Fury's Lover

[carahmellow]

Fury’s Lover

Tears that stain my cheeks 
are those of fury
in the depths of sadness.

Nerves that shake my bones 
are those of rage
in the midst of anxiety.

Frowns that mark my face 
are those of anger
amid grief.

In the valleys shadowed by joy’s mountains,
wrath is my ally—
the one my body yearns for,
the one my feeble hand holds
to give my fragility fortitude.

[dukealien]

Quite a ride!  And all the transitions/combinations perfectly credible.

The last two lines are a nice turn:  feebleness and fragility are objective conditions, not emotional states.  Mentioning them suggests where all the passions are based - without coming right out and saying so.  While also suggesting that the narrator may be aware of this.

Fury's lover, then, is weakness - as war's dad is fear.

[brynmawr1]

Fury’s Lover

Tears that stain my cheeks 
are those of fury
in the depths of sadness.

Nerves that shake my bones 
are those of rage
in the midst of anxiety.

Frowns that mark my face 
are those of anger
amid grief.

In the valleys shadowed by joy’s mountains,   In shadowed valleys of joy's mountains
wrath is my ally—
the one my body yearns for,
the one my feeble hand holds  hands hold
to gives my fragility fortitude.

Hi CM,
First, I think the piece is strong as written and most of my suggestions are stylistic, but I think trimming to make the phrasing more direct helps.  Though I feel there needs to be more revision to really bring it together.  I realize that this might not be your typical style; just a nudge to consider alternatives.
Nice work,
Bryn

[carahmellow]

Thanks for the critiques. I think one of my biggest weaknesses as a poet is "extra words" I am so aware of it, but have a hard time removing them for some reason. I love the change you made to "in shadowed valleys of joy's mountains".... That line did bother me, and I couldn't figure out why exactly.

[busker]

Fury’s Lover

Tears that stain my cheeks 
are those of fury
in the depths of sadness. 

Nerves that shake my bones 
are those of rage
in the midst of anxiety.

Frowns that mark my face 
are those of anger
amid grief.

In the valleys shadowed by joy’s mountains,
wrath is my ally—
the one my body yearns for,
the one my feeble hand holds
to give my fragility fortitude.

You've mentioned 'too many words'. I think the lines could be made shorter by simple substitutions eg.
'Tears that stain my cheeks / -fury, in sadness / Nerves that shake my bones / -rage, amid anxiety' etc.

The title is a clever one. 

I think a little editing can get you to your desired goal of saying more with fewer words.

---

just saw bryn's suggestions on the first three strophes, and they mirror mine