Kosmos

[Magpie]

(edit2)
Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has become extinguished
and the Milky Way draped

across the spruce and pines,
theatres are lit up
and the dramas can be

eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening?


(edit 1)
Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped

across the spruce and pines.
Theatres light up and
scenes of drama can be

eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening?


(original)
Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped

across towering pines.
Galaxies appear and
billions of souls can be

eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening?

[busker]

Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped …. This is the poem. Brilliant.
across towering pines. …”towering” sounds cliched here 
Galaxies appear and …. Not my favourite line (Milky Way is enough Galaxy), but can’t think of what to suggest here 
billions of souls can be … cliche 
eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening? … better to have the final two lines as the title?


The poem begins supremely well. I think with a little trimming it will be excellent

[Magpie]

Thanks Busker you've given me lots of encouragement there.

I agree with you on the points you've made on that middle section. I've been messing about with structure and each line has 6 syllables so it ran as 666 666 666. It's more of a gimmick than an absolute necessity so if it is messing with the poem I'll give it a think.

I know what you mean about the last two lines also. However I don't usually like to use any lines from the poem as the title. I was also trying to go with 'kosmos' as meaning 'order' so there was a contradiction.

Lots to think about, cheers for the read.

[Magpie]

Posted an edit. 
Made the middle stronger (thanks busker)
Still clinging on to that title though.

[Tiger the Lion]

A couple little things to consider...

(edit 1)
Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and not a fan of "and" for the line break. Prefer it moved down to start next line
the milky way is draped - Milky Way should be capped - might be able to strike "is"

across the spruce and pines.
Theatres light up and
scenes of drama can be

eclipsed by a finger. up to here appears to read as one sentence. full stop after "pines" should be a comma
How many murders will
I witness this evening?


(original)
Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has been extinguished and
the milky way is draped

across towering pines.
Galaxies appear and
billions of souls can be

eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness this evening?

[Magpie]

Thanks Paul, I agree with all your points.
I've edited accordingly and changed it a little bit more. 
It's better again for it.

[Gerryswo]

Nicely done. Excellent narrative with vivid imagery simply presented.
I thought the “…fiery maple” was a bit of a cliché and wonder if something more uniquely yours wouldn’t give the poem even more of its compelling flavor.
I though your previous version of “been extinguished” fit better than “become extinguished”. Especially since the “fiery” in your first line links to a fire being extinguished.
I thought your ending was intriguing, surprising and a perfect fit for the mood of the poem.

[rowens]

Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has become extinguished
and the Milky Way draped

When you run up on complications like become or has been, you can always see if the logic and meaning you're putting across works without words:


When, the fiery maple
extinguished,
the Milky Way draped



You seem to have six syllables in each line, depending on how we pronounce things.
Was the poem an exercise in that sort of thing?





across the spruce, and pines,
theatres are lit up,
and the all dramas can be

You get the picture. Do what you like. 
You can, most likely, balance the meter in a new way, or let it play free.
Seems to me that content dictates form. 
And that is its own kind of balance. 


eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness tonight?


Unless you're playing on the word evening. 
I couldn't help myself but say the sonically and rational inevitable. 

[Magpie]

Kosmos

When the fiery maple
has become extinguished
and the Milky Way draped

When you run up on complications like become or has been, you can always see if the logic and meaning you're putting across works without words:


When, the fiery maple
extinguished,
the Milky Way draped



You seem to have six syllables in each line, depending on how we pronounce things.
Was the poem an exercise in that sort of thing?





across the spruce, and pines,
theatres are lit up,
and the all dramas can be

You get the picture. Do what you like. 
You can, most likely, balance the meter in a new way, or let it play free.
Seems to me that content dictates form. 
And that is its own kind of balance. 


eclipsed by a finger.
How many murders will
I witness tonight?


Unless you're playing on the word evening. 
I couldn't help myself but say the sonically and rational inevitable. 

Yeah there's six syllables in each line so that each stanza would be 6,6,6. I suppose it was an exercise of sorts, trying to leave an underlying sinister element. I don't usually stick to any syllable count because I find it quite hard to achieve it without it seeming forced. 

I do see merit in your less verbose version, cheers for the pointers, somethings to consider

---

Nicely done. Excellent narrative with vivid imagery simply presented.
I thought the “…fiery maple” was a bit of a cliché and wonder if something more uniquely yours wouldn’t give the poem even more of its compelling flavor.
I though your previous version of “been extinguished” fit better than “become extinguished”. Especially since the “fiery” in your first line links to a fire being extinguished.
I thought your ending was intriguing, surprising and a perfect fit for the mood of the poem.

Thanks for the insightful comments... the problem with 'been extinguished' and 'become extinguished' arose due to trying to stick to a syllable count.

As for 'fiery maple', I never really saw it as cliché, but I get where you are coming from.
I wrote a senryu years ago

fiery maple
extinguished
by the night

which became the spring board for this poem. So I kind of stole it from myself.

Cheers for the read and the thoughts