a lot of the basic premises of astrology, such as the Sun and Moon being planets in the same way as the rest, begin to unravel, which is why I also strongly dislike the inclusion of "Neptune" here): astrology, as it was practiced for the vast majority of human history, was generally pragmatic, just as much of modern medicine is predicated on such simple practices as washing one's hands or having enough sleep. If this is a poem that is exclusively about astrology, then it needs to have a stronger feel for what astrology as a whole entails, rather than just a few loose associations between its aspects.