Shipwrecked

[heslopian]

this is a re-write of this poem: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=2580

I feel there's so much emptiness
on the upper floor of this burger joint,
where green and blue chairs with slanted legs
lean against splintered tables,
opposite leather sofas and
a partition of grim latticework,
a perfectly measured wooden grill.
my fingers are covered in mauve garlic sauce
as I ravage the intestinal crime before me,
the limp grizzled beef like a mummified corpse.
I swam here in the dark wearing my black coat,
jumper, cap, and sunglasses,
a Russian agent from a very bad film.

a plump young woman sweeps the floor
wearing an all black uniform,
like how you'd imagine a waitress would dress
if she worked on the Death Star.
outside neon signs distinguish closed shops
and this is an island for the life that remains.
I finish my coke, chew the ice cubes,
buss my tray then leave the shore.

[billy]

this is a re-write of this poem: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=2580

I feel like there's so much emptiness here is like needed, is here needed??
on the upper floor of this burger joint,
where green and blue chairs with slanted legs
lean against splintered tables,
opposite leather sofas and
a partition of grim latticework,
a perfectly measured wooden grill. good image from from lines 3 through 7
my fingers are covered in mauve garlic sauce
as I ravage the intestinal crime before me,
the limp grizzled beef like a mummified corpse. is mummified the right word?
I swam here in the dark wearing my black coat,
jumper, cap, and sunglasses,
a Russian agent from a very bad film.great last three lines of this verse

a lone young woman sweeps the floor is lone redundant?
wearing an all black uniform, reiteration of black
like how you'd imagine a waitress would dress
if she worked on the Death Star. like these 1st 4 lines
outside neon signs distinguish closed shops
and this is an island for the life that remains.
I finish my coke, chew the ice cubes,
bust my tray then leave the shore. excellent last 4 lines

what an improvement. the re write is for me, way better, some good images.
some great lines. i like the island/shore metaphor you have going on in the last verse.
and the russian agent lookalike.

the beginning or the poem sets up the rest of the narrative and this time we have more depth to the scene. i also think the title is really working well and gets hooked back to from the last verse.
thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

Thanks Billy I'll remove the unecessary words in a mo. Do you have a suggestion for an alternative to "mummified"? How about something simple like "rotten" instead?
Sweet fudge do I fudge-ing hate accidental reiteration Thanks for the heads up on that. Though I have no idea how I can change it.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Here are some comments for you below:

this is a re-write of this poem: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=2580

I feel there's so much emptiness--I think you could cut there's and tighten the line without losing anything
on the upper floor of this burger joint,
where green and blue chairs with slanted legs
lean against splintered tables,--these two lines are nice description
opposite leather sofas and--don't really like line breaks on and
a partition of grim latticework,
a perfectly measured wooden grill.
my fingers are covered in mauve garlic sauce
as I ravage the intestinal crime before me,--nice line
the limp grizzled beef like a mummified corpse.
I swam here in the dark wearing my black coat,
jumper, cap, and sunglasses,
a Russian agent from a very bad film.

a plump young woman sweeps the floor--does young really add anything to the line? Is it necessary for the poem? It seems like a vague modifier. Plump holds its own though
wearing an all black uniform,
like how you'd imagine a waitress would dress--not sure you need you'd imagine.
if she worked on the Death Star.
outside neon signs distinguish closed shops
and this is an island for the life that remains.--good line and I think an important one for the point of the poem
I finish my coke, chew the ice cubes,--maybe "I chew the ice cubes of my epmty coke" (debatable I know)
bust my tray then leave the shore.--again nice move back to the island image. Now should bust be buss. It comes from Buss Boy so I'm thinking it should

Some nice lines Jack. It sets a scene and a mood well. I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Yeah someone else pointed out that it should be buss instead of bust. I'll change that in a mo thanks. Thanks also for your kind words and feedback Todd.