If, If (Re-write)

[ficosdarkness]

If I were your heart beat,
would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,
to stop my cadence from creating a new rythym to your music?
If I were the sun,
would you walk in the shadows,
to keep my warmth from touching your skin?
If I were the wind,
would you huddle behind a rock,
to keep me from flowing across your body?
If I were a tiny blade of grass,
would you mow me down,
to keep me beneath you?
If I were running water,
would you bottle me up,
to sell to the masses?
If I were your joy,
would you live in misery,
to show me that you're in control?
If I were the blood coursing through your veins,
would you cut them open,
to drain me from inside you before I could reach your heart?
If I were the air,
would you hold your breath,
to keep me from filling your lungs?
If I were life,
would you sentence yourself to death,
before you realized that I make a difference?
If I were death,
Where would you go from there?
To keep me from capturing your soul.

If, if.....?

[kath3]

I liked it very much, went straight to my heart. (I've saved it )
For me it felt sad and full of hurt ... unrecognition for all that you have or want to offer another.

These were my most favorite lines:
If I were your joy,
would you live in misery,
to show me that you're in control? very profound, and discerning

If I were life,
would you sentence yourself to death,
before you realized that I make a difference?

[billy]

hi Fd great to see you back

first off; if you do an edit try and put the new edit above the original poem in a new thread.
i had to hunt the old one down then open 2 screens

2nd ...wow, what a huge big difference. the edit has much more depth, more imagery and more cohesiveness
you did a major edit and its much much better. i see you took some of the things that were remarked o and used them to good purpose.
not sure about the If, If at the end but the poem holds its own now. well done. you took a big step

[heslopian]

This is an excellent poem. Your vision is clear and enviably focused, with some great metaphors for what seems like a destructive but somehow co-dependant relationship. The only quibbles I can think of is that you spelled cadence slightly wrong ("c" should go where you put the "s") and the comma between "blood" and "coursing" isn't really needed.

[kath3]

Hi ficosdarkness,
I loved this so much that I shared it with my husband who also really enjoyed it.
While neither one of us knows anythings about poetry, he did make a suggestion that the plexiglass seems
out of place as everything else seemed natural.
He thought this might fit.

If I were the sun,
would you walk in the shadows,
to keep my warmth from touching your skin?
If I were the wind,
would you huddle behind a rock
to keep me from flowing across your body?
If I were a tiny blade of grass,
would you mow me down,
to keep me beneath you?

Again, thank you for the poem

[ficosdarkness]

I liked it very much, went straight to my heart. (I've saved it )
For me it felt sad and full of hurt ... unrecognition for all that you have or want to offer another.

These were my most favorite lines:
If I were your joy,
would you live in misery,
to show me that you're in control? very profound, and discerning

If I were life,
would you sentence yourself to death,
before you realized that I make a difference?

Thanks so much, Kath!

---

Hi ficosdarkness,
I loved this so much that I shared it with my husband who also really enjoyed it.
While neither one of us knows anythings about poetry, he did make a suggestion that the plexiglass seems
out of place as everything else seemed natural.
He thought this might fit.

If I were the sun,
would you walk in the shadows,
to keep my warmth from touching your skin?
If I were the wind,
would you huddle behind a rock
to keep me from flowing across your body?
If I were a tiny blade of grass,
would you mow me down,
to keep me beneath you?

Again, thank you for the poem

I love that line, Kath may I use it??? You're husband is right "plexiglass" is out of place, but the rock fits perfectly!

---

This is an excellent poem. Your vision is clear and enviably focused, with some great metaphors for what seems like a destructive but somehow co-dependant relationship. The only quibbles I can think of is that you spelled cadence slightly wrong ("c" should go where you put the "s") and the comma between "blood" and "coursing" isn't really needed.

Thank you Heslopian!!

---

hi Fd great to see you back

first off; if you do an edit try and put the new edit above the original poem in a new thread.
i had to hunt the old one down then open 2 screens

2nd ...wow, what a huge big difference. the edit has much more depth, more imagery and more cohesiveness
you did a major edit and its much much better. i see you took some of the things that were remarked o and used them to good purpose.
not sure about the If, If at the end but the poem holds its own now. well done. you took a big step

Thank you Billy! I took all of the constructive critiques and applied them. I found that it made for a pretty smooth read!! Thanks to you and all that helped with this piece, you all made a big difference by helping me with a bit more clarity with this poem!!!

[billy]

all you need to do now is post some more poems

[Verbavore]

Nice. I like how even the repetition of similar metaphors is, itself, a metaphor for the obsession of rejection. I was just about to agree with billy that the final "if... if...?" isn't necessary to the message. I was thinking it might do well as simply the title, but then I saw the question mark at the end, which adds an entirely different connotation and enforces the questioning tone of the rest of the poem. So, my vote is leave it in. Good contribution!

[ficosdarkness]

Thank you verbavore! I'm pleased that you like, "If, If" I'm still a work in progress so all the positive replys are so welcomed