Ballad of a Cutter (CONTENT WARNING)

[alexhenning]

Thanks for checking out my piece, I really appreciate it. This piece is about my struggles with mental health, specifically self-harm and suicide, so trigger warning if you don't want to read about those things. Any feedback is appreciated for my next draft. Thanks for taking the time to check it out and I hope you enjoy.

I refuse to live on, broken
What was hope has turned to despair
Out of everyone who heard my screams
Not a single person ever cared

Enveloped by shrouds of darkness
I can no longer see the light
Fighting battles silently
Just to get through one more night

Once a child full of innocence
Now I'm shattered, torn, and frayed
Consumed by my past regrets
Swallowed by mistakes I've made

I have no reasons left to live
I can't even get out of bed
This cruel world clipped the same wings
That I tried for years to spread

Eight years of needs not met
So I filled them in terrible ways
I did my best to drop the knife
But still relapsed anyway

I cut because no one stays with me
It's like I'm only here to bereave
No one seems to understand
I wouldn't cut if they didn't leave

My heart is forever empty
Longing to be loved but never will
It has no blood left to bleed
These ballads are how it spills

Searching for a sense of peace
Seeking numbness by hurting myself
My cuts, they are not battle scars
But a way of asking for help

Everyone abandons me
As if I'm nothing but flaws and sin
But if I take enough of these pills
No one could ever leave me again

I think I'll just lie down now
Writing these words as a final plea
The ending act of my life
A swan song for all to read

Tears fall as I lay dying
Thinking of the happiness I once had
While I reread my favorite birthday card
Signed "Love, mom and dad"

Please don't be sad, mom
I'm now free from all the pain
But depression was my closest friend
So please think of me when it rains

[Knot]

Hi Alex,
I like a ballad and this is an interesting subject for one. However, for me it's a tad long and feels (largely because of the length, I suspect) a bit unfocused.

A small-ish point, but I don't find the ending that convincing given the opening verse (especially L4, if no-one cared then that must, presumably include Mom?)
Similarly

I think I'll just lie down now
Writing these words as a final plea
The ending act of my life
A swan song for all to read

who is N writing to if everyone has left? Also, if (as S1 says) 'not a single person ever cared' why does N think anyone will now. Who'll read/care about their 'swan song'?

Also, that final line of the poem feels like you're quoting Shirley Manson/Garbage.

The title promised something a bit more ... meaty than what is delivered. There are lot of abstract nouns and familiar metaphors, which don't really drawn this reader in - for instance, Eight years of needs not met sounds like something from a clinician's report. The piece would, I think, benefit from concrete examples.

Given the title, the introduction of pills gave me pause.

I don't, by any means, think this is a disaster, but I'll return to my original point, it/you needs to be clearer about what it is trying to achieve.

Best, Knot

.

[CRNDLSM]

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