(01-03-2025, 06:21 AM)John Randall Wrote: The sound of an unseen train at night,
Repeating over stuttering tracks
Into dark distance.
I am glad to be standing still
Just outside my front door, feet firm to the familiar, listening.
The train howl shrinks and I envy its transition.
How courageous at this late hour.
Overall, I like the hopeful and somewhat nostalgic atmosphere created. Some remarks from my (rather uneducated) perspective:
(2) " Repeating over stuttering tracks": I like the use of tracks here: train tracks & audio tracks. Conveys that the speaker is very familiar with this sound. Not sure about the use of "stuttering" here, does not really match the theme of a recording or train tracks for me.
(Small detail: The space in front of "Repeating" in the second line throws me off a little. I believe it is not on purpose?)
(3) "Into dark distance": Seems redundant with "at night". Maybe ommiting "at night" in the first line could create some tension regarding why the train is unseen?
(4) "I am glad to be standing still": Standing still gives me the feeling of remaining in ones place physically but also that of no change/progress. For me, the question why the speaker is glad to be in this state arises. Is it the contrast of standing still while the train is moving?
(5) "Just outside my front door, feet firm to the familiar, listening.": For me it reads more as "familiar listening", rather than "familiar, listening".
(6) "The train howl shrinks and I envy its transition." Is a train howl a sound that can shrink? I imagined the train sound to be that of a train moving over tracks (due to the second line) and not that of a train whistle/howl. Also, I do not really understand the transition part, but that may very well just be me.
(7) "How courageous at this late hour." I really like this ending line, it puts perspective into the feelings of the speaker. Together with the line (4) it makes me think that the speaker admires the ever-moving nature of the train (that requires courage) while he is just standing still (but again: why is the speaker glad that he is standing still then?).
This is my first critique, I hope it still helps. Thanks for the read!