flock together, v2

[RiverNotch]

flock together


if we're a pair,
we're carried by a vortex
rising over an almost

skeleton, we're hooks
tearing apart a skewered
lizard, we're two ducks

with my corkscrew and
your cork, two buntings in a box
stuffed with seed and soon to be drowned

in armagnac, cormorants
blackened with petroleum, swans
black with grief:

if we're a pair, then the weather
changed last week, the light in your eyes
left last night, and an hour ago

was another life,
the past minute
all of time,

this love, this all-we've-got,
the one thing we don't need

if we're a pair,
we're carried by a vortex
rising over an almost

skeleton, we're hooks
tearing apart a skewered
lizard, we're two ducks

with my corkscrew and
your cork, two buntings in a box
stuffed with seed and soon to be drowned

in armagnac, cormorants
blackened with petroleum, swans
black with grief:

if we're a pair, billie, then the weather
changed last week, the light in your eyes
left last night, and an hour ago

was another life,
the past minute
all of time,

this love, this all-we've-got,
the one thing we don't need

[busker]

Extraordinary. Gorgeous.

I love the cormonrant in an oil slick transitioning to Australian black swans. If you meant Australian black swans.
The poem takes off from the image of the fucking ducks and culminates in “grief”

The last three strophes are a beautiful climb down leading to the end

Wouldn’t change a thing

[midnightcowboy]

I love the overall flow and pacing of the poem but I feel like it kind of gets interrupted around "if we're a pair, billie, then the the weather..." but that's just what I'm getting from that part.

[busker]

Actually, I agree that the “Billie” is a distraction.
We don’t need no names

[RiverNotch]

thanks for the feedback, suggestion noted and followed

on the name: if you know you know, though a gentle reminder that the speaker of a work is not necessarily its writer

[Mark A Becker]

Hi notch- some edits and comments below:

flock together birds of a feather may work better

if we're a pair,
we're carried by a vortex
rising over an almost

skeleton, we're hooks
tearing apart a skewered this part seems too graphic, when sublety would work better
lizard,we're two ducks maybe like raptors ducks have webs, not hooks/talons

with my corkscrew and this shift to peoople seems too abrupt
your cork, two buntings in a box
stuffed with seed and soon to be drowned

in armagnac, cormorants
blackened with petroleum, swans mixing metaphors too much: ducks/swans/people
black with grief: the whole stanza feels off esp with the introduction of petroleum

if we're a pair, then the weather maybe: we were a pair
changed last week, the light in your eyes
left last night, and an hour ago

was another life,
the past minute
all of time,

this love, this all-we've-got, perhaps: all this love/now gone
the one thing we don't need

[RiverNotch]

thanks for the feedback. some notes, as i can't directly follow the suggestions before stanza five without gutting the piece entirely:

the whole thing is a riff on the Billie Eilish song "Birds of the Feather": the imagery of stanzas five and six are taken directly from the song
"hooks" is a synecdoche for shrikes: they use their hooked beaks to literally do what stanza two describes
"my corkscrew / and your cork" isn't a shift to people, as drakes have corkscrew penises

[busker]

I wonder if the second “if we’re a pair” should be its own line, to repeat the pattern
Or maybe not. Hard to say.
Love it

[saintlikeface-ghostlikesoul]

this is gorgeous
i do agree with the above commenter that the second "if we're a pair" might work better on its own.
i wonder whether "this all-we've-got" should be its own line too? maybe that lends more emphasis on "this love"?
im not sure, but i think it's lovely either way