07-05-2024, 06:00 PM
The heights of the world didn't scare me
But the terror in your eyes, sickened the soul out mine.
But the terror in your eyes, sickened the soul out mine.
Your eyes
|
07-05-2024, 06:00 PM
The heights of the world didn't scare me
But the terror in your eyes, sickened the soul out mine.
07-05-2024, 10:34 PM
Safwan Sayan dateline='[url=tel:1720170038' Wrote: 1720170038[/url]']Hello, welcome to the pigpen. All members must always leave feedback on other member’s poems in the workshops before posting your own poetry in the workshops. (The workshops are the basic, moderate, and intensive forums). Please catch up. Thank you, —Quix/admin
The Soufflé isn’t the soufflé; the soufflé is the recipe. --Clara
08-02-2024, 08:46 PM
good imagery, but the phrase 'sickened the soul out mine' didn't really flow as well
08-11-2024, 09:01 PM
I also have a hard time following "sickened the soul out of mine" part. I don't readily understand how a soul can be sickeded out of someones eyes.
The first two parts are a nice set up for something though. Heights of the world... i immediately recognize this as a metaphor and fear of heights. Those join together well to set a mood and a scene of how 'you' feel and what kind of charachter 'you' have. But the terror in your eyes.. this part gets juicy, you've introduced a 2nd person which I for some reason immediately thought of as a love interest. Perhaps because we look into loved ones eyes, and right away I have a question of "what are they terrified of?" Because it's offscreen. Terror is a very strong word that juxtaposes the previous verses claim of bravery of the narrarator. So i really like that.. But then we are left hanging a bit with "this is how your look affected me" in a verse thats hard to understand. Sickened the soul out of mine (eyes). Just my very green 2 cents.
09-01-2024, 07:21 PM
(07-05-2024, 06:00 PM)Safwan Sayan Wrote: The heights of the world didn't scare me "the height of the world didn't scare me" is a good metaphor to say you are not afraid of much. In second line you could elaborate the 'terror' of what,And instead of using sickened use some thing that relates to the rest of the poem. feel free to take it however you want.
10-08-2024, 12:00 PM
Im not sure how you sicken the soul from eyes. I read that and wasnt sure what you meant, it felt almost like a typo maybe? But I do think you are on to something with it... it just needs to be worked a little more.
|
« Next Oldest | Next Newest »
|