Because I once loved you there

[busker]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

[milo]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

if you are wondering if the padding is obvious, the answer is a resounding yes

[busker]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

if you are wondering if the padding is obvious, the answer is a resounding yes

'making bandit barons kings' is a gem of a line, c'mon!! 

[milo]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

if you are wondering if the padding is obvious, the answer is a resounding yes

'making bandit barons kings' is a gem of a line, c'mon!! 

it would have squeaked through if it didn't directly follow ghostly ghoulish or whatever

[wasellajam]

It's in Sonnet Practice but never workshopped. I spent some time with it there, enough for it to sound familiar.

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.
I like the opening, the way a place holds an intimacy long after a personal connection is gone. I also enjoy L3/4, knowing oneself better for writing the poems or turning letters from them into poems. I can't really figure out why you put this into a rhyming form and then used there/there and me/me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
I like these lines, adventuring makes me smile.
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
These four lines seem out of place, sometimes life feels like a pirate scrimmage and if it doesn't feel like an adventure can we blame the bandit barons?
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings
moon-white?

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.
I think you can do better than "like ghosts and ghouls"

This poem has a heart that got to me enough to remember it, I think it needs more effort if you want to keep it in sonnet form or it would do well if you abandon form altogether.

Thanks for the read.

[busker]

It's in Sonnet Practice but never workshopped. I spent some time with it there, enough for it to sound familiar.

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.
I like the opening, the way a place holds an intimacy long after a personal connection is gone. I also enjoy L3/4, knowing oneself better for writing the poems or turning letters from them into poems. I can't really figure out why you put this into a rhyming form and then used there/there and me/me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
I like these lines, adventuring makes me smile.
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
These four lines seem out of place, sometimes life feels like a pirate scrimmage and if it doesn't feel like an adventure can we blame the bandit barons?
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings
moon-white?

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.
I think you can do better than "like ghosts and ghouls"

This poem has a heart that got to me enough to remember it, I think it needs more effort if you want to keep it in sonnet form or it would do well if you abandon form altogether.

Thanks for the read.

Thanks, Ella. I remembered having written it somewhere, but couldn't find it in my posts. Didn't search the poetry practice threads.
The perils of writing too much.
" This poem ... would do well if you abandon form altogether." is such a polite way of putting the point across   
 
The feedback here has been useful. I liked the ghosts and ghouls circling back at the end, but there's no escaping that it's quite a cliche, and the reader sees it as such. 
That's an important take away.

[wasellajam]

It's in Sonnet Practice but never workshopped. I spent some time with it there, enough for it to sound familiar.

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.
I like the opening, the way a place holds an intimacy long after a personal connection is gone. I also enjoy L3/4, knowing oneself better for writing the poems or turning letters from them into poems. I can't really figure out why you put this into a rhyming form and then used there/there and me/me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
I like these lines, adventuring makes me smile.
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
These four lines seem out of place, sometimes life feels like a pirate scrimmage and if it doesn't feel like an adventure can we blame the bandit barons?
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings
moon-white?

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.
I think you can do better than "like ghosts and ghouls"

This poem has a heart that got to me enough to remember it, I think it needs more effort if you want to keep it in sonnet form or it would do well if you abandon form altogether.

Thanks for the read.

Thanks, Ella. I remembered having written it somewhere, but couldn't find it in my posts. Didn't search the poetry practice threads.
The perils of writing too much.
" This poem ... would do well if you abandon form altogether." is such a polite way of putting the point across   
 
The feedback here has been useful. I liked the ghosts and ghouls circling back at the end, but there's no escaping that it's quite a cliche, and the reader sees it as such. 
That's an important take away.

I recently received a very helpful crit from matsuno that included these gems:

As mildly verbose sentences go, you could do a lot worse,

I think there's a second poem waiting in the wings that is considerably more ambitious and "professional."

  Well said!

I'm going to look for that second poem in the same form for mine, up to you which way you go for yours.

[matsunosuperfan]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

I think it's a decent start but the line is not long enough, and as such the poem is forced to resort to relatively vague, generalized gestures in order to fit the form. Much of the imagery feels received or cliche-adjacent, particularly the final gesture. sourly/pearly is a nice rhyme; the rest aren't very exciting I'm afraid. 

