Better to Weep - edit

[dukealien]

Better to Weep


To see dried blood upon a handkerchief
reminds us we are not composed of dust
as poets and star-gazers share belief
but, as a plumber knows, of wet and rust.

Red hearts and lips may symbolize true love
as poppies offer sure, narcotic sleep:
affection, somnolence, addictive trove
of past perfection only fools may keep.

To couples courting danger crimson speaks
of hemoglobin rich with oxygen
spilled in despairing suicidal streaks
by lovers lacking cynics’ antigen.

Be brave, my love, let tears flow if you must–
not disappointed blood:  abide and trust.

original version;

To see dried blood upon a handkerchief
reminds us we are not composed of dust
as poets and star-gazers share belief
but, as a plumber knows, of wet and rust.

Red hearts and lips may symbolize true love
in flower, as the poppy posits sleep;
affection, somnolence, addictive trove
of past perfection only fools may keep.

For those alive to danger crimson speaks
of hemoglobin rich with oxygen
spilled wildly or through suicidal leaks
by lovers lacking cynics’ antigen.

Be brave, my love, let tears flow if you must
instead of anguished blood, that lust of rust.

[RiverNotch]

pleasant work, as with any sonnet rightly done. rightly conceived, too, as the ideas in the poem aren't incoherent at all. my notes, all but one technical:

L6
the "in flower" tripped me up the first two readings, especially as most of the rest of the poem has each individual thought or image kept well within each line. I think better:

"as poppies (adjectives) posit sleep:"

ending, you must notice, with a colon, rather than a semicolon.

L9
"alive to danger" also kinda tripped me up, even if I got its idea from jump, but thinking about it, the world "alive" is at least an interesting contrast with the sort of sleep one gets from poppies...i dunno, maybe you can think of a better term for that than one which implies the rest of the subjects invoked in this poem are already dead.

L10
i love that "oxygen" is rhymed with "antigen". jargon wordplay is the best kind of wordplay.

[L11-12
per L6, i don't think "spilled wildly" should be here (plus it could be read as *oxygen* spilled wildly, rather than hemoglobin). maybe:

"or of lovers' suicidal leaks
spilled wildly, lacking cynics' antigen"]

re-read L11-12, i suppose "through suicidal leaks" is supposed to parallel "wildly" instead...my mistake, or maybe it's difficult to read the parallel between an adverb and an adverbial phrase? i don't know...maybe to make it more amenable to idiots like myself:

"spilled by adventure or by self-made leaks
of lovers lacking cynics' antigen"

L14
i don't quite like the bunching of "lust" and "rust", just from a sonic perspective, and i also don't see what that harshness accomplishes for this piece, not when the speaker is softly addressing their love.

[busker]

Better to Weep


To see dried blood upon a handkerchief
reminds us we are not composed of dust
as poets and star-gazers share belief
but, as a plumber knows, of wet and rust.  great opening stanza and this line is, for me, the poem.

Red hearts and lips may symbolize true love
in flower, as the poppy posits sleep;  'poppy posits sleep' sounds faux Elizabethan
affection, somnolence, addictive trove
of past perfection only fools may keep.   S2 sounds put on, a museum piece. Doesn't do justice to S1

For those alive to danger crimson speaks
of hemoglobin rich with oxygen
spilled wildly or through suicidal leaks
by lovers lacking cynics’ antigen.  ... same as previous

Be brave, my love, let tears flow if you must
instead of anguished blood, that lust of rust. ... the 'lust of rust' rhyme has a weakly comical effect, which is out of place. Also, the repetition of 'rust' doesn't do it for me.

The first stanza is good, the rest of the poem doesn't do justice to it. Might need some iterations.

[dukealien]

edt;


To see dried blood upon a handkerchief
reminds us we are not composed of dust
as poets and star-gazers share belief
but, as a plumber knows, of wet and rust.

Red hearts and lips may symbolize true love
as poppies offer sure, narcotic sleep:
affection, somnolence, addictive trove
of past perfection only fools may keep.

To couples courting danger crimson speaks
of hemoglobin rich with oxygen
spilled in despairing suicidal streaks
by lovers lacking cynics’ antigen.

Be brave, my love, let tears flow if you must–
not disappointed blood:  abide and trust.

---

Thanks to both critics.  I agree, this edit  probably has at least one iteration to go.

@busker - Good point that this should end on an ecouraging note.

[depressedmetalhead]

First, I would like to say that this is a very strong poem in both its composition and ideas. You have done an outstanding job in making mental images feel physical. The only thing I would change would be the title, as I feel that it doesn't truly connect to the poem until the very end, but that could also be just me. I unfortunately cannot think of any new titles off the top of my head at the moment, but I'm sure you can figure one out based on how experienced and skilled you appear to be with poetry.