Don't think this wants to be a sonnet <3 The first two lines were the most moving for me. I think tbh that I would much rather hear what the speaker has to say about the particulars of this love than the attempts at universal musing and easy philosophy that follow.

[brynmawr1]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -  this is my favorite line, really good
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,  not sure how this fits in, but it's a good image
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings   If I were to chose I would cut angel's first, then pearly, but one needs to go.

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

Hi Busker,
I am glad that you dug this out.  Above, I have highlighted (excellent spelling bee word by the way) the parts that I felt worked the best.  I don't mean to suggest that you can just cut the rest and it will work.  Some adjustments are necessary but I just wanted to show what I thought the backbone of the poem is to me.

[matsunosuperfan]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -  this is my favorite line, really good
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,  not sure how this fits in, but it's a good image
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings   If I were to chose I would cut angel's first, then pearly, but one needs to go.

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

Hi Busker,
I am glad that you dug this out.  Above, I have highlighted (excellent spelling bee word by the way) the parts that I felt worked the best.  I don't mean to suggest that you can just cut the rest and it will work.  Some adjustments are necessary but I just wanted to show what I thought the backbone of the poem is to me.

You've made me realize how much I want to see the whole thing torn down and start over with "Love is the only foolish adventuring we do" as the first line, then go from there. Preferably, I think, without rhyme or meter. It's such a strong declaration and deserves to be walked around on a liberal leash - or permits permitting, no leash at all.

[busker]

thanks, bryn and matsun
it's always interesting to see what parts resonate with the reader and which ones don't.
in this one, the bits that I thought were nice didn't appear to land, and the bits I thought were weak, seemed to work.

food for thought - for me, I mean.

[Bitnee]

I like the start of it I think it may need a little more to it. Not necessarily super long poem but just a bit cliche maybe. The first of it reeled me in though

[ouroboros]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

I love this work! The last stanza really ties everything together and brings together your message. The only thing throwing me off is your first sentence, but I'm not really sure why. I feel as if "Because I loved you there/London's precious to me" reads as partially rushed and the rhythm isn't as developed as some of your other brilliant rhymes. I'm a very amateur writer, so please take this critique with a grain of salt! Keep up the lovely work.

[busker]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

I love this work! The last stanza really ties everything together and brings together your message. The only thing throwing me off is your first sentence, but I'm not really sure why. I feel as if "Because I loved you there/London's precious to me" reads as partially rushed and the rhythm isn't as developed as some of your other brilliant rhymes. I'm a very amateur writer, so please take this critique with a grain of salt! Keep up the lovely work.

Hi Ouroboros - thanks for the crit 
The first line is “because I once loved you there”, which fits the metre. Dropping the once would I agree make the line clumsy and awkward.

[milo]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

I love this work! The last stanza really ties everything together and brings together your message. The only thing throwing me off is your first sentence, but I'm not really sure why. I feel as if "Because I loved you there/London's precious to me" reads as partially rushed and the rhythm isn't as developed as some of your other brilliant rhymes. I'm a very amateur writer, so please take this critique with a grain of salt! Keep up the lovely work.

Hi Ouroboros - thanks for the crit 
The first line is “because I once loved you there”, which fits the metre. Dropping the once would I agree make the line clumsy and awkward.

It is good you mentioned that because I would naturally read it as:

beCAUSE ionceLOVED you

You should include the correct pronunciation in a little author's note section at the bottom.

[wasellajam]

I love this work! The last stanza really ties everything together and brings together your message. The only thing throwing me off is your first sentence, but I'm not really sure why. I feel as if "Because I loved you there/London's precious to me" reads as partially rushed and the rhythm isn't as developed as some of your other brilliant rhymes. I'm a very amateur writer, so please take this critique with a grain of salt! Keep up the lovely work.

Hi Ouroboros - thanks for the crit 
The first line is “because I once loved you there”, which fits the metre. Dropping the once would I agree make the line clumsy and awkward.

It is good you mentioned that because I would naturally read it as:

beCAUSE ionceLOVED you

You should include the correct pronunciation in a little author's note section at the bottom.

Ridiculous, there would be footnotes on every classic poem and half of us would argue with those.

I read it as:

beCAUSE i ONCE LOVED you THERE
LONdon's PRECiuos to ME.
The POEMS WRITten aBOUT you THERE
were REALly LETters to ME.

This reads smoothly and slowly to me. There are so many exceptions (which I still can't keep straight) to standard meter, whether or not they're found here doesn't effect my read as these lines have a beautiful, wistful pace for me. If anything, for me "once" prevents a singsong feel that I think would lessen the opening.

[Bruce V]

Apologies if I've posted this before, perhaps in a NaPM. It was sitting in my drafts for a long time awaiting rediscovery.

Because I once loved you there

Because I once loved you there
London's precious to me.
The poems written about you there 
were really letters to me.

Love is the only foolish
adventuring we do -
no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish,
pirate clipper’s crew

are had in life, spent sourly
making bandit barons kings.
Some places keep their pearly 
moon white angels’ wings

because I loved you. Unaware,
like ghosts and ghouls, you’ll haunt me there.

Very nice.  I did find the breaking of sentences between stanzas unnecessary and a bit jarring.

[milo]

Hi Ouroboros - thanks for the crit 
The first line is “because I once loved you there”, which fits the metre. Dropping the once would I agree make the line clumsy and awkward.

It is good you mentioned that because I would naturally read it as:

beCAUSE ionceLOVED you

You should include the correct pronunciation in a little author's note section at the bottom.

Ridiculous, there would be footnotes on every classic poem and half of us would argue with those.

I read it as:

beCAUSE i ONCE LOVED you THERE
LONdon's PRECiuos to ME.
The POEMS WRITten aBOUT you THERE
were REALly LETters to ME.

This reads smoothly and slowly to me. There are so many exceptions (which I still can't keep straight) to standard meter, whether or not they're found here doesn't effect my read as these lines have a beautiful, wistful pace for me. If anything, for me "once" prevents a singsong feel that I think would lessen the opening.

When you say it like that you make it sound silly

[busker]

It is good you mentioned that because I would naturally read it as:

beCAUSE ionceLOVED you

You should include the correct pronunciation in a little author's note section at the bottom.

Ridiculous, there would be footnotes on every classic poem and half of us would argue with those.

I read it as:

beCAUSE i ONCE LOVED you THERE
LONdon's PRECiuos to ME.
The POEMS WRITten aBOUT you THERE
were REALly LETters to ME.

This reads smoothly and slowly to me. There are so many exceptions (which I still can't keep straight) to standard meter, whether or not they're found here doesn't effect my read as these lines have a beautiful, wistful pace for me. If anything, for me "once" prevents a singsong feel that I think would lessen the opening.

When you say it like that you make it sound silly

One person’s meat is another person’s botfly infested larval soup

---

What I found interesting about all the crits is that the line I most disliked is “love is the only foolish / adventuring we do”, wasn’t disliked all that much. And the things that I really liked, like the pirates of the Caribbean references to the ghostly ghoulish pirate clipper’s crew, didn’t land, at least on those who read it. It’s always informative to have that sort of direct reader feedback

---

Pardon the typos. I access the site on my phone and neither the text dictionary nor v bulletin are optimised for the mobile

[matsunosuperfan]

---

What I found interesting about all the crits is that the line I most disliked is “love is the only foolish / adventuring we do”, wasn’t disliked all that much. And the things that I really liked, like the pirates of the Caribbean references to the ghostly ghoulish pirate clipper’s crew, didn’t land, at least on those who read it. It’s always informative to have that sort of direct reader feedback

---

love is the only foolish / adventuring we do = smooth, easy in the mouth, feels like something you've heard before even if you haven't, has the ring of aphorism. surface meaning is immediately obvious, though there is still room to mine for more. 

no scraps with a ghostly, ghoulish, / pirate clipper’s crew = lumpy, a bit of a mouthful, calls attention to itself, feels like it is "trying to be poetic," lacks the ring of aphorism. surface meaning is obscure. too many modifiers. bit of a tortured metaphor by the end